The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)
The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?
This is a two-part question essay. The first one is asking for the cause of overpopulation, the second one is asking for your opinion.
If you want to disagree with the topic question statement, you have to write 3 paragraphs:
Body 1: The cause of overpopulation
Body 2: The effect of overpopulation on human society
Body 3: Over population is not detrimental as, for example, climate change.
If you remove the above Body 2, then the essay’s coherence will be lost. There will be no clear connect between Body 1 and Body 3.
Model Essay
The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.
A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.
To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.
A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.
K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.
Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.
In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.
The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.
The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.
Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).
However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.
Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.
The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.
“From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”
“... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”
Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.
To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.
A simple and concise conclusion. You can end your essay with a 1-sentence conclusion, but 2 is better in this case.
A 269-word essay is enough for Academic Writing Task 2. Going over 300 words means you are unable to concisely express your idea, and that isn’t encouraged in the IELTS exam.
Words: 269.
Task Response: 9
fully addresses all parts of the task
presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas
Coherence and Cohesion: 9
uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention
skilfully manages paragraphing
Lexical Resource: 9
uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9
uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Another sample essay
The problem of ever-growing population has stroked as a global issue encountered by today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of population is the major threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest impact on the environment and the wellbeing of the human beings.
Population growth is reciprocal to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in effectiveness of control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills which are easy to use, but less efficient and that result in increased birth rates and available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase life span.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands for increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to ecosystem.
(Written by Susa Dhakal)
Corrected Essay
The problem of an ever-growing population has stroked raised as a global issue encountered by for today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of the population is the major greatest threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest major impact on the environment and the wellbeing well-being of the human beings.
Avoid overusing passive voice. “An issue for someone” is much natural than “an issue encountered by someone”
Redundant language. If you have used “due to”, then you don’t need to add “the reasons for”.
When being asked “do you agree that it is the GREATEST problem?”, you are required to include a superlative adjective in your answer. So “the major threat” doesn’t work here.
Population growth is reciprocal related to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in the effectiveness of birth control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills, which are easy to use, but less efficient, and that result in increased birth rates. and Furthermore, available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase longer life span spans.
The topic sentence here is not coherent with the main theme of the essay. Since the author has stated in the conclusion that longer life span is a cause of overpopulation, he should include it in the topic sentence of this body paragraph too.
“Reciprocal” means “given, felt, or done in return”. The correct collocation in this case is “to be related to”, not “to be reciprocal to”.
“There are many cases.” Which cases, then? The author are required to provide some examples after using that phrase. I would suggest him delete that sentence completely since his essay is too lengthy.
The last sentence is too lengthy and incohesive. Should have broken it down into two sentences. Not to mention that the author forgot to put a comma after the relative pronoun “which”, which makes it really hard to read.
The author spends most of his Body Paragraph 1 for supporting the argument of “inefficient birth control leads to overpopulation. His other argument about longer life span is nearly overlooked. Poor coherence here.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased increasing population demands demand for increase more housing development, employments, and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery verdant and fertile lands, which turned changes those areas to be industrial areas, that in turn lead leads to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
The author uses each body paragraph to address each topic question. Good thinking.
If the essay question requires you to address if “the problem of X is the most dangerous threat to humanity”, it implies that you should compare the effect of X (overpopulation, in this case) on humanity to that of Y and Z (nuclear war and environmental pollution, for example).
However, the author has not make any comparison. A possible approach is to say that “overpopoulation is the root of other serious issues such as environmental pollution and high unemployment”. The root of other problems is usually the most dangerous one.
“The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities.” But how? The author needs to proof it with evidence.
“In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.” This sentence fails to support the argument in the previous sentence (“An increasing poulation demand for…”) The author could remove it since his essay is pretty lengthy anyway.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to the ecosystem.
This conclusion does not fully address the topic question. The author should have been written that overpopulation is the GREATEST threat, however, he only said that it is a “serious” issue (much weaker).
325 words is too much for an Task 2 essay. If you write less than this, then you will have time to double-check your grammatical mistakes.
(Words: 325)
.
Overall: 6.0
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/
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The term Gay marriage was unknown several decades ago but now the awareness and acceptance are more often. People have started acknowledging their preferences and choices whether it's for the same sex or the opposite. However, this has been the most debatable issue because a prevalent section of society believes that gay marriage should not be publicized whereas there are people who value human feeling than giving importance to any gender stigma. My opinion lies with a latter view.
To begin with, I strongly recommend gay marriage should be legally acknowledged and accepted by the global law system. It's about people and their choices of choosing the partner irrespective of any legal boundary or social pressure. If someone feels attracted towards the same gender, we all should respect the decision and stand next to them. We live in the twenty-first century where the world has come ahead so much and we have the freedom to live our life on our terms. Arrange marriage or love marriage, marrying a boy or girl is an individual choice and their right to select whosoever they want to get married to. Reputed countries like Canada and Australia have given permission to choose partners basis on love not on the basis of gender. They celebrate their pride and are proud of it.
Some who are against the concept of same sex marriage strongly believe that it can set a wrong example and can influence the choices of other humans. Additionally, as per them, if someone is not homosexual but witnessing same-sex marriage can leave a deep scar on their mind. We all know that the human brain is designed to be influenced by others and few are emotionally not stable to understand their choices and preference. The increased number of same-sex marriage can lead to a bigger problem in the long run. Thus, they are against it and want people to their affair secret.
To conclude, I strongly agree that it is a high time for people to give recognition to same-sex marriage and accept it socially. A person who loves someone for their heart not categorically their weight, height, color or gender.
The diagram illustrates how to get an extract of avocado oil. Overall, avocado oil collected from fresh avocado fruit after it has been washed, blended, separated, filtered, and clarified.
Initially, the avocado fruit sort by people and separated between the fresh and rotten fruit. Furthermore, the fresh avocado going to big tub to get washed. Each avocado being destroyed by crusher machine to split seeds, skins, and flesh of fruit. Afterwards, the flesh of avocado goes to blender section to make in pulp form. Hereinafter, pulp of avocado treated by two stages of centrifuge in the 45-50 Celsius degrees. The first process used to separates solid and liquids then separates oil and water in the second stage. The oil of avocado being filtered and clarified to get the quintessence oil of avocado. Then the pure oil poured to the bottles before it would be distributed.
On the other hand, the wastes in process making avocado oil like rotten fruits, seeds, skins, and solid waste send to orchard. The advantageous of the waste is used as organic fertilizer which is good to the plant and environment.
The bar chart illustrates how many males and females attended different evening courses at an adult education center in 2009. The pie chart provides information on the age group of these course partakers
Overall, the bar chart shows that most males participated in painting, while the largest number of women engaged in a language course. While the pie chart depicts that the biggest number of participants were from the age group 50 or over.
The painting course was the most frequented by males, where around 25 of them participated there, in comparison, the language lecture was the main attraction for women, where around 40 of them participated. On the other hand, Sculpture was the least frequented course by females at about 5, while males engaged the least in both sculpture and drama courses, at 10 percent for each.
The biggest number of participants, at 42 percent, was in the age group of 50 or over, while the least frequency rate was amongst those aged 20 or younger.
SAME SEX MARRIAGE HAS ALWAYS DIVIDED THE MASSESS ON THE IDEA OF ITS LEGALIZATION. WHILE SOME PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED ON THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS TO THE SOCIETY, OTHERS BELIEVE IT IS THE RIGHT OF EACH INDIVIDUAL TO CHOOSE WHO THEY WANT TO MARRY REGARDLESS OF GENDER. I SHARE THE SAME OPINION WITH THE LATTER.
TO BEGIN WITH, EVERY PERSON HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHO THEY WANT TO SPEND THEIR LIFE WITH AS A PARTNER REGARDLESS OF SEX BECAUSE IT IS THEIR OWN LIFE TO EXPERIENCE IT. PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO ENGAGE IN GAY MARRIAGE SHOULD BE RESPECTED AND NOT ISOLATED BY OTHERS UST BECAUSE OF SOCIAL NORMS. INSTEAD, THEY SHOULD BE TREATED AS NORMAL PEOPLE LIVING IN HARMONY WITH THE REST OF THE COMMUNITY.
IN ADDITION, THE CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE ON GAY MARRIAGE HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR A LONG TIME. IT HAS DIVIDED PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITIS, OTHERS WERE HURT AND TAX PAYERS' MONEY GONE TO WATED WHILE LAW MAKERS DEBATE WHETHER SAME SEX MARRIAGE SHOULD BE LEGAL. IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON AND SET ASIDE POLITICS, RELIGION AND TRADITIONAL SOCIAL NORMS IN ORDER TO GIVE THESE PEOPLE A CHANCE TO MAKE THEIR MARKS ON LEGAL PAPER.
FINALLY, SAME SEX MARRIAGE IS NOT AN ISSUE OF MORALITY. BUT INSTEAD, JUST LIKE MOST OF OTHER PEOPLE, THEY ARE TWO INDIVIDUALS WHO WANT TO MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP LEGAL, A COUPLE WHO DECIDED TO STAY TOGETHER UNDER ONE ROOF AND BUILD EACH OTHER, BUILD A FAMILY AND CONTRIBUTE TO THE SOCIETY THAT SHOULD SURROUND THEM WITH ACCEPTANCE.
IN CONCLUSION, ALTHOUGH SOME PEOPLE ARE AGAINST THE LEGALIZATION OF GAY MARRIAGE, I DONT SHARE THEIR VIEW. I BELIEVE SAME SEX MARRIAGE SHOULD BE LEGAL FOR THE REASONS THAT EVERY PERSON HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE THEIR LEGAL PARTNER REGARDLESS OF GENDER. FURTHERMORE, AS WE MOVE TO THE FUTURE, WE SHOULD ALSO CLOSE THIS ISSUE THAT DIVIDED US FOR A LONG TIME. LASLTLY, THERE IS NO MORAL ISSUE REGARDING TWO PEOPLE WITH SAME GENDER WHO JUST WANT TO MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP LEGAL.
THE BAR CHART PRESENTS FOUR EVENING COURSES AND THE NUMBER OF MALE AND FEMALE ATTENDING EACH CLASS WHILE THE PIE CHART ON THE OTHER HAND SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF ATTENDEES IN TERMS OF AGE GROUP. THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED IN 2009 IN AN ADULT EDUCATION CENTER.
OVERALL, THE NUMBER OF FEMALE ATTENDING THE NIGHT CLASSESS EXCEED THE NUMBER OF MALE STUDENTS AND MOST OF THE STUDENTS IN TOTAL ARE FIFTY YEARS OLD AND ABOVE.
IN DETAILS, LANGUAGE SUBJECT HAVE THE MOST NUMBER OF ENROLLEES COMPRISING OF FORTY GIRLS AND TWENTY BOYS. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY PAINTING SUBJECT WITH A TOTAL OF FIFTY-FIVE STUDENTS AND THIRTY OF THEM ARE WOMEN. DRAMA CLASS CONSIST TWENTY FEMALE AND TEN MALE STUDENTS WHILE SCULPTURE HAS ONLY FIFTEEN INDIVIDUALS ENROLLED AND ONLY FIVE OF THEM ARE BOYS.
MOVING ON, STUDENTS WHO ARE 50 YEARS OLD AND ABOVE ACCOUNT TO FORTY-TWO PERCENT OF THE TOTAL POPULATION IN THE STUDY. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY TWENTY-SIX PERCENT OF THE 40-49 YEARS OLD AGE GROUP WHICH IS TEN PERCENT HIGHER THAT THAT OF THE BRACKET 30-39 YEARS OLD. ELEVEN PERCENT OF THE STUDENT ARE 20-29 YEARS OLD AND IT IS OVER TWICE AS MUCH AS THE PROPORTION OF STUDENTS UNDER 20 YEARS OF AGE.
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These two charts depict numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education center in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants.
According to the pie chart highest number of persons are age of 50 or over. they contribute 42 percent in the chart. after second highest percentage is 26 that are between 40-49. Sixteen percent of people are 30-39 age. And eleven percent of aged 20-29. Lowest percentage is 5 % they are teenagers.
According to the event chart, vertical bar shows number of people, and the horizontal bar shows four deferent events those are Drama, Painting, Sculpture and Language. forty women are attending Language that is most interested even in women. Attendance of sculpture is less interested event in women that is less than ten. Men are most interested in Painting that is between twenty to thirty. Ten Men are interested in Drama it is the lowest count of Men.
In conclude, Language is most interested event between women, and Painting is most interested between Men in adult education center.
The bar graph illustrates the numbers of men and women participating in four evening courses at an adult education center in 2009. The pie graph shows the age of these course participants.
According to the graphs most course participants we 50 or over 50 years old and the most favored course for females was the language one and for males, it was the painting course.
The bar graph shows that in all courses apart from one there were more female attenders than male ones. In the drama course, there were 10 male participants and twice as many females. In the painting course, the numbers didn’t differ much with 25 men and 30 women attenders. The language course was similar to the drama one with 20 male participants and doubled female ones. The sculpture course was the only one where there were more males than females, It was also the course with the least attenders.
The pie graph shows that the younger the participants the lesser attenders. 42% of the participants were 50 years old or above and only 5% of the courses participants were under 20 years old.
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The bar chart illustrates the statistical number of females and males who take different courses at an adult education centre in 2009. The pie chart displays information about ages distribution of those who attend those courses.
It is clearly understood from the bar chart that such courses are more popular among women rather than men and all courses except of sculpture were most frequently attended by first ones. The data on the pie chart reveals that elder people participate in such activities much more often than those who are younger.
The bar chart shows that the highest number of participants, namely 40 women and 20 men, is involved in language courses. 30 females and 25 males go to painting courses, 30 people follow drama classes at an adult education centre and the least man-tended course is the one of sculpture but at the same time it is the only one with higher number of men than women attending it.
The pie chart tells that 42% of the courses’ participants are older than 50, 26% are from 40 to 49. People aged between 30 and 39 make 16% of the overall figure. Those who are under the age of 29 together make only 16% of the whole percentage.
In today's society, gay marriage is an issue that is still debatable. Many people believe that it's normal to do so. However, there are people who still disagree with the idea. This essay will examine the idea that gay marriage should be legalized along with the supporting reasons.
The first reason why gay marriage should be legal is that it causes no harm to society. Love is free and love doesn't separate genders. Anyone can love anyone whether same-sex or not. Legalizing same-sex marriage there are a lot of positive effects such as making people happier because if gay marriage is legalized we will create a peaceful and friendly environment for society and it doesn't harm anyone.
It also supports the LGBTQ community and can educate younger generations to support and doesn't bully anyone in the future as they get older because it creates the mindset of people to normalize same-sex or gay lovers to not be different from any of us. Not only this by normalizing this law will make the society feel safe and people won't be scared to keep it to themselves and suffer alone or think of negative thoughts such as suicide or why they are different from others. That is why this idea should be legalized as soon as possible.
In today's society, there are still people who disagree with this idea but legalizing this will definitely change the way people used to think negative thoughts and open up to new changes making our community a happy place and building more healthy relationships without discriminating against anyone who is different from them.
The bar chart illustrates how many men and women are pursuing different types of evening courses in the year 2009. The pie chart depicts the figures about the ages of these course participants.
Overall, In the graph, one can easily tell that women are much higher in all the courses as compared to men. The pie chart depicts that most of the people are above 50 years old and a few people are under 20 years old.
Women being the highest participants in all the courses but in the language course One can see Extensive number of women attending the course With 40 women and In contrast, Men half the number when compared to women with just 20 in number. The second most participants in any course are Painting and again, Women are more in number than men, with women being 30 in numbers and only 25 men are attending the painting course. The Drama course has only 10 men in it and women are 20 in number, Just double the amount of the men. However, there is one course where men are more in number than the women and that course is Sculpture with 30 students, Among which 10 are males and only 5 are females.
In the pie chart, Everyone can tell that most of the participants are above the age of 50 or above with over 42% of the overall participants. Next 26% of people are between the age of 40-49 years old with 26% in the group of the participants. 16% of people are of the age group of 30-39 years old and 11% of people are between the age of 20-29 years old. The least amount of participants are under the age of 20.