Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.
Topic:
Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.
Discuss both views and give your opinion
Sample answer
The question whether art education is necessary for children at school has drawn much attention from the public. While some people argue that teaching art subjects is a waste of time, I believe that it is significant for children to learn art-related subjects.
At the outset, it is thought by a handful of people that art education at school is a waste of time. There are more important subjects that would benefit children for their future life. Science, technology and mathematics, for example, are of great significant subjects which allows students to find a good job after graduation. On the other hand, studying arts does not lead to a successful career. It is easy to see that those days, most artists have been struggling to make a living from selling their work of art.
Despite the above arguments, from my perspective, learning art is necessary for students at school because of some radical reasons. Firstly, art subjects including music, drawing, painting and sculpture allow children to enter a state of relaxation. After concentration on STEM subjects, what learners need is to unwind by usefully physical activities in order to make a balance. For instance, singing a song in the musical class could bring positive emotion to students. Secondly, studying art could improve performance in other subjects. It is true that art enhances fine motor skills, hand-eye coordination and problem-solving skills which may assists children in attaining better learning outcomes.
In conclusion, although several individuals claim that it is a waste of time for art education, it seems to me that having access to art classes is essential for children.
(Written by Mason)
Corrected Essay
The question whether art education is necessary for children at school has drawn much attention from the public. While some people argue that teaching art subjects is a waste of time, I believe that it is significant necessary for children to learn art-related subjects.
The phrase “has drawn much attention from the public” is not only a memorizing answer, but also very dull and off-topic. Please begin your essay with a “hook” sentence - that is, to explain your perspective about the topic (in this case, art).
The author has stated his opinion - he is more on the side of “art is essential”.
At the outset, it is thought by a handful of people that art education at school is a waste of time. There are more important subjects that would benefit children for their future life. Science, technology and mathematics, for example, are of great significant important subjects which allows students to find a good job after graduation. On the other hand By contrast, studying arts does not lead to a successful career. It is easy to see that those days, most artists have been struggling to make a living from selling their work of art these days.
Don’t begin your sentence with a weasel word like “at the outset” or “nowadays”. They only distract the readers.
“Significant” is not interchangeable with “necessary”, “essential”, or “important”.
“On the other hand” is used when you are talking about the other side of the argument, and it should be followed by “on the one hand”.
Either you put the time expression at the beginning of a sentence, or at the end (preferrably). A essential feature of a good writer is the ability to correctly use connectives without attracting any attention.
Avoid sounding like you are 100% certain with your argument. “Studying arts does not lead to a successful career” is a very bold saying, and I am sure that numerous people will disagree with that.
The author’s vocabulary and argument are very weak. To support the idea of learning natural science subject, he should write more on how these subjects help students in finding a good job (maybe because middle-class jobs like IT specialist or financial analyst require their employees to be good at math, and so on)
Despite the above arguments, from my perspective, learning art is necessary for students at school because of some radical reasons. Firstly, art subjects including music, drawing, painting and sculpture allow children to enter a state of relaxation relax. After concentration concentrating on STEM subjects, what learners need is to unwind by usefully physical activities in order to make a balance balance their mind. For instance, singing a song in the musical class could bring positive emotion to students. Secondly, studying art could improve performance in other subjects. It is true that art enhances fine motor skills, hand-eye coordination, and problem-solving skills which may assists children in attaining to attain better learning outcomes.
“Radical” is not a good synonym for “fundamental”. It sounds like “deviating by extremes”, which are reserved for terrorists.
“To enter a state of relaxation” sounds very wordy and unnatural. Simply using “to relax” is fine, but if that’s too short, you can write something like “to reduce the stress after studying in natural science classes”, and then join two consecutive sentences into one.
“In order to” is very informal, so don’t use it.
The author take 3 long sentences just to express the notion of “art helps you relax”, without providing sufficient example or evidence. He needs to be more concise.
In conclusion, although several individuals claim that it is a waste of time for art education, it seems to me that having access to art classes is essential for children.
This conclusion appears very weak. While the author has expressed that he agrees with the side “art is essential”, his argument isn’t sound (okay, you say that “art is essential”, but someone claims the opposite, so which person is right? Or better said, which side has fully supported his idea? The author has failed to address that in his conclusion)
Words: 269
Overall: 6.0
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others. (the author has written more than 250 words)
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion: 6
✓ arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately (the examples in the essays are mostly a repetition of the original argument, without adding any insight)
✗ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (the author knows how to use paragraphing, but that’s not enough to get a 7 in Coherence and Cohesion)
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy (the author has used some good words such as “fine motor skills”, “hand-eye coordination”, and “problem-solving skills”. However, that’s not enough to get a 7 in Lexical Resource due to various mistakes in using phrasal verbs)
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
Comments:
The chart below illustrates the amount of money per week spent on fast foods while the graph depicts the trends in consumption of fast foods in Britain from 1970 to 1990.
Overall, there are three income groups and three products where money were spent in the chart.Also,there are three illustrations of how these products (Hamburger,Fish and Chips and Pizza) were consumed from 1970 to 1990.
At first,it is observed that high income in this country came in mostly from Hamburger product (45) while the lowest income came in from Pizza product.
The income on the three groups in chart is almost the same regarding Fish & Chips (high income and low income maintained the same level)
In 1970 to 1980 there was gradual consumption of Hamburger and Fish & Chips products (0-180) while Pizza product had drastic demand from onset till 1975,then decreased gradually till 1980 and maintained flat rate of demand up till 1990.
In 1980,Pizza product experienced skyrocketted move till 1990 while Hamburger had gradual but continuous demand till 1990.
In conclusion, people of Britain consumed more of Hamburger & Fish and Chip products.
Traffic and housing issues have been topics of debate since the establishment and development of urban cities since those have been bustling with people hovering around in the streets in their extravagant cars and thronging at shopping malls, multiplexes and what not. As far as the means of solving the ensuing problems by making large corporations, factories move to the countryside is concerned, I disagree with it because of the following reasons.
Firstly, making large corporations and factories relocate to the countryside along with their employees, would cause a mass exodus of working class people who would be compelled to move so as to make their commuting between their home and workplace hassle-free. Given the gradual concentration of such people in the countryside, they would need the availability of public transport to be much more frequent which would augment population of vehicles which are owned by either the transport authorities or private individuals. Given the ramification that more number of vehicles would be running on the roads of the countryside, it would simply embroil the countryside in the fiasco of traffic congestions that most cities already suffer from.
Secondly, as far as housing problems are concerned, making big companies and production houses move to the countryside would also mean making them take the opportunity of find employment along with them. Though present housing issues remain a problem as it is, such a measure would lead the inhabitants to sell their houses off in the cities to buy properties in the countryside. Now that the prospects of work have shifted to the countryside, though it may lead to bigger spaces and areas for more houses to be built, it would be rarely inhabited by majority of people for whom, the such a measure to make great strides were taken.
Lastly, given the proliferation of newer and newer kinds of jobs and that too, with high pay scales are created as a nation's economy develops, it is quite obvious that the standard of living of its people would develop. Owning what was considered a luxury before has now surpassed the threshold of the term comfort and became a necessity as people became given to feeling more and more entitled because of their demands backed by a higher purchasing power, such demands often result in bidding for and purchasing luxurious apartments and cars which are often viewed as status symbols. These have taken over vast areas areas of city spaces as well as the streets. Even if the destinations of employment are made to move, people would simply do the same thing elsewhere that would result in the same kind of problem.
Thus, I believe making big corporations and factories move would rather abet in the proliferation of the problems rather than mitigating those.
The first diagrams depict the expenditure expended on fast food i.e. hamburger, fish & chips and pizza per week by people belonging to three income groups which are namely, high income, average income and low income. The second diagram shows the graph which expresses the quantity of the above-mentioned fast food intake in grams over the years 1970 to 1990.
To begin with the first diagram, it can be seen that hamburger happens to be the most popular among consumer belonging to the high income group as shown by the amount of money spent over it i.e. 45 pounds per week. The expenditure on hamburger is seconded by the amount spent on pizza, which is close to 20 pounds. However, it is fish & chips on which the consumers of this group has spent the least amount on. As for those belonging to the average income group, they happen to prefer hamburger over other alternatives as well. But however for them, fish & chips appear to be preferable than pizza as they have spent over twice the amount on the former over the latter i.e. 25 pounds and 12 pounds per week. Consumers from the low income group are given to consuming the highest preference for fish and chips as it is evident from the 16 pounds they spend on it each week. Overall, hamburger remains the most preferable fast food while pizza is found to be the least.
As for the intake of the given fast food alternatives expressed in terms of grams, the least amount of money spent per week on pizza is also supported by the declining trend in its intake, which fell from 300 grams in 1970 to 200 grams in 1990. On the contrary the intake of fish & chips has maintained a consistent rise in terms of intake from 100 grams in 1970 and 500 grams in 1990, because of the fact that it remained a viable alternative for the amount of money to be spent on by the average and low income groups. As for hamburgers, though it did follow a rising trend throughout the years under consideration the rate of increase in terms of intake was rather low compared to that of fish & chips, this is characterized by the flatter portion of the graph over the years 1975 to 1985 before becoming steeper from then on and reaching 300 grams in 1990.
thank you for proving us with papers
the given diagram accentuate the quantity of fast food consumption rate and the income of it.Hamburgers between both high and average income show the highest accrue rate and in low income slightly degraded under the chips bar laying it in an above medium area.The lowest in providing high income is fish and chips while being the highest in lower income this information clarifies fish and chips are the lowest gainer with pizza allowing an income balanced throughout the three categories in 1970 pizza was the most consumed and higher than both hamburgers and chips combined this statistic changes by the year 1980 where chips and pizza meet each other forming a cross point between 1980 and 1990 chips cause the most noticeable increase rising to reach 500 grams
the graph illustrates trends in music buying habits between 2011 and 2018.
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