Are famous people treated unfairly by the media?

Original Essay:

Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.

Firstly, it should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about a Pakistani actress wearing western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.

On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.

Concluding, I want to say that line must be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.

(Written by Narmeen Habib)

Corrected Essay:

Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.

• The first sentence, Different people hold different point of view regarding, is too generic, as majority students use this phrase in their introduction paragraph.

• Also, the reason(s) to support your stand and position is little totally unclear. This is supposed to be specific. Do not leave any vague statement like light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults as this will score you lower.

• Instead of using “&” to link the ideas, it is much better if you use “and” or any other cohesive devices.

• Overall, the introduction should give readers a quick sampling of some features in the following body paragraphs. Avoid unnecessary phrases (see the second bullet) that bring the rest of the essay vaguely repetitive.

Firstly, it It should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly thoroughly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about around a Pakistani actress wearing in western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities (a comma) and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.

• The topic sentence in this paragraph is too general. It is suggested including the keywords from the prompt.

• Nowadays is commonly used in an IELTS writing context. Try to find another expression.

• Punctuation like semi-colon is too vague. It is always better if you could change this punctuation with an appropriate cohesive device.

On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that claim that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.

• Try not to start with there is, as this phrase shows a weak sentence

• The use of pronoun in this phrase Your privacy is lack of reference

• they are of the opinion is counted as 5 words. Write they argue/ claim. Keep your sentence succinct and to  the point

• They lacks referencing in the second sentence

• The third sentence, I … believes, shows a minor problem with subject-and-verb agreement

• No evidence to support your claim is seen from this paragraph.

Concluding, In conclusion, I want to say that line must be is bound to be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable  a major trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.

• Change concluding to In conclusion

• Change must be to is bound to be as one of hedging phrases as to reduce the certainty of statement.

• You are not allowed to present a new idea: privacy is our psychological need. Simply restate your main ideas. Showing a new one will lower your score.

• The conclusion does not simply restate the main ideas of the thesis, but it should draw the implication and significance of the issue. Thus, leaving your personal view, like judgment or prediction, is needed

Words: 319

Overall: 6.5

●     Task Response: 6

✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others

✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/ unclear

●     Coherence and Cohesion: 6

×  arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression

✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (lack of good supporting evidence for the argument)

●     Lexical Resource: 7

✓ uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

✓ uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation

✓ may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

●     Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

✓ uses a variety of complex structures (avoid + Ving: avoid invading)

✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences

✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors