International student exchange (Corrected essay)
Some teachers think that international student exchange would be beneficial for all teenage school students. Do you think its advantages will outweigh the disadvantages?
WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic.
Some teachers think that international student exchange would be beneficial for all teenage school students.
Do you think its advantages will outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
SAMPLE WRITING TASK 2
There is a common belief that international student exchange programs would bring benefits to all participants. Despite some obvious disadvantages of this projects, I believe that there are outweighed by the advantages.
On the one hand, there are several major drawbacks when teenagers go overseas. Firstly, those exchange programs cost a considerable amount of money, which a handful of students may be inaccessible. For example, students who come from developing countries would find difficult to apply student exchange programs in industrial nations because of the financial burden. Secondly, even with preparation and knowledge about the new environment, adolescents could still experience culture shock, which can affect them in different ways. Another potential drawback is health issues that can occur during the stay in a foreign country.
On the other hand, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages. One reason for this notion is that international visitors would have a shinier resume which is valuable for them in the years to come. By working in foreign organizations, they will gain many practical experience that make their profile more competitive. Another reason is that teenagers would have a chance to experience culture exchange. This broaden their mind, and also helps them make new friends for a lifetime. Additionally, after finishing the program, overseas students tend to obtain more opportunities to find good jobs because they have a strong network of friends.
In conclusion, I would argue that the advantages of international student exchange programs are more significant than the disadvantages.
(Band 6.0)
Corrected Writing Task 2
There is a common belief that international student exchange programs would bring benefits to all participants. Despite some obvious disadvantages of this projectsthose programs’ disadvantages, I believe that there they are outweighed by cannot undermine the advantages.
Avoid using adjectives or adverbs that show high levels of certainty, such as “obvious” or “evidently”.
The word “outweigh” is already used in the topic question. “The disadvantage undermines the advantage” is a good collocation.
On the one hand, there are several major drawbacks when teenagers go overseas. Firstly, those exchange programs cost a considerable amount of money, which a handful of students may be inaccessible the expensiveness of various exchange programs makes them inaccessible to many students. For example, students who come from developing countries would find difficult to apply student exchange programs in industrial nations because of the financial burden difference in living standards between nations. Secondly, even with preparation and knowledge about the new environment, adolescents could still experience culture shock, which can affect them in different ways. Another potential drawback is health issues that can occur during the stay in a foreign country Health issues occur during the stay in a foreign country is another common problem among exchange students.
While joining two sentence clauses into one sentence by using “which” is a good strategy in the Speaking test, it isn’t necessarily effective in writing contexts. Try to change the original complex sentence into a short, simple sentence.
The third sentence in Paragraph 1 is kinda unclear and redundant. The idea of “financial burden” is already expressed in the previous sentence.
“Different ways?” Which ways are you referring here? Try to explain it more to make the paragraph longer and more cohesive.
Try to use the connectives (firstly, secondly, another…) more skillfully. If you keep putting a connective at the start of a sentence, then your writing can be very dull. I advise you to change the structure of the last sentence to make the connective (“another”) appear in the middle of the sentence instead of at the beginning.
On the other hand, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such aforementioned disadvantages. One reason for this notion is that international visitors students would have a shinier attractive resume which is valuable for them in the years to come. By working in foreign organizations, they will gain many practical experience that make their profile more competitive. Another reason is that teenagers would have a chance to experience culture exchange cultural diversity. This broaden broadens their mind, and also helps them make new friends for a lifetime. Additionally, after finishing the program, overseas students tend to obtain more opportunities to find good jobs because they have a strong network of friends wide social circle.
“such “ is an informal word. Use “aforementioned” instead.
“An international visitor” means “a tourist”, not “an international student”.
“Shiny resume” isn’t a collocation, “attractive resume” is.
“Experience” is an uncountable noun, so don’t use “many” here.
You don’t make a “lifetime” friend that easily.
In conclusion, I would argue that the advantages of international student exchange programs are more significant than the disadvantages.
The above conclusion is unconvincing and too short. Either you write one more sentence, or remove the part “would argue that”.
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Words: 252
While it’s okay to write a 252 words essay in a real test, try to write longer when you are at home. You should write approx 270 words, so even after you have trimmed some redundant words, your essay still have more than 250 words.
Overall score: 6.0
Task Achievement: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others.
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive (your conclusion is just a paraphrase of Paragraph 2’s first sentence)
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear (the part “which can affect them in different ways” is clearly an undeveloped sentence clause)
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✗ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout. (the ideas in each paragraph aren’t listed in a coherent way)
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/overuse. (on the one hand, on the other hand; firstly, secondly, another, one reason, another reason, additionally)
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph.
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task (overseas, financial burden, culture shocḳ)
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy (broaden the mind, to experience cultural diversity)
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms.
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
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OTHER SAMPLE WRITING TASK 2
In my opinion, that sounds cool to have a new friend in my classroom especially the foreigner. The exchange students from the other countries confront with the another people and places. There are many differences between host countries and newcomer countries including language, accent, foods, custom, law, culture, and also people ,Yet it would be a good thing for learning these difference from the friends. We could share the story what we do in daily life or a point of view in any topics such the football world cup matches, the president of U.S. speech or the brand new movies release. It is a chance to learn about living adaptation and communication skills, Besides travelling guide experience when you lead your friends to journey the local attraction is significantly exciting.
On the other hand, attending the new people, For some people it is hard situation to compromise with the newcomers. However, time can relieve the distance and harmonise the relationship. The racism is still patent in some countries, It is like the burden to have a connection among the classroom. Therefore, the teacher plays a key role in mediator to prevent the problem if not the unwanted situation may occur.
In conclusion, the exchange student has a lot of advantage in almost cases. The opportunities to interact with the foreigner make a lesson to adapt yourselves and gain life experience along with the new friends. The experience makes you stronger and worldliness. None the less, There are only some case having problem about racism that is the sensitive difficulty.
(Written by ณัช เกษม)
(Band 4.5)
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Below is the corrected essay
In my opinion, that sounds cool to have a new friend in my classroom especially the foreigner. The exchange students from the other countries confront with the another people and places. There are many differences between the host countries local people and the newcomer countries foreigner including language, accent, foods, custom, law, culture, and also people. ,Yet, it would be a good thing for learning to learn these difference from the friends. We could share the story what we do in daily life or a point of view in any topics such the football world cup matches, the president of U.S.’ speech or the brand new movies release release of a brand new movie. It is a chance to learn about living adaptation and communication skills,. Besides, travelling guide experience when you lead your friends to journey the local attraction is significantly exciting having a local friend along when traveling as a foreigner is exciting and reassuring.
Next time, try to separate the introduction from the firsty body paragraph. By missing a clear introduction, you will lower your Task Response grading a lot.
The first sentence is not only informal (“that sounds cool”) but also does not directly answer the topic question. If you write “a new friend in my classroom especially the foreigner”, the reader may think that your essay’s main focus is just “a new classmate” in general, not a “foreign” one.
The second sentence is very unclear. Try to join the first and the second sentence into one only.
While South East Asia languages are topic-prominent (the grammar isn’t important, but the topic behind the sentence is), English is much more rigid in terms of grammatical structure. In case of your third sentence, what you are talking about is not the different between two countries, but that of the people of two countries.
The correct idiom here is not “something for doing”, but rather “something to do/to be done”
Your last sentence sounds ungrammatical and foreign to a English speaker.
There are many punctuation mistakes presented.
On the other hand, attending regarding of the new people appearance of foreigners, For for some people, it is a hard situation when you have to compromise with the newcomers. However, time can relieve the distance and harmonise the relationship with time, the cultural barrier will be reduce. The racism is still patent prevalent in some countries, It it is like the a burden to have a connection be overcomed among in the classroom. Therefore, the teacher plays a key role in mediator to prevent the problem if not the a unwanted situation may occur.
I guess that you often misuse “a/the” since there is no article words in Thai. But that is something you must overcome.
Pay attention to collocations. English native speakers don’t use word pairs like “relieve the distance”. “To harmonise the relationship” is fine, but I am doubt it should be use in this context.
In conclusion, the exchange student has having a foreign exchange student in the classroom brings out a lot of advantage in almost cases. The opportunities to interact with the foreigner make a lesson provide a chance to adapt yourselves and gain life experience, along with the new friends. The experience makes you stronger and worldliness more mature. None the less Nonetheless, There there are only some cases having problem about when racism that is the sensitive difficulty obstacle.
Stay faithful to the topic question. Since the question here is “can all the students, both the foreign and the native ones, reap benefit?”, you must address it in your conclusion.
Using “worldliness” here is very unnatural. First, “worldliness” is a noun, not an adjective, so it cannot go along with “strong”. Second, it is a vague word when being taken out from the context. I suggest you use something like “mature”.
To strengthen your conclusion, don’t put the oppose idea at the end. Instead, put in at the beginning, then affirm your opinion as a contrast.
Words: 258
Overall: 4.5
Task Response: 4
✓ responds to the task only in a minimal way or the answer is tangential; the format may be inappropriate (failing to separate the introduction and the first body paragraph lowers your band score here from 5 to 4)
✓ presents a position but this is unclear (due to the unclear conclusion)
✓ presents some main ideas but these are difficult to identify and may be repetitive, irrelevant or not well supported
Coherence and Cohesion: 5
✓ presents information with some organisation but there may be a lack of overall progression
✗ makes inadequate, inaccurate or over use of cohesive devices (The writer has used some common connectives. Could reach a 6 score next time.)
✓ may be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution
✓ may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate
Lexical Resource: 5
✓ uses a limited range of vocabulary, but this is minimally adequate for the task
✓ may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4
✓ uses only a very limited range of structures with only rare use of subordinate clauses (there is no formal, academic sentence; the essay looks like an informal speech)
✓ some structures are accurate but errors predominate, and punctuation is often faulty (many punctuation faults are presented)
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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
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