Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private life? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Original Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
Firstly, it should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about a Pakistani actress wearing western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Concluding, I want to say that line must be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
(Written by Narmeen Habib)
Corrected Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
The first sentence, Different people hold different point of view regarding, is too generic, as majority students use this phrase in their introduction paragraph.
Also, the reason(s) to support your stand and position is little totally unclear. This is supposed to be specific. Do not leave any vague statement like light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults as this will score you lower.
Instead of using “&” to link the ideas, it is much better if you use “and” or any other cohesive devices.
Overall, the introduction should give readers a quick sampling of some features in the following body paragraphs. Avoid unnecessary phrases (see the second bullet) that bring the rest of the essay vaguely repetitive.
Firstly, it It should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly thoroughly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about around a Pakistani actress wearing in western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities (a comma) and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
The topic sentence in this paragraph is too general. It is suggested including the keywords from the prompt.
Nowadays is commonly used in an IELTS writing context. Try to find another expression.
Punctuation like semi-colon is too vague. It is always better if you could change this punctuation with an appropriate cohesive device.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that claim that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Try not to start with there is, as this phrase shows a weak sentence
The use of pronoun in this phrase Your privacy is lack of reference
they are of the opinion is counted as 5 words. Write they argue/ claim. Keep your sentence succinct and to the point
They lacks referencing in the second sentence
The third sentence, I … believes, shows a minor problem with subject-and-verb agreement
No evidence to support your claim is seen from this paragraph.
Concluding, In conclusion, I want to say that line must be is bound to be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable a major trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
Change concluding to In conclusion
Change must be to is bound to be as one of hedging phrases as to reduce the certainty of statement.
You are not allowed to present a new idea: privacy is our psychological need. Simply restate your main ideas. Showing a new one will lower your score.
The conclusion does not simply restate the main ideas of the thesis, but it should draw the implication and significance of the issue. Thus, leaving your personal view, like judgment or prediction, is needed
Words: 319
Overall: 6.5
● Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/ unclear
● Coherence and Cohesion: 6
× arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (lack of good supporting evidence for the argument)
● Lexical Resource: 7
✓ uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
✓ uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
✓ may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
● Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
✓ uses a variety of complex structures (avoid + Ving: avoid invading)
✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences
✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib - IELTS Teacher at English Studio Kampung Inggris
Comments:
Sports, be it played individually or as a team, in either of the cases, it prods the participant into giving him or herself all in with what he or she has got in terms of strength, stamina, intelligence and degree of engagement. While some say playing sports as a team is better over doing it individually, others oppose in support of the latter. I shall discuss both the views and give my opinion in this regard.
To start with the perspective of the former, those who believe playing sports in a team is a better option over playing it individually, base their assertion on grounds of virtues such as teamwork, togetherness and accountability. They believe such virtues would go a long way into inculcating a holistic sense of what it takes to contribute, within an individual that would deter him or her from becoming too conceited and rest on his or her laurels with a perceived notion of feeling indispensable. For example, while strategizing on the prospective positions of players in the field, the participant would have to be equally involved in conceiving and suggesting his or her own, as well as being open to the ideas of peers since each of them including the concerned participant, have the right to have a say, whether or not he or she wishes to follow it. This would be definitely conducive to the aversion of a self-slanted perception for attainment of success and recognition of hard work.
To focus on the views of the latter, they believe that participants should be more given to playing sports that involves playing the same by the concerned individual only. They assert this view against that of the former, because they emphasize on the essence of individuality when it comes to identifying, recognizing and developing talents who are capable of fending for themselves on their own, come hell or high tides. Unless sports that promote this essence of individuality and the associated convictions that come with it, participants would not be able to earn the credit they are genuinely worthy of. For example, in the same game of football, in the event of a win that succeeds a grueling match between two opposing teams, while the more assiduous participant engaged more actively by chasing after the ball in the field to clinch the coveted victory field, the laidback one didn't who simply stood by the goalpost waiting for the ball to be given to him or her. In the event of victory, the hardworking one would not be recognized solely for what he did, but would just be considered a small cog in the machine that could pull through.
As for my opinion, I believe both kinds of sports have their own appeal and relevance to the fitting participant who is clearheaded about his or her purpose and sense of belonging. If the participant has the intention and can put up with nitty gritty of being a part of a pack, he or she should play sports that involve teamwork, over that of the one who perceives him or herself as a lone wolf.
The above diagram shows the amount spent by four countries which are namely, Britain, France, Italy and Germany over 6 types of consumer goods which are photographic film, toys, CDs, perfumes, tennis racquets and personal stereos.
What can be seen in the case of all types of products is that, Britain happens to have spent the amount on almost all of the given products, except for tennis rackets where it shares an equal amount spent along with that of Italy i.e. 155 pounds. Similarly ,Germany is the country which is seen to have spent the lowest amount among all the nations on almost all of the products, except on tennis rackets and perfumes and there too, just a little over that of France's, however incase of personal stereos, Germany also shares the same amount of money spent with the same country i.e. a little over 145 pounds.
By and large, it can be seen that though all of the given products are popular in Britain photography film is the most prominent one, followed by CDs in France, Toys in Italy, perfumes and tennis rackets in Germany.
The chart illustrates the amount of money spend by the four European countries ( Britain, France, Italy, Germany) on six consumer goods which are as follows – photographic films, toys, CDs, perfumes, tennis racquets, personal stereos.
According to the chart, Britain spend most of its money on photographic films that is 170 euros. Italy and France spend equal amount of euros on toys which somewhere around 155 euros. The expenditure on perfumes and tennis racquets by Italy is equal. Britain also, spends the similar amount of expense on tennis racquets and personal stereos that is 155 euros. As shown in the chart, Germany also spends the same amount money on photographic films, tennis racquets and perfumes as well as in toys and CDs and comparatively less amount in personal stereos. Amongst the four European countries, Britain puts more amount on CDs than the other three countries. As mentioned above, France spends more euros on photographic films and least amount on tennis racquets.
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The bar graph compares the amount of money spent by residents of four European countries (Britain, France, Italy and Germany) on six consumer goods including photographic film, toys, CDs, perfumes, tennis racquets and personal stereos.
British families spend major expenditure is on photographic films which is worth 170 euros. Toys are major source of expenses for both French and Italian residents with the total spendings of 157 euros. CDs are almost as popular as toys in France with a total expenditure of 158 euros per family. Germans spent equal amount of 150 euros on photographic film, perfumes and tennis racquets.
Overall, Britain residents spend most money on consumer goods and are leading buyers of all six types of products. French and Italian residents spend almost equal amounts of money on these consumer goods. While Germans families spend least money on these consumer goods.
On cumulative scale toys are the most popular products while personal stereos are the least popular product in all the European states.
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