The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)
The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?
This is a two-part question essay. The first one is asking for the cause of overpopulation, the second one is asking for your opinion.
If you want to disagree with the topic question statement, you have to write 3 paragraphs:
Body 1: The cause of overpopulation
Body 2: The effect of overpopulation on human society
Body 3: Over population is not detrimental as, for example, climate change.
If you remove the above Body 2, then the essay’s coherence will be lost. There will be no clear connect between Body 1 and Body 3.
Model Essay
The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.
A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.
To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.
A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.
K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.
Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.
In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.
The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.
The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.
Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).
However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.
Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.
The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.
“From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”
“... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”
Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.
To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.
A simple and concise conclusion. You can end your essay with a 1-sentence conclusion, but 2 is better in this case.
A 269-word essay is enough for Academic Writing Task 2. Going over 300 words means you are unable to concisely express your idea, and that isn’t encouraged in the IELTS exam.
Words: 269.
Task Response: 9
fully addresses all parts of the task
presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas
Coherence and Cohesion: 9
uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention
skilfully manages paragraphing
Lexical Resource: 9
uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9
uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Another sample essay
The problem of ever-growing population has stroked as a global issue encountered by today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of population is the major threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest impact on the environment and the wellbeing of the human beings.
Population growth is reciprocal to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in effectiveness of control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills which are easy to use, but less efficient and that result in increased birth rates and available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase life span.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands for increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to ecosystem.
(Written by Susa Dhakal)
Corrected Essay
The problem of an ever-growing population has stroked raised as a global issue encountered by for today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of the population is the major greatest threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest major impact on the environment and the wellbeing well-being of the human beings.
Avoid overusing passive voice. “An issue for someone” is much natural than “an issue encountered by someone”
Redundant language. If you have used “due to”, then you don’t need to add “the reasons for”.
When being asked “do you agree that it is the GREATEST problem?”, you are required to include a superlative adjective in your answer. So “the major threat” doesn’t work here.
Population growth is reciprocal related to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in the effectiveness of birth control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills, which are easy to use, but less efficient, and that result in increased birth rates. and Furthermore, available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase longer life span spans.
The topic sentence here is not coherent with the main theme of the essay. Since the author has stated in the conclusion that longer life span is a cause of overpopulation, he should include it in the topic sentence of this body paragraph too.
“Reciprocal” means “given, felt, or done in return”. The correct collocation in this case is “to be related to”, not “to be reciprocal to”.
“There are many cases.” Which cases, then? The author are required to provide some examples after using that phrase. I would suggest him delete that sentence completely since his essay is too lengthy.
The last sentence is too lengthy and incohesive. Should have broken it down into two sentences. Not to mention that the author forgot to put a comma after the relative pronoun “which”, which makes it really hard to read.
The author spends most of his Body Paragraph 1 for supporting the argument of “inefficient birth control leads to overpopulation. His other argument about longer life span is nearly overlooked. Poor coherence here.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased increasing population demands demand for increase more housing development, employments, and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery verdant and fertile lands, which turned changes those areas to be industrial areas, that in turn lead leads to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
The author uses each body paragraph to address each topic question. Good thinking.
If the essay question requires you to address if “the problem of X is the most dangerous threat to humanity”, it implies that you should compare the effect of X (overpopulation, in this case) on humanity to that of Y and Z (nuclear war and environmental pollution, for example).
However, the author has not make any comparison. A possible approach is to say that “overpopoulation is the root of other serious issues such as environmental pollution and high unemployment”. The root of other problems is usually the most dangerous one.
“The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities.” But how? The author needs to proof it with evidence.
“In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.” This sentence fails to support the argument in the previous sentence (“An increasing poulation demand for…”) The author could remove it since his essay is pretty lengthy anyway.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to the ecosystem.
This conclusion does not fully address the topic question. The author should have been written that overpopulation is the GREATEST threat, however, he only said that it is a “serious” issue (much weaker).
325 words is too much for an Task 2 essay. If you write less than this, then you will have time to double-check your grammatical mistakes.
(Words: 325)
.
Overall: 6.0
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/
Comments:
WRITING TASK 1
Dear Mr Tanvir,
Having worked under your supervision for more than 4 years, I have certainly learnt a great deal about our company and my roles as a product development team member. I am writing to show my appreciation and to seek your permission to work in our head office in Sydney, Australia.
Recently, I have come to know about a 6-month program, which is about to start in a few weeks at our company head office, focusing solely on “niche product development techniques” for new recruits. The program may have been designed for the new talents of our company, but I feel like a seasoned employee like me would also be able to benefit a lot from such initiative that doesn’t really come by every now and then.
I have already arranged for a couple of very talented interns to help our team. I have also requested other team members of my team to take the additional responsibilities in my absence, and they all agreed. Moreover, I will be able to communicate and help my team over the phone and emails whenever required.
Now, only if you are kind enough to take the lead in arranging a transfer to the head office by citing my reasons for it to the upper management, should I be able to join the program in due time.
Thank you for your help in advance.
Yours sincerely,
WRITING TASK 2
Many businesses have discovered that new employees often lack the communication skills. This can be attributed to an excessive focus on professional skills in college and a weak foundation in the language since childhood. These issues can be resolved through extensive reforms in the education system.
The primary focus of most colleges and universities is to train students for technical tasks. There are almost no teachers and courses in communication skills since these are considered irrelevant for engineers, accountants, and doctors. Consequently, many fresh graduates have no idea how to communicate with their colleagues. Moreover, the education system from elementary studies to university focus on science and mathematics as these subject are supposed to build careers. Languages, which for the core of communication skills, are considered mere necessary evils that need to be crammed. The students prefer to just pass the exams in English, French, German and Latin and are expected to excel in sciences. This creates a poor foundation for communication skills and most new employees find it impossible to talk to their teammates.
I think this issue can only be resolved through a radical restructuring of the education system. Boards of education, such as the CBSE in India, along with schools and teachers need to inform students and parents about the utility of communication in building strong careers. Moreover, the courses in literature should be made more interactive so that the students abandon the habit of cramming. This can be done through videos and role-plays. Colleges should allocate subjects dedicated to improving the speaking, writing, listening and reading skills of students. They should be encouraged to write letters, essays on contemporary topics.
In conclusion, the problem of poor communication skills has cropped up due to the extreme focus on technical skills and poor foundation in literature. This can be solved through the active collaboration of educational institutions, teachers, parents, and students.
Finding the perfect balance of technical and interpersonal skills are getting difficult these days. Though it is still easier to get people with excellent analytical or technical expertise but finding talent along with interpersonal skills, is a tough task. This essay will discuss the causes of the lack of interpersonal skills and possible solutions to it.
The problem arises when the employee is not passionate about the job he/she is doing. Firstly, it’s essential for an employee to feel the motivation towards the job he is doing, in today’s world, people treat their job as just the source of income. Even the fresh talent doesn’t have that zeal to pursue the career passionately, for them, the job is all about finishing the daily working hours for which they are being paid. Secondly, it also depends on the employers, what efforts they are putting in to motivate their employees. In most of the cases, employees are just bothered about their own business goals rather than thinking about employee benefits, rewards and recognition. In short, to expect better productivity both in terms of technical and interpersonal skills, both employee and employer need to put in equal efforts.
Value for money is decreasing day by day — the young generation demand for what additional an organisation can offer apart from the handsome pay package. The first solution to the problem is to have a proper team building programmes introduced by the human resources department that may involve team outings and team activities to enhance the interpersonal skills of an individual. Studies show that 80% of employee feel more engaged with their work when they have a robust social network in the workplace. The second solution to motivate an employee is to introduce different rewards and recognitions on a different level of employment that can only be achieved via team activities. By doing this, the employer will be able to force their people to develop strong interpersonal skill.
This essay discussed both the causes and solutions of a lack of interpersonal skills in employees. A delicate balance between both the skills can take any organisation to the zenith.
Dear Sandeep,
I have been working as a Sales Capability Manager with Mars Pvt. Ltd since 5 years and, it has been a great learning experience under your supervision.
Recently, I check on our company portal that there is a 6 months project being launched next month on Route To Market expansion at our Head office in Mclean USA. As you are aware, I am looking for a role change and this project will help build my capabilities for my next move.
I have aligned my Peer team members for their help to get my work done, also I will carry my laptop and work remotely. Trust work will not be impacted. Need your help in getting me enrolled for this project.
Thanks
Now a days employers find plenty of fresh employees lack essential abilities and cooperation to work with the team .I believe this process is led my lack of education and incomplete hiring process .This gap can be tackle by academic course and altering hiring standards.
To begin with countless workers lack of ability to work with each others which is cause by school only focusing on academic oriented environment ,As school deprive their chances to learn team work with their class mates .For example when I was in school teachers advice us concentrate only on achievements and do not waste time any thing else. Moreover another factors employers hiring process is depend on employees their grades marks in university. Therefore the education systems and hiring procedure to bring this issue force pupils to pay massive attention to learning books knowledge.
Furthermore to solve this issue to start extracurricular activities in schools for example painting ,dancing ,sports make students to learn basic skills meaning that require team sprit to taking part in activities .For instance taking part in leadership games and public speeches make them confidence and raise leadership quality skills and also improve relationship with team mates and colleague.
The fact is business use different methods to select candidates enquire work experiments as it makes candidates not only focus on books .Thus altering the minority of part from the school system of business hiring process make huge change in new employees.
To summarize due to inadequate educational structure and unsuitable evaluation of new workers ,they lack essentials skills of cooperation .As it can be tackle by improving extracurricular activities and amending the assessment of new employee.
Dear Sir /Madam
I am writing this letter to express interest to have training period of six month in United States head office.
To begin with let me explain to you I have just finished my Microsoft certification theory exam and would like to have practical experience and to get trained in server administration Hence I did some research on internet and it has come to my attention our main branch has ideal location to get training requirement done .
Therefore , I have kindly request you sir to grant permission to get training complete at our head office .Moreover it would be nice if you can arrange training requirements it will be ease to me to transfer the knowledge between our head office staff .
I have trained Mrs .Sameera to cover up my duties until I come back .In addition I will be in loop ,to have close contacts with my clients even though I am working in head office .
I would appreciate your immediate response to this letter and look forward to hearing from you .
your sincerely
Khalid
https://ieltsonlinetests.com/wot/result/writing-practice-test-1-994244
Can you confirm that these essays are worth not less than 7?
(your honest comments are very appreciated)
You work for an international company, and would like to spend six months working in its head office in another country.
Write a letter to your manager. In your letter:
explain why you want to work in the company’s head office for six months
say how your work could be done while you are away
ask for his/her help in arranging it,
You should write at least 150 words.
Dear Sir,
I am writing you this letter to inform you that I am requesting for a work transfer in one of the Head Offices, particularly, in Singapore as soon as possible. This may seem hard for me to move to another location because I have some hectic schedules and loaded meetings with our clients ,Unfortunately, I really need to depart temporarily for only six months due to personal reason.
My husband has been admitted in one of the Hospitals in City of Singapore and it would be likely that he is going stay there in a couple of months until he gets well. Very timely, our Headquarter is nearby the location and so if I render my work there for a half year, I may be able to take care of my husband and visit him in the hospital during my break time and after work.
Since I am away, I can still contact them through a video call to expedite the meeting in order avoid other work conflicts with our customers.
Would you kindly help me on how to settle my request in a shorter period of time as well as advise me what other things you require in order for my work transfer to be approved immediately.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely Yours,
MJ
Social skills are very important not only with friends or family you know, but it is also equally important to make you become a good leader toward your career. However, most of the young peoples are lacked communication skills and we will discuss the causes in this essay.
First of all, in this digital age of the internet, the technology has changed human’s communication method. Most of the young peoples prefer to communicate via technology and this ultimately caused on reducing the interaction within colleagues and friends.
Besides, neither education system in Malaysia nor parents usually pay less attention on the communication’s development of the children. Subjects such as public speaking, interpersonal skill and cooperative skills seldom teach in the schools, and this has caused the negative impacts on confident level among Childs in connection to social skills.
Technology devices should be used moderately, while over depending on technology to the daily life will seriously affected the relationship and miscommunication within peoples. By having physical meeting and increasing number of frequencies of meeting with all the staffs will help to improve these conditions. Some of the corporate even organise certain activities such team building to the staffs to improve the interaction among staffs and encourage communication within them.
Finally, parents and education system equally playing indispensable roles to help on improving young generations’ interpersonal skills. This can be done by providing related subjects as the compulsory to be learned in the school.
In conclusion, social skills are imperative to succeed in career, but this can be solved with time and practice just like others skill.
WRITING TASK 1
Dear Mr. X,
I have been working in your team for last 4 years as a Senior Software Engineer. Over the last 4 years I have learnt many aspects of developing highly scalable systems and you might know I am the only member in your team who passed problem solving certification exam conducted by company.
Yesterday I got an email regarding "Expert Problem Solver Training" sent from company HQ. This training will be started within few weeks and last for 6 months. Employees who are interested must have previous certifications to get a chance for this training and have to stay at company HQ located at Sydney, Australia for next 6 months. As I am eligible based their requirements I am seeking your help to move to HQ and start the training.
I have already informed my team members to take additional responsibilities while I stay abroad. Moreover my plan is to delegate some responsibilities to other team also. My team members agreed to do so. Besides I will support remotely in critical situations.
So, if you are kind enough to arrange my transfer to HQ for the training, it would provide much benefit for my career in this company. I am expecting you will request to upper management about me citing my previous certifications and my interest.
Regards,
Y
Nowadays many youngsters lack interpersonal skills and this has predominantly impacted few businesses. The reason for this may varu from person to person. Some of the reasons for this may be due to their upbringing, language trouble or a trauma that has affted them greatly.
The first reason may be attributed to their upbringing. Parents these days are opting for one child and are not available during their development stages. With many of them working and for late hours, leave their child to tend to itself. With the number of crimes increasing, most parents are not letting their children out in the open. Most of them are confined to the four walls of their homes. Children these days refuse to interact with others and this resonates to them turning into introverts. The second reason can be due to the language barrier. English is the most preferred langauge for bussiness operations. Most the the employeess may not be fluent in English and may develop some kind of a complex. The third reason may be due to a trauma that has wounded someone so deeply that they find it difficult to interact and have a basic conversation with people.
A possible solution would be for schools to include a couple of interpersonal skills in their syllabus. Teachers should be able to identify a child who is finding difficulty in communicating and provide necessary support. Schools should also give assignments which invloves interacting with people. Regular counselling is another way to help identify if there is any problem with the child. Many offices these day also have counsellors who can provide guidance. Companies have mandatory trainings that the employees should partake. Skill development should be made mandatory. Companies can also invite achievers in various field and have them talk about their experience which might help someone. Motivational speeches are said to be effective and might help improve their overall outlook.
The above solutions can be considered to improve communication skills.
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Various organisations analyse that their neophyte workers are deficient with very basic social values those are fundamental to be a good human. These primary virtues defined as milestone for a successful business and better environment. This essay will first discuss diverse causes and then look at most viable solutions to mitigate with this complication.
To initialise with, materialistic approach is the diminishing factor contributing to selfishness irrespective of others situation even when your desire is somebody’s need. Additionally, less socialising activities because of much absorption in technological gadgets and online virtual friends contribute to shortening of moral codes those must for progressive society. Therefore, an attitude of looking own benefits and getting promotions by pressing other’s shoulders is referred as a new cooperative skill by newcomers.
To eradicate this problem from workplaces, the small but necessary steps should be undertaken from the early age of schooling by involving adolescent in different extra-curriculum activities that keep their basic skills of cooperation and teamwork under vigilance. Furthermore, these must include as an indispensable subject to be completed successfully for further study and motivate them to take part in sports activities where a group has to be succeeded for winning like in cricket and soccer that set examples of these values every year.
Conclusively, there is no doubt different sets of interpersonal skills are disappearing in today’s generation but with implementation of proper guidance among newcomers and arrangement of different programs at regular time in business firms can bring stupendous outcomes within corporate world. Moreover, technological sources can be used as a learning method for imbibing these primary codes and practising in real life for betterment and peace of mind.