The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)
The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?
This is a two-part question essay. The first one is asking for the cause of overpopulation, the second one is asking for your opinion.
If you want to disagree with the topic question statement, you have to write 3 paragraphs:
Body 1: The cause of overpopulation
Body 2: The effect of overpopulation on human society
Body 3: Over population is not detrimental as, for example, climate change.
If you remove the above Body 2, then the essay’s coherence will be lost. There will be no clear connect between Body 1 and Body 3.
Model Essay
The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.
A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.
To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.
A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.
K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.
Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.
In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.
The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.
The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.
Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).
However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.
Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.
The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.
“From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”
“... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”
Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.
To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.
A simple and concise conclusion. You can end your essay with a 1-sentence conclusion, but 2 is better in this case.
A 269-word essay is enough for Academic Writing Task 2. Going over 300 words means you are unable to concisely express your idea, and that isn’t encouraged in the IELTS exam.
Words: 269.
Task Response: 9
fully addresses all parts of the task
presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas
Coherence and Cohesion: 9
uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention
skilfully manages paragraphing
Lexical Resource: 9
uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9
uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Another sample essay
The problem of ever-growing population has stroked as a global issue encountered by today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of population is the major threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest impact on the environment and the wellbeing of the human beings.
Population growth is reciprocal to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in effectiveness of control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills which are easy to use, but less efficient and that result in increased birth rates and available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase life span.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands for increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to ecosystem.
(Written by Susa Dhakal)
Corrected Essay
The problem of an ever-growing population has stroked raised as a global issue encountered by for today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of the population is the major greatest threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest major impact on the environment and the wellbeing well-being of the human beings.
Avoid overusing passive voice. “An issue for someone” is much natural than “an issue encountered by someone”
Redundant language. If you have used “due to”, then you don’t need to add “the reasons for”.
When being asked “do you agree that it is the GREATEST problem?”, you are required to include a superlative adjective in your answer. So “the major threat” doesn’t work here.
Population growth is reciprocal related to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in the effectiveness of birth control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills, which are easy to use, but less efficient, and that result in increased birth rates. and Furthermore, available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase longer life span spans.
The topic sentence here is not coherent with the main theme of the essay. Since the author has stated in the conclusion that longer life span is a cause of overpopulation, he should include it in the topic sentence of this body paragraph too.
“Reciprocal” means “given, felt, or done in return”. The correct collocation in this case is “to be related to”, not “to be reciprocal to”.
“There are many cases.” Which cases, then? The author are required to provide some examples after using that phrase. I would suggest him delete that sentence completely since his essay is too lengthy.
The last sentence is too lengthy and incohesive. Should have broken it down into two sentences. Not to mention that the author forgot to put a comma after the relative pronoun “which”, which makes it really hard to read.
The author spends most of his Body Paragraph 1 for supporting the argument of “inefficient birth control leads to overpopulation. His other argument about longer life span is nearly overlooked. Poor coherence here.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased increasing population demands demand for increase more housing development, employments, and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery verdant and fertile lands, which turned changes those areas to be industrial areas, that in turn lead leads to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
The author uses each body paragraph to address each topic question. Good thinking.
If the essay question requires you to address if “the problem of X is the most dangerous threat to humanity”, it implies that you should compare the effect of X (overpopulation, in this case) on humanity to that of Y and Z (nuclear war and environmental pollution, for example).
However, the author has not make any comparison. A possible approach is to say that “overpopoulation is the root of other serious issues such as environmental pollution and high unemployment”. The root of other problems is usually the most dangerous one.
“The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities.” But how? The author needs to proof it with evidence.
“In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.” This sentence fails to support the argument in the previous sentence (“An increasing poulation demand for…”) The author could remove it since his essay is pretty lengthy anyway.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to the ecosystem.
This conclusion does not fully address the topic question. The author should have been written that overpopulation is the GREATEST threat, however, he only said that it is a “serious” issue (much weaker).
325 words is too much for an Task 2 essay. If you write less than this, then you will have time to double-check your grammatical mistakes.
(Words: 325)
.
Overall: 6.0
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/
Comments:
Many people no longer read newspapers or watch TV news programs. Instead, they get news about the world from the Internet. Is this a positive or negative development?
Answer.
The days we live in are enriched with technological advancements.
With these milestones, it is no wonder many people no longer resort to newspapers and TV news programs but reach for the online network to gather news updates. I believe this is a positive development.
There are several reasons responsible for this technological urge. One main factor is that cyberspace is easily and quickly accessible.
In the past, one would have to wait for the newspaper to be delivered to his doorstep or wait for the 9 pm TV news to get up to speed with the global happenings. Whereas, with the net, the latest news is within your reach with only a few clicks. For example, research conducted by the Wall Street Journal in June 2000, suggests that most people prefer to read news online about various topics rather than purchase several newspapers to get the same information.
Another reason for the attraction towards the web is that it is cheaper and environmentally friendly.
With the use of mobile phones to access cyberspace, the need to spend on newspapers and dump them after use would be a thing of the past.
For those who like to keep references to events in the past, a simple method of tagging the posts is readily available on the net. With this, one can easily research and not subject oneself to undue stress in searching for articles once read.
In conclusion, I concur that accessing world information is better accessed through hyperspace.
Task 2
The word internet became a buzzword all around the world at once from the beginning of the late 20th century with new advances in technology which we are enjoying now in different ways in our lifestyle. People across the world are utilizing the internet rather than reading the newspapers or watching television nowadays. In my opinion, the greater the advancement, the larger the consequences, which the internet also has. I totally agree with the statement.
Generation by generation, internet usage has increased, while reading newspapers has decreased drastically, and watching TV with family and friends is decreasing day by day, which raises concerns about social interaction and the loss of human touch. Reading is a great habit for humans to sharpen the brain for thinking logically, analytically, and mainly understanding with imagination, which improves creative thinking. In the case of a person using a mobile phone for reading content, which may contain a lot of distractions, that causes a lack of focus and spending time in unproductive activities.
On the other hand, the exposure to the news around the world is a great achievement of the internet. People across the world learn about their country and other country development in any aspect, which is a great source of knowledge for humans to understand what is happening around us. With my experience with the internet, it allows everyone to upload content. This content may be biased or the content may be incorrect, leading to confusion about who to trust.
It can be concluded that the internet is very helpful, with trusted websites or organizations, but it also has its consequences, like false news, hate speech, etc. So, users need to be alert while reading different articles.
Task 1:
The given layout depicts the transition of the ground floor in a building from the year 1958 to the current year.
From the layout, the floor was renovated three times according to the need of the apartment owners. The floor was used commercially twice in the given timeline. Firstly, from 1958 to 1984, the floor served as an office, which contained different office rooms as per the divisions within the working area, along with additional facilities such as a meeting room, toilet, kitchen, and reception. Secondly, from 2001 to the present, the area was used as a flower shop with an office room, a kitchen, a gift card room, and a play area, while the rest of the area was allocated for placing the flowers.
During the whole time, there were many changes in the layout, but the kitchen was not modified or replaced by any of the owners. Additionally, in the southeast corner, the toilet was expanded with added facilities in it until it became the secretary's office in 1985.
Currently, in the flower shop, the majority of the area is occupied by the flower plants, with less space dedicated to other rooms.
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The figure shows information about how the floor of a building has been transformed over the years.
Overall, the graph shows three floor plans which correspond to three different periods, the first one to the period between 1958 and 1984, when the floor was used as an office, the second one to the period between 1985 and 2000 when the floor was used as an apartment, finally the third image corresponds to the floor plan of a flower store from 2001 to the present.
To begin with, you can see how in the first period of time, when the floor was used as an office, it had a meeting room at the back left, just in front was the kitchen, in the middle of the floor between the kitchen and the toilet were located the offices of the assistant and the secretary, just on the other side in the middle of the floor on the right side was the Manager's office, and on the left side after entering was the Toilet and on the other side was the reception area. Moreover, the second image shows the period between 1985 and 2000, when the apartment was used as an apartment, where there are great changes in the distribution of spaces, being in the upper left corner the Living room and on the other side the kitchen, in the middle area the bedroom 1 and just below the bedroom 2, in the lower left corner the Bathroom and Shower, Finally, in the third graph you can see the current use of the floor since 2001, Finally, in the third graph you can see the current use of the floor since 2001, when it already corresponds to a flower store, on the right side in the upper part remains the kitchen, under it in the middle is an office and in the lower part next to the entrance is an area with flowers, in front on the left side is a play area, in the middle left area is another area with flowers and in the upper left corner is the Gift Cards area.
To summarize, it can be clearly seen how the same floor has undergone several changes over time, where the kitchen has remained in the same place during the three periods and in the final period the bathroom was removed.
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The map shows how the layout of a building changed over time as the purpose of the building changed since 1958. Overall the location for the entrance and kitchen has remained the same from 1958 to the present.
From 1958 to 1984 (26 years) the building was used as an office. During this era, the building had the most cabins/compartments/partitions to house the office staff. Moreover, the remaining space was utilized as a toilet, reception area, and kitchen.
For the next 15 years (1985-2000) the building's layout changed to serve the purpose of an apartment. For this purpose, two bedrooms, a living room, and a bathroom/shower area were introduced. Furthermore, the free area remained almost the same as in the previous era even though there are fewer compartments now but they are bigger.
Since 2001 the building is being used as a flower shop. The location of the kitchen is the same as before but more free space is introduced to house the flowers. Apart from that there is an office, a play area, and a gift card shop.
Nowadays, many people are neither reading newspaper magazines nor watching news programmes on TV, they always tend to watch programs or read news articles from the internet. In my opinion, I consider it is as a positive development due to the fact that it gave public an option to watch programs whenever they feel to watch instead of watching them only in that particular time.
Firstly, thanks to this advanced technology which gave us an excellent opportunity to watch or read programs as our wish and as many times as we want. When compared with watching news on the television which is played only once, watching news using the internet, provides us the facility to watch news as many times we want, which is comparatively far better and also improves news clarity. Many people are now attracted towards reading news articles on the web rather than reading daily newspaper, whereas this technology also provides us the facility to search and explore news about a particular topic we wish to.
Secondly, reading or watching news magazines or TV programs respectively are not considered efficient ways to get information nowadays which lack some sort of clarity, and they even charge some amount of money for their services to be delivered. Getting information using internet is cheap nowadays when compared to traditional ways of getting data such as television and magazines. Although, some articles on the internet tend to circulate wrong info which is a disadvantage of news articles but these channels which pass false news about the issues in the world are monitored closely and may be banned in the future to publish news articles.
To sum up, there are large number of clear advantages of reading and watching news from the web instead of using TV's and newspapers to gain information. I consider internet as an asset which provides public this type of technology to watch daily news and do numerous activities.
The plan given illustrates the changes made in the ground level of a particular building over time.
Overall, the ground floor was changed three times in the time periods 1958-84,1985-2000, and 2001-present for an office, flat, and a flower shop respectively.
Firstly, from 1958-84, ground floor was allocated to an office where the plan included some areas such as toilet, reception, office rooms, and the kitchen. Secondly, from 1985-2000, ground floor was given for a flat when some changes were made such as removing all the office rooms from the plan, except toilet and kitchen. In fact, bathroom was extended till the secretary's office, living room covered total space of meeting room and assistant's office, whereas the manager office and the reception area was combined and divided into two bedrooms.
Finally, from 2001-present date, the ground floor was given to a flower shop. Here also some changes were made which include converting two bedrooms into office and flowers area, decreasing the size of the living room to make a place for gift cards, and removing the bathroom and allocating that place to play area.
The maps illustrate how the base floor of a building varied from 1958 to the present time.
Overall, his use changed three times during the period, it passed from being an office to being an apartment for a certain period, and finally, it became a flower shop. Despite most of the rooms changed during these variations, the kitchen didn’t.
The ground floor components can be organized according to their position related to the entrance. On the right side, the kitchen was a permanent room during the whole period, from 1958 to the present time. Instead, the other rooms were subjected to variations. If in the first 15 years there were the manager’s office and the reception area, they were later replaced by two bedrooms between 1985 and 2000, and later by an office and a flower section, since from 2001 the ground floor became a flower shop.
The left side instead, changed completely over the years. During the first period, it was organized in office rooms, and in 1985 those areas were adjusted to have a living room and a big bathroom since it became an apartment. Finally, in 2001 these two rooms were replaced by a gift card area, one devoted to play and another section for flowers