Are famous people treated unfairly by the media?
Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private life? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Original Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
Firstly, it should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about a Pakistani actress wearing western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Concluding, I want to say that line must be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
(Written by Narmeen Habib)
Corrected Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
The first sentence, Different people hold different point of view regarding, is too generic, as majority students use this phrase in their introduction paragraph.
Also, the reason(s) to support your stand and position is little totally unclear. This is supposed to be specific. Do not leave any vague statement like light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults as this will score you lower.
Instead of using “&” to link the ideas, it is much better if you use “and” or any other cohesive devices.
Overall, the introduction should give readers a quick sampling of some features in the following body paragraphs. Avoid unnecessary phrases (see the second bullet) that bring the rest of the essay vaguely repetitive.
Firstly, it It should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly thoroughly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about around a Pakistani actress wearing in western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities (a comma) and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
The topic sentence in this paragraph is too general. It is suggested including the keywords from the prompt.
Nowadays is commonly used in an IELTS writing context. Try to find another expression.
Punctuation like semi-colon is too vague. It is always better if you could change this punctuation with an appropriate cohesive device.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that claim that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Try not to start with there is, as this phrase shows a weak sentence
The use of pronoun in this phrase Your privacy is lack of reference
they are of the opinion is counted as 5 words. Write they argue/ claim. Keep your sentence succinct and to the point
They lacks referencing in the second sentence
The third sentence, I … believes, shows a minor problem with subject-and-verb agreement
No evidence to support your claim is seen from this paragraph.
Concluding, In conclusion, I want to say that line must be is bound to be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable a major trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
Change concluding to In conclusion
Change must be to is bound to be as one of hedging phrases as to reduce the certainty of statement.
You are not allowed to present a new idea: privacy is our psychological need. Simply restate your main ideas. Showing a new one will lower your score.
The conclusion does not simply restate the main ideas of the thesis, but it should draw the implication and significance of the issue. Thus, leaving your personal view, like judgment or prediction, is needed
Words: 319
Overall: 6.5
● Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/ unclear
● Coherence and Cohesion: 6
× arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (lack of good supporting evidence for the argument)
● Lexical Resource: 7
✓ uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
✓ uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
✓ may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
● Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
✓ uses a variety of complex structures (avoid + Ving: avoid invading)
✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences
✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib - IELTS Teacher at English Studio Kampung Inggris
Comments:
The two diagrams depict the ground floor plan of a building house.
Overall, significant changes were made around the stairs. Before, there was storage under the stairs and a hall beside the stair which got dismissed. Besides, the existing internal doors and internal walls were replaced in a different direction.
On the existing floor plan, there were two entrance doors, and at one entrance door, there was storage under the stairs also with a hall beside the stairs. Besides, there were two internal doors along with walls to separate the kitchen as well as the living room.
On the proposed changes plan, firstly the storage under the stairs also the hall got canceled. Secondly, the internal wall, as well as the door in front of the living room, got canceled, and two internal doors with one wall in front of the kitchen were proposed. Thirdly, at the corner of the kitchen, kitchen furniture was included.
The diagram illustrates the ground floor plan changes, which are made from the previous plan. Overall, we can see there are only minor changes which have been made at the staircase, and the internal walls.
Regarding the proposed changes, it is clear that the internal wall in the Living Room has been removed so as to enlarge it., simultaneously, the storage under the stairs has been eliminated. Further, internal doors are relocated towards the entrance, which are now adjacent to each other rather than opposite. After relocation of the doors, the hall has been now occupied by the full flight of stairs. As far as Kitchen is concerned, the size of it is reduced by adding the kitchen furniture parallel to the entire kitchen walls, which might be the dinning area.
TASK 1
These diagrams depict the existing ground floor plan for a house, and the proposed changes made to it's building structure. In the initial floor plan, as you enter the house you immediately walk into a long hall with stairs on it's right side, along with a storage space available under the stairs. At the far end of the hall, there's two doors on both sides, with the kitchen on the left and the living room on the right hand side, behind the stairs.
However, in the second diagram massive changes are made to this floor plan. Now, the hallway is no longer there and instead when you enter the house, you walk right into the living room, with the staircase at the far end corner. Moreover, now the kitchen has a double door entrance, on the left side from the main entrance door and It also includes a separate place for kitchen furniture for more convenience.
TASK 2
In the early years of a child's life, providing a good education is very important to ensure they have a strong grasp on the basics before they are expected to any learn further. Many parents may argue that homeschooling is the right way to educate your children while others would be in favor of children going to schools.
While homeschooling your children would be a highly demanding task, it would ensure that the child is getting individual time and attention. Often, in a big classroom it is difficult for the teacher to pay attention to every student and there is no knowing whether they are focusing in class. Moreover, children might feel more comfortable learning from their own parents and may take more interest and more participation in their learning activities.
However, sending kids to school is more commonly practiced as it is alot more convenient than homeschooling. Homeschooling would be a full time job for a parent and they'd have no choice but to stay at home for the sake of their children. Sending children to schools is a proper way to ensure quality education. For a child's development a well-rounded education is highly important so they learn new skills, get creative, socialise, and do team working, as well as just learning what is in their textbooks.
In my opinion, homeschooling is not the best method of education as children tend to become introverted. Hence, sending children to school is vital in order to develop a confident personality and to have more learning experiences which would help them become their true selves.
The given diagrams depict a plan of a ground floor.
Overall, the most significant changes are supposed to be made between the living room and the kitchen. In the future it is planned to remove hall and storage under stairs. Besides, the stairs zone on the existing floor is obviously smaller than in the proposed one.
Internal doors on the current plan are located on the sides of two internal walls, opposite the entrance door. The renovation implies removing the right internal wall and shifting doors down to the entrance. In addition, in the proposed plan there is no storage under stairs. That way, more space would be left for the stairs zone.
However, future alteration do not affect kitchen and living room. The only thing that is going to be changed is kitchen furniture: the proposed plan shows the presence of furniture unlike existing one. Nevertheless, due to removed right internal wall the kitchen zone becomes more spacious.
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It is often argued that home education is the most proper decision for children’s development, whilst many people consider actually attending school extremely significant. Undoubtedly, both ways of educating children have their own benefits. But personally I believe that going to school is one of the key parts of minors’ socialisation.
On the one hand, children who do not have to regularly attend classes at school have substantially more time for their hobbies. They have possibility to do exactly what they are interested in. Furthermore, home education is also about an individual approach to everyone, so the process of learning becomes more effective, easy and enjoyable for a student. Due to recent research conducted by the University of California, 87% of children who study at home have significant achievements in other spheres of their lives, such as hobbies and various extracurricular activities.
On the other hand, socialisation is a very important part of everyone’s life. School’s major goal is not to simply give some amount of knowledge to pupils but also make them learn how to behave properly in society. Besides, school time gives us unforgettable memories with our peers and ties with them may be really helpful in future. Personally I have been a very secure person before the first grade and only school has been able to teach me how to communicate with people and make friends.
In conclusion, although it seems very convenient to study from home and not having to go somewhere every morning and lose time, I am sure school is an inevitable place that first of all prepares us to real life difficulties and problems.
The two maps display the current floor plan and the one that includes some changes that are suggested to make.
Overall, two main parts namely kitchen and living room are going to remain at their own places but some changes connected with little elements are considered to be implemented.
An existing floor plan has a hall and stairs between kitchen and living room. The two internal doors are located at the top of the map and there are internal walls near them. Besides, a storage is placed under stairs.
The plan that shows us proposed changes has some local differences. Furniture is planned to be added to kitchen. It is suggested to remove one internal wall and the storage under stairs. Besides, the hall is fully removed. The internal doors are going to be placed at the bottom near the entrance door. Stairs are supposed to be expanded in the place where the internal doors, the internal wall, the hall and the storage are now located.
The two maps display the current floor plan and the one that includes some changes that are suggested to make.
Overall, two main parts namely kitchen and living room are going to remain at their own places but some changes connected with little elements are considered to be implemented.
An existing floor plan has a hall and stairs between kitchen and living room. The two internal doors are located at the top of the map and there are internal walls near them. Besides, a storage is placed under stairs.
The plan that shows us proposed changes has some local differences. Furniture is planned to be added to kitchen. It is suggested to remove one internal wall and the storage under stairs. Besides, the hall is fully removed. The internal doors are going to be placed at the bottom near the entrance door. Stairs are supposed to be expanded in the place where the internal doors, the internal wall, the hall and the storage are now located.
The picture illustrates the floor plan of an already existing building and proposed changes for a new building .
Overall , it is expected that the new building will have a larger living room , bigger stair case and a modern kitchen.
In the existing floor plan , the kitchen on the right is separated from the hall by a wall on its right . At the center of the floor is a hall which is separated from the kitchen and the living room by two internal walls lying adjacent to each other . Within the hall is a stair case with a storage beneath and two doors one on each wall , located at the upper ends , which permit entry and exit into the kitchen and the living room .The living room is situated at the left end of the floor.
In the proposed plan , the kitchen will be made more modern by adding furniture into it . Also , the wall separating the kitchen from the hall will be extended to occupy the location of the door ,while the door will be moved to the lower end of the same wall .The hall , will be demolished , the storage under the staircase removed , and the staircase extended .The living room on the other hand will be made larger by pulling down the wall on its right end which separates it from the hall. Also , its door will be removed and move to the south end of the kitchen's internal wall , now lying adjacent to the other door .
The picture illustrates the floor plan of an already existing building and proposed changes for a new building .
Overall , it is expected that the new building will have a larger living room , bigger stair case and a modern kitchen.
In the existing floor plan , the kitchen on the right is separated from the hall by a wall on its right . At the center of the floor is a hall which is separated from the kitchen and the living room by two internal walls lying adjacent to each other . Within the hall is a stair case with a storage beneath and two doors one on each wall , located at the upper ends , which permit entry and exit into the kitchen and the living room .The living room is situated at the left end of the floor.
In the proposed plan , the kitchen will be made more modern by adding furniture into it . Also , the wall separating the kitchen from the hall will be extended to occupy the location of the door ,while the door will be moved to the lower end of the same wall .The hall , will be demolished , the storage under the staircase removed , and the staircase extended .The living room on the other hand will be made larger by pulling down the wall on its right end which separates it from the hall. Also , its door will be removed and move to the south end of the kitchen's internal wall , now lying adjacent to the other door .
The map shows architectural design of a house in its current form and planned changes to its design in the future. It can be seen that in the proposed plan the living room area is increased and the stairs are located right in front of the main entrance.
Currently the house has a main entrance that opens into a hall with stairs located in its right side .On the end of the hall there are two doors one on the right side other on the left side. Door on the right opens into a living room and door on the left opens into a kitchen. kitchen also has a separate entrance from outside and it does not have any furniture currently.
In the modified plan main entrance opens into the living room with stairs in front. On the left of entrance there are two doors which open into kitchen which is now modified to have kitchen furniture along its walls.
There is storage under the stairs currently which is excluded in the new plan.
The two diagrams depict the ground floor of the house before and after the proposed changes.
Overall, prominent changes such as stairs, doors and internal walls made the rooms become more functional and more spacious than before.
On the 1st diagram, there is mainly three spaces where as the kitchen on the left-hand side, hall in the middle and living room beside stairs. They were divided by internal walls and there were two doors attached to walls which were located at the opposite of each other. Furthermore, kitchen can be seen as the widest area in the plan. But both kitchen and living room did not have any furniture added.
On the 2nd diagram, the proposed changes for ground floor were made, where most part of the internal walls were dismissed. And then, the staircase has been moved to the other side of the entrance. Furthermore, not only doors to kitchen were widened but also furniture were added. Although living room remained the same, it seems wider than before. Therefore, after renovation plan, living room can be seen as the most spacious space.
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A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. The provision of sustainable food and medical treatments has led to an increase in life expectancy for many. Thus, the world's population increased.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands to increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollution and various health issues. The increase in humans mainly affects the extinction of animals because the number of people is increasing day by day, so people are destroying the habitat of animals in order to build buildings for living and it is contributing to a loss of biodiversity. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
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Nowadays cultures of different countries are becoming more similar than they used to be.
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