The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)
The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?
This is a two-part question essay. The first one is asking for the cause of overpopulation, the second one is asking for your opinion.
If you want to disagree with the topic question statement, you have to write 3 paragraphs:
Body 1: The cause of overpopulation
Body 2: The effect of overpopulation on human society
Body 3: Over population is not detrimental as, for example, climate change.
If you remove the above Body 2, then the essay’s coherence will be lost. There will be no clear connect between Body 1 and Body 3.
Model Essay
The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.
A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.
To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.
A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.
K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.
Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.
In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.
The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.
The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.
Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).
However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.
Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.
The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.
“From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”
“... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”
Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.
To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.
A simple and concise conclusion. You can end your essay with a 1-sentence conclusion, but 2 is better in this case.
A 269-word essay is enough for Academic Writing Task 2. Going over 300 words means you are unable to concisely express your idea, and that isn’t encouraged in the IELTS exam.
Words: 269.
Task Response: 9
fully addresses all parts of the task
presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas
Coherence and Cohesion: 9
uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention
skilfully manages paragraphing
Lexical Resource: 9
uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9
uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Another sample essay
The problem of ever-growing population has stroked as a global issue encountered by today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of population is the major threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest impact on the environment and the wellbeing of the human beings.
Population growth is reciprocal to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in effectiveness of control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills which are easy to use, but less efficient and that result in increased birth rates and available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase life span.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands for increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to ecosystem.
(Written by Susa Dhakal)
Corrected Essay
The problem of an ever-growing population has stroked raised as a global issue encountered by for today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of the population is the major greatest threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest major impact on the environment and the wellbeing well-being of the human beings.
Avoid overusing passive voice. “An issue for someone” is much natural than “an issue encountered by someone”
Redundant language. If you have used “due to”, then you don’t need to add “the reasons for”.
When being asked “do you agree that it is the GREATEST problem?”, you are required to include a superlative adjective in your answer. So “the major threat” doesn’t work here.
Population growth is reciprocal related to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in the effectiveness of birth control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills, which are easy to use, but less efficient, and that result in increased birth rates. and Furthermore, available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase longer life span spans.
The topic sentence here is not coherent with the main theme of the essay. Since the author has stated in the conclusion that longer life span is a cause of overpopulation, he should include it in the topic sentence of this body paragraph too.
“Reciprocal” means “given, felt, or done in return”. The correct collocation in this case is “to be related to”, not “to be reciprocal to”.
“There are many cases.” Which cases, then? The author are required to provide some examples after using that phrase. I would suggest him delete that sentence completely since his essay is too lengthy.
The last sentence is too lengthy and incohesive. Should have broken it down into two sentences. Not to mention that the author forgot to put a comma after the relative pronoun “which”, which makes it really hard to read.
The author spends most of his Body Paragraph 1 for supporting the argument of “inefficient birth control leads to overpopulation. His other argument about longer life span is nearly overlooked. Poor coherence here.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased increasing population demands demand for increase more housing development, employments, and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery verdant and fertile lands, which turned changes those areas to be industrial areas, that in turn lead leads to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
The author uses each body paragraph to address each topic question. Good thinking.
If the essay question requires you to address if “the problem of X is the most dangerous threat to humanity”, it implies that you should compare the effect of X (overpopulation, in this case) on humanity to that of Y and Z (nuclear war and environmental pollution, for example).
However, the author has not make any comparison. A possible approach is to say that “overpopoulation is the root of other serious issues such as environmental pollution and high unemployment”. The root of other problems is usually the most dangerous one.
“The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities.” But how? The author needs to proof it with evidence.
“In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.” This sentence fails to support the argument in the previous sentence (“An increasing poulation demand for…”) The author could remove it since his essay is pretty lengthy anyway.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to the ecosystem.
This conclusion does not fully address the topic question. The author should have been written that overpopulation is the GREATEST threat, however, he only said that it is a “serious” issue (much weaker).
325 words is too much for an Task 2 essay. If you write less than this, then you will have time to double-check your grammatical mistakes.
(Words: 325)
.
Overall: 6.0
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/
Comments:
The give chart provides Information about the amount of waste produced by company A, company B and company C from 2000 to 2015.
It can be clearly seen that the amount of waste in company C increased while the amount of waste in company A decreased throughout the period.
Looking at the grap in more details, the amount of waste in company A declined moderately to about 9 between 2000 and 2010. There was a slight drop in this at about 8 in 2015. The amount of waste in company B went up sharply from around 8.5 to 10 over the following five years. The company B experienced significant decrease to 3 in 2020.
According the line graph, there was a steep growth in the amount of waste in company C at approximately 6 over a period of 5 years. In the year 2010, company C witnessed minimal rise at nearly 7. This grew markedly to almost 10 between 2010 to 2015.
The three pie charts below show the change in annual spending by a particular UK school in 1981,1991 and 2001.
The graphs illustrates the change for a United Kingdom school in the three years in 1981, 1982, and 1983.
Overall, we can clearly observe that over the period expenditure most in staff salaries. However, furniture as well as equipment increased rapidly and drops expenditure on things such as books and workers salaries.
In the three years, the greatest expenditure was on staff salaries,but while other workers salaries say a fall from 28% in 1981 to only 15% in 2001 . In the three years teachers pay demand the biggest cost reaching 50% total spending in 1991 and ending 45% in 2001.
Expenditure on resources like furniture as well as equipment to 15% by 1981 which increased dramatically to 23 percentage in ending years. Nevertheless, books was 20 proportion in 1991, which significant fall in 2001 from 9 %. The total spending of insurance rose minimally over the period.
More and more people start to succumb for drugs. What the causes of this phenomenon? Gave your solutions for this factor.
On the last time in various countries consuming the drugs becoming increasingly common among youth and adults. In this essay I will try to release the causes of this factor and present some remedies. First of all, it should be noted that approximately whole problems are cause by older generation. They convey misbehavior in form of that they experience necessary feelings to consume smoking either drinking that gradually switch to addiction and based on this younger generation see the pattern after which they succumb to try all of these mentioned above stuffs. Second reason may liie on the TV series, particularly in series such friends or euphoria where drugs mentioned not in less measure. Eventually, the plight retain also in the surrounding of humankind that force to them try such things like drugs to be able fight setbacks in their life individuals believe in refusing from them from this way. I consider the way out of these problems especially lies on the family side. They should have sense of responsibility when they show negative impacts for their children, take care about child mental statement to avoid of such events in the future life. second not less paramount solution is preventing the various illustrations about drugs in the movies that deteriorate right minds of individuals. Certainly people can not influence to fix others, however to beginning with they should to rise to the right way themselves after that no one can be the initiator for your businesses. Consequently, I infer humankind have a capacity to changing and transformation of their own life solely by rejection of the destroying things.
New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time . Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?
In recent years, new technologies like smartphones, tablets and gaming consoles have become ubiquitous , even among children. As a result , the way children spend their leisure time has been drastically altered .While this change has brought about both benefits and drawbacks , I believe that the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages.
On the one hand, it is true that technology has its own downsides when it comes to kids. For instance, excessive screen time has been linked to poor sleep quality, impaired cognitive development , and increased risk of obesity. Children who spend too much time in front of screen may also find it too difficult to engage in other important activities such as sports, socializing with peers , and reading. Moreover, the internet can expose young people to inappropriate content, cyberbullying, and online predators.
On the other hand, there are several advantages to children spending their free time on technology. First and foremost, the use of technology devices can help develop crucial skills such as problem solving, critical thinking, and digital literacy . Many educational apps , games , and videos are available , which can enhance learning and encourage creativity. Additionally, technology provides an opportunity for social connection through online gaming communities, video chatting , and social media platforms. In today's world , where virtual communication has become increasingly important , technology enables children to stay in touch with friends and family who live far away.
In conclusion, while technology has some negative impacts on children's leisure time, its benefits outweigh its drawbacks. As long as parents monitor their children's screen time and ensure they engage in variety of activities , technology can be valuable tool for learning and socializing . Therefore , it is essential for parents and educators to embrace new technologies and encourage their responsible use among children.
Nowadays,more and more technical advertisements are spread around every place all over the world. Due to these developed technologies, most of the companies can advertise their products easier than before. I definitely agree to this point that advertising plays as a crucial role in our social lives.
If we were back to 19th century, not many advertisements were not known much and not as popular as in current time. Take us for example,
the advertisements in that time was very simple such as using only the cartoons charactors,
just encoding the main points for the products and using long theme songs for one advertisements. In the contrary, these ways could not be affected obviously to attract the people's mind to purchase their products. Why it could not be succeeded is that there were few houses owned the televisions for watching such kinds of advertisements.
Compared with such that time, today's system of advertisements are huge different dramatically. For example, the ways of advertisements are not conventional since many websites and social networks are influenced among the people's daliy life.The first point is everything can be chose and purchased smoothly with one touch on screen. Thousands of companies strive to get the high selling targets as much as they can by inserting their ads in social medias, creation their own pages and attracting with more or less amount of giveaways for subscribing their pages. Furthermore, advertising with the top celebrities is one of the ways to penetrate the marketing network. Seventy percents of people obsess about famous top stars so that the advertisements with them are able to influence the people's mind to buy the products which they advertise.The main point is that we can save our precious time by ordering the things we need from home without wasting time and energy. How splendid it is!
Taking all into account, it is more convinced to be one of the top sellers due to these developed technologies such as social networks. May be it was hard to sell even one thing to the customer.
Nevertheless, there is nothing to worry about the new products to be in the hands of the cosumers.
Through many ages, all of the situations and circumstances are transmitted from time to time.
Today many individuals think that children's parents should put restriction on their watching TV and playing video games routine and they should spend more time for read books. I totally agree with this statement because TV and video games are not very useful for children and books on the other hand are highly important for their study.
To begin with playing video games and watching TV are not useful for children because they put bad affect on eyesight as they spend more time on TV and video games. When they watch TV and playing video games, then they do not take food properly and they do not do study properly.For example, in India most three children come from their school they start watching TV and play video games due to this they lost their interest in study.As a result in coma, they cannot complete their study in good grade and they can decrease their eyesight and cannot do work properly in the future.
However, these days books are provide more knowledge to children or any person. Books are very beneficial for children because books are decrease stress and gain knowledge of children. Many type of books such as:. Poetry books, comic books, knowledgeable books, and scientific books are available in the market or libraries . For example, in the foreign country, some children gave preference to read books,they are get knowledge and start their big business in teenage and early settled in their life. Resultantly coma, reading books are very knowledgeable rather than watching TV and playing video games because books provide a discipline and knowledge to children.
In conclusion, children should read books rather than watching TV and playing video games because reading books, give more knowledge to children and watching TV and playing video games are not useful, these waste their precious time. So they can't achieve their goal in their life. If children spend more time on watching TV and playing video games, parents should prevent from this bad habit.
nowadays, children spend their most of time for playing games and no enough time for physical activitiesCurrently, most of the children’s spending thier time in video play on mobile devices and also playing game on computers, because new generation, nowadays they interest in mobile games and aslo playing movies on tv its is not essential for students, so i disagree with that. on the other hand. students who spend their time on physical activities like they playing games on outside and they are mentally and physically fit because, physically activity is more better then spending time on mobile devices.
so,i disagree with that. In my opinion,children spend thier time in physical activities,moreover when they most of time in physical activities they are fully fit and thier health is aslo good.
As we know that, technology has increasing day by day and it has made our life too much easier and comfortable. However, many researchers says that in future all transportation vehicles will be automatic drive and when travelling inside these only passengers without driver. According to me, I think it has some cons and some pros so that before commitment on my opinion I will explain my thought in this essay.
First of all, driverless travelling is a good idea because people can easily reach on their destination without driving and they don’t have trouble in future. Moreover, nowadays many people used to cars, truck and public transportation like bus, so that traffic has also increased and people stuck in traffic jam. In this situation people have to face many difficulties while driving these vehicles but when it will become a driverless people will seat inside car and enjoy with friends and family and they also will not feel bored.
On the other side, it has many drawbacks for human beings such as, many people not interested in this offer because they are not take any risk while travelling in car, truck or buses without driver. Automatic transportation will become riskier for us especially for youngsters. They like to drive faster and with automatic they will want to travelling like a flying. In addition, In my country, many individuals earn money on the basis driving. Therefore, if it become driverless they lost their earring platform.
In conclusion, I believe that it’s disadvantage of driverless vehicles outweigh the advantages because it’s become a riskier and people have to chances to lost their job as a driver.
In this contemporary epoch, it is vehemently true that the extreme amount of traffic have been created difficulties in not only few cities but in globe. The impending paragraphs intends to give a brief explanation of notions along with my personal whim.
Commencing with the paragraph, it reckons that due to extreme traffic jam the utter hustle and bustle have been created on paths. Ironically, it causes a lot of pollution in all over world. Firstly, a huge proportion of chronic disease have became a part of this reason. For instance, health organization inculcate that 85% of fetal disease are occuring due to the pollution cause by traffic. Moreover, accidents is the second major hardship for citizens. There are countless individuals who have lost there kith and kins in road accidents. However, most of the cases happens only because of the huge disturbance or traffic on the main roads and highways.
To conclude, it is a vital problem for all over world . So, individuals should be cooperative and should also give their support in controlling it. In addition to it, if more quicker Government will take these initiative steps than more rapidly the problems and hardships faced by traffic jam will fade.
How can i get my writing part valued?