Are famous people treated unfairly by the media?
Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private life? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Original Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
Firstly, it should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about a Pakistani actress wearing western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Concluding, I want to say that line must be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
(Written by Narmeen Habib)
Corrected Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
The first sentence, Different people hold different point of view regarding, is too generic, as majority students use this phrase in their introduction paragraph.
Also, the reason(s) to support your stand and position is little totally unclear. This is supposed to be specific. Do not leave any vague statement like light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults as this will score you lower.
Instead of using “&” to link the ideas, it is much better if you use “and” or any other cohesive devices.
Overall, the introduction should give readers a quick sampling of some features in the following body paragraphs. Avoid unnecessary phrases (see the second bullet) that bring the rest of the essay vaguely repetitive.
Firstly, it It should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly thoroughly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about around a Pakistani actress wearing in western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities (a comma) and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
The topic sentence in this paragraph is too general. It is suggested including the keywords from the prompt.
Nowadays is commonly used in an IELTS writing context. Try to find another expression.
Punctuation like semi-colon is too vague. It is always better if you could change this punctuation with an appropriate cohesive device.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that claim that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Try not to start with there is, as this phrase shows a weak sentence
The use of pronoun in this phrase Your privacy is lack of reference
they are of the opinion is counted as 5 words. Write they argue/ claim. Keep your sentence succinct and to the point
They lacks referencing in the second sentence
The third sentence, I … believes, shows a minor problem with subject-and-verb agreement
No evidence to support your claim is seen from this paragraph.
Concluding, In conclusion, I want to say that line must be is bound to be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable a major trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
Change concluding to In conclusion
Change must be to is bound to be as one of hedging phrases as to reduce the certainty of statement.
You are not allowed to present a new idea: privacy is our psychological need. Simply restate your main ideas. Showing a new one will lower your score.
The conclusion does not simply restate the main ideas of the thesis, but it should draw the implication and significance of the issue. Thus, leaving your personal view, like judgment or prediction, is needed
Words: 319
Overall: 6.5
● Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/ unclear
● Coherence and Cohesion: 6
× arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (lack of good supporting evidence for the argument)
● Lexical Resource: 7
✓ uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
✓ uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
✓ may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
● Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
✓ uses a variety of complex structures (avoid + Ving: avoid invading)
✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences
✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib - IELTS Teacher at English Studio Kampung Inggris
Comments:
The diagram below depicts the structure of a neuron and explains the way in which it works.
Overall, it consists of six main elements, each of them performing its own function.
Like any other cell, a neuron has a body, which is called soma. It is also made up of dendrites that look like roots branching out from the main body. Each neuron has one main myelin-covered axon stretching from the cell and forming terminal buttons that consist of many branches with little swellings in the ends. Furthermore, each axon contains action potential, a special electrical signal travelling from the cell to the terminal buttons.
As can be seen, each part of the neuron plays its own role in the organism. While dendrites receive signals from other cells, axons forward these messages to other neurons, glands or muscles. They perform this part of the communication process using action potential. It should also be noted that each exon is covered with a substance, called myelin, which accelerates the passing of neural impulses. Finally, terminal buttons at the end of each axon perform the function of forming junctions with other cells.
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can someone rate my writing task 1? thanks in advance.
The flowchart depicts how does a neuron work and what are its parts.
Overall, a neuron has seven components, starting with the cell body and finishing with Terminal buttons. The main purpose of the cell is to receive messages and pass them away to other neurons, glands and muscles.
The main component of a neuron cell is the Cell body, which is its soma. The messages from other cells are received by the Dendrites and passed away from to other neurons, muscles or glands by the Axon. This whole process is supported by the Action potential, which it is an electrical signal travelling down the Axon.
The Myelin Sheath is in charge of covering the messages of some neurons and helping speed neural impulses. Consequently, the information arrives in the last component of a neuron, Terminal buttons. They form junctions with other cells and finishes the main purpose of a neuron.
The information regarding the components of a neuron and how it works is depicted by the rendered diagram.
Looking from an overall perspective, it is crystal clear that there are seven pieces in the neuron system and various steps in the working system.
To begin with the components, the cell body is in a circular form and is situated in the cell. On the outer side of the cell body, there are dendrites, and its work to receive massages from other cells and it is also attached with other neurons. Additionally, axon is a capsule like structure that is situated in the action potential, and its work to pass messages from the cell body to other neurons, muscles, or glands.
Shifting attention towards the rest of the information, the myelin sheath, which covers the axon of some neurons and helps speed neural impulses. Moreover, there are five myelin sheaths, which are called action potentials. The last component is terminal buttons, which forms junction with other cells.
A neuron is the fundamental unit of the nervous system. The function of a neuron is to send and receive neural impulses.It comprises of dendrites, cell body and axon. The cell body or soma have multiple projections knowns as dendrites and a single tail-like extension called the axon. Dendrites essentially receive messages/signals from other cells. These signals are passed on to the axon via the cell body. These signals then travel down the axon through action potentials. The axon of some neurons are covered by myelin sheath which speeds up the transmission of signals. At the end of a neuron, the terminal buttons form junctions with dendrites of neighbouring cells, thereby, relaying the message to other neurons, muscle or glands.
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In today’s modern era, the increasing population of senior citizens are required to be closely taken care of within society due to the advancements in the medical industry. In my opinion, I believe that the world will have a hard time managing the vast numbers of elderly folks today due to lack of manpower in healthcare that no technology can replace for daily basic activities. Consequently, governments of different nations should consider constructing more well-equipped foster homes to help minimise this issue.
It is undeniable that the healthcare industry is lacking manpower. This is because the younger generations find studying medicine too time-consuming, and not many people can commit to 5 years of medical studies or even longer. Young adults would rather work in the retail e-commerce industry which helps money to grow faster. To illustrate this, nurses are needed to help shower or clean the body waste of incapable elderly citizens, no advanced technology can help to do this daily essential activity. As a result, elderly people are neglected because they are hard to manage and no one wants to take up this tough manual job.
Based on my recommendation, the solution to manage this issue is by raising the numbers of proper and well-equipped old folks' homes to help manage the growing population of the elderly. Government should send a good amount of pension for each home to ensure there is sufficient food and necessities needed for the elderly.
In conclusion, despite healthcare improvements in the world, it is still hard to manage the rising growth of senior citizens because of the lack of labour force in the medical industry. To improve this situation, governments need to take into consideration by building more well-equipped old folks’ home within the country and providing pension to them.
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Anyone give your opinion on my Task 1 and Task 2 writings please. I hope that I have given the right response on Task 2. Anyone define that !
Task 1
The diagram below depicts a structure of neuron. It can be seen that there are five main components of neuron. Each of them has its own functions. A neuron, as other cells, has a soma which, is a cell body at the same time. There are small fibres on the some which are called dendrites. Their main function is to receive messages from other cells. Also, there is a large fibre named the axon, this part of the neuron transmits messages to other cells. The axon has little bulbs at its end called terminal buttons. They create connections between two cells, and terminal buttons help the axon to transmit signal from one cell to another. The last part of neuron depicted is the myelin shealth. The main function of this part of the neuron is to speed up neural impulses and to cover the axon. Additionaly, there is shown an action potential. It is not a part of the neuron. In fact, the action potential is an electrical signal that always travels down the axon.
Task 2
Over the last few decades, medical services have improved. Because of the developments, there are more elderly people than ever before. Due to this increase society have to cope with them and help as much as possible.
Firstly, it is very important to help them because they are the same people as we are, but due to their age they have less physical possibilities. Because of the increasing number of elderly people , more facilities for them have to appear. It is very important for people not to forget those ones who are older.
Im my opinion, there are a few ways how people can cope with the sharp growth of number of pensioners. One possible solution is to develop and provide care homes for elderly people. Sending pensioners to care homes is very popular in developed countries , but, unfortunately,in developing countries it is not so popular and because of that a lot of elderly people have to stay. This leads to lack of communication and pensioners lose touch with a society.
The second way , how people can cope with the growth is to make pupils and students visit some hospitals and care house to conversate with pensioners. In my opinion , it will help elderly people to keep in touch with younger generation and because of that changes pensioners will feel less lonely. Despite, ways which were mentioned above young people do not have to forget about worthy medical care , with which every pensioner has to be supplied.
All after all, I can say that it is very important not to forget older generation and supply them with proper care all around the world. Unfortunately, a lot of elderly people do not have the proper level of medical care and other services but it has to be changed.
the diagram below depicts the structure of a neuron and explains the way in which it works. All in all, consider this component of the neurons has six main elements.
Soma is the cell body of neuron.it is also made up of dendrites.it look like roots branching out from the main body. firstly, receive messages from other cell is a dendrites responsibility. All elements have own duty to do. Secondary passages messages away from the cell body to other neurons, muscles, or glans which is Axon duty in the neuron system. Myelin sheath covers the axon of some neuron and helps speed neural impulses. Action potential assist to the electrical signal traveling down the axon. The information arrives last components in neurons, terminal button. they form junction with other cells and finished the main propose of neuron.
The diagram depicts the various components of a neuron such as soma, Dentrites, Axon, Myelin sheath, Terminal buttons and the detailed functions of the respective parts in the transmission of neural messages in a human body.
First, the dendrites receive messages from other neurons. Then, the signals are passed through the cell body(soma). Next, the signals are passed through a tubelike structure called Axon, which sends messages away from the cell body to the other neurons, muscles, or glands which is called Action potential. which is covered by a capsule shape sheaths called Myelin sheath which also helps speed neural impulses.
Finally, the electrical signals are passed on to Terminal buttons, which form junctions with other cells and pass on the signals to them. In this way, the human brain's signals are passed to the desired part of the body to respond to the different reflexes through millions of neurons.
Hi, I have written Task 1. Can someone review it ?
The chart illustrates the components of a neuron and how it functions. Overall, different components of a neuron work together to perform a specific task.
Looking at the figure, the cell body(soma) is located at one end, while the terminal buttons are at another end of a neuron. The root-like structure surrounding the cell body is known as dendrites. Dendrites act as a receiver that receives messages from other cells and passes the received message via Axon to other components of the neuron.
Axon connects the cell body with terminal buttons, and passes messages away from the cell body to other neurons, muscles, or glands. Myelin sheath protects the Axon and acts as a reactor, speeding neural impulses. The electrical signal or message traveling down (from the cell body to the terminal buttons) the axon is known as the action potential. At the end of the neuron are terminal buttons (root-like structures) forming junctions with other cells.
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Kindly review this answer
"The above diagram depicts the main components of the neuron and also provide details about the functioning of a neuron cell.
From the diagram its clearly evident that each neuron cell comprises of 4 main components, cell body called soma, dendrites, axon and terminal buttons.
The central part of the neuron is the cell body which is called soma. It is surrounded by the dendrites which appears like roots branching out from it. Cell body then connects to a tube like structure called Axon, which emerges out like branches at the end. Each of the branches has a circular round tip which is known as terminal button. The axon is shielded usually with a sheath called Myelin sheath.
Coming to the functioning of the neuron, the dendrites are responsible for receiving messages from other cells and passing it to Soma, action potential which is electrical signal in axon carries the message from the cell body through it, and the mylein sheath helps pacing the neural impulses. Finally the terminal buttons functions by forming the junctions with other cells."