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Should Gay Marriage Be Legal?

5.0
(2 votes )

Topic: The issue of gay marriage remains controversial. Some people think that this trend has adverse effects on the society while others believe that it is seen as a natural trend and right for people to choose this type of marriage. Should gay marriage be legal?

Sample answer

 

In recent years, gay marriage has caused public controversy around the world. Although this trend is not gained by a number of people, the returns are highly justifiable.

on the one hand, it is clear that an acceptance of gay marriage will benefit not only those who belong to this kind of gender but also the whole society. First, by being applauded by the community, it is clear that gays will have more opportunities to make friends and seek a suitable marriage partner. In this way, they definitely gain a perfect marriage that leads to a happy life. Second, If gays can live with their true sexes and be respected by the society, they will study and work creatively and productively that benefits themselves and the society, especially in economic areas.

On the other hand, there are several reasons why the government should not ban gay marriage. First, it can deny that the third-gender-people are not guilty since they can not be chosen their gender since they were birth. they, therefore, have to have their human rights, including the right to choose their partner to get married. second, if gay marriage is illegal and gays are stigmatized, they will feel a sense of social isolation that may lead to the social problem or even crime. for example, in a number of nations where gay marriage is banned and the third-gender-people are considered as a kind of guilty, they will find it difficult to seek a job that allows them to cover their basic needs, they, therefore, have no choice but committing crime to survive.

(Written by Nguyễn Thư)


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Corrected Essay

 

In recent years, gay marriage has caused public controversy around the world. Although this trend is not gained by a number of people, the returns are highly justifiable.

  • The second sentence is very ambiguous. It’s hard to know which opinion the author is of. Unclear introduction will severely damage your score in Task Response.

  • No need to start your essay with “in recent years”. It is a weasel word that contributes nothing to the essay’s writing quality. If you are worry that you cannot meet the 250 words requirement, I suggest you put the time expression at the end of the sentence.


On the one hand, it is clear that an acceptance of gay marriage will benefit not only those who belong to this kind type of gender but also the whole society. First, by being applauded accepted by the community, it is clear that gays will have more opportunities to make friends and seek a suitable marriage partner. In this way, they definitely gain a perfect marriage that leads to a happy life homosexuals can marry each other and have their happy lifes. Second, if gays can live with their true sexes sexual orientations and be respected by the society, they will study and work creatively and productively that benefits themselves and the society, especially in economic areas.

  • The last phrase does not make sense with the whole sentence.

  • The idea is okay, but the wording is too lengthy. Try to shorten your sentences.

  • Words that express strong certainty like “definitely” or “perfect” are generally frowned in an IELTS exam. Avoid using them.

 

On the other hand Furthermore, there are several reasons why the government should not ban gay marriage. First, it can deny is undeniable that the third-gender-people are not guilty since they can not be chosen were not be able to choose their gender since they were birth. Therefore, they, therefore, have to have their human rights, including the right to choose their partner to get married. Second, if gay marriage is illegal and gays are stigmatized, they homosexuals will feel a sense of social isolation that may lead to the social problem or even crime. for For example, in a number of some nations where gay marriage is banned and the third-gender-people are considered as a kind of guilty criminals, they will find it difficult to seek a job that allows them to cover their basic needs,. they, therefore, Consequently, they have no choice but committing to commit crimes to survive.

  • Why do you use “on the other hand”, when you are on the same side with the argument in the first body paragraph? Use different connectives such as “furthermore”.

  • According to Wikipedia, English speakers (and Westerners in general) rarely use the term “third gender” to describe a homosexual person. I suggest you just use the word “gay” or “homosexual”, since over-rephrasing keywords creates confusion to the readers.

  • “They, therefore, have to” is a structure that is more suitable for speaking contexts. Putting the connectives “therefore” after “they” means that the modal verb “have to” has to stay far from the subject “they”, which is not encouraged in writing.

  • Avoid using “they” too much. It makes your writing unclear

  • Where is the conclusion?

 

Words: 268

 

Overall: 4.5

  • Task Response: 4

responds to the task only in a minimal way or the answer is tangential; the format may be inappropriate (the author has written more than 250 words and provided some relevants ideas. However, he did not write any conclusion, and his introduction is also inadequate).

presents a position but this is unclear (due to the unclear introduction)

presents some main ideas but these are difficult to identify and may be repetitive, irrelevant or not well supported (the second body paragraph doesn’t link well to the first one)

  • Coherence and Cohesion: 4

presents information and ideas but these are not arranged coherently and there is no clear progression in the response
uses some basic cohesive devices but these may be inaccurate or repetitive (the author only uses “on the other hand” and “therefore”, and the accuracy is off too.)

may not write in paragraphs or their use may be confusing

  • Lexical Resource: 5

uses a limited range of vocabulary, but this is minimally adequate for the task
may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader

  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

uses only a limited range of structures
attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences
may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader

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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran -  Let's Write Something Group.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

 

 

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