Let us do complete analysis of IELTS writing task 2 of a candidate who was preparing for his IELTS exam.
Question:
Being a celebrity, there are benefits as well as problems to be faced in the society. To what extent do you agree with this view?
Candidate’s Response:
Celebrities are role models for socieity. They are responsible for developing the problems and also benefits in the socieity.
To begin with, celebrities are helping to bring benefits to socieity. They are always role model for young people. Moreover, young people watch them and wants to be like them. When they see the success and popularity of their favourite celebrity, they follow him and this fellowship brings benefits to the socieity. For example, Amir Khan is very famous superstar and young people respect him alot. So, whatever he says, people follows that. Recently, he did one show “Satyamev Jayate” and in this show he has shown the problems in the socieity and country. Furthermore, he suggested people to take initiative to bring change in themself and help others and this movement has changed the mindset of young people which has given lots of benefits to the socieity. There is one more example of famous sports star, “Sachin Tendulkar”. He has brought a revolution in the sports. People admire him for his contribution in sports.
On the contrary, celebrities are also responsible for developing problems in the socieity. Being a role model, youngsters follow them without analyzing the good or bad. For example, when a superstar is smoking or takes drugs during any movies scene, then same is followed by young people. Moreover, if a superstar does a negative role then people follow it and it develops lots of problems in socieity. They learn violence, bad habits, and negative attitude. In same manner, when a star is doing promotion of any liquor, then it is beleived that its his choice and young people try to do same to be like him.
Conclusively, activities done by celebrities are responsible for further impacts on the socieity. Although there are more benefits but we can not deny the problems also.
We will now be doing thoroughly analysis of the above IELTS writing task 2 response as below:
Introduction
Strength:
There is an attempt to paraphrase the question statement.
Corrected Erroneous Statement:
Celebrities are role models for people in the society. Even though there are many problems faced by the celebrities, numerous benefits are enjoyed by them.
Question statement is misunderstood and hence paraphrasing is incorrectly done.
Body Para 1
Strength: Sentence connectors (to begin with, furthermore etc.) are used and there’s good use of vocabulary (success, popularity, famous superstar, admire, mindset etc.) Corrected Erroneous Statement:
“To begin with, there are a number of benefits of being a celebrity. They are always considered as role models for young people. Moreover, youngsters watch them on TV with great love and want to be like them. When they see the success and popularity of their favourite celebrity, they follow him and this following brings benefits to the society. For example, Amir Khan is a very famous superstar and young people respect him a lot. So, whatever he says, people follow that. Recently, he did one show “Satyamev Jayate” and in this show, he has shown problems faced by people in the society and within the country. Further to this, when he suggested people to take initiative of bringing a change in themselves and help others, this movement really changed the mindset of young people. There is one more example of a famous sportstar, Sachin Tendulkar, who has brought revolution in the sports world. People admire him for his contribution in sports and follow him in their daily lives.”
Though ideas are written but they deviate from the main topic which is how it is beneficial to be a celebrity.
Body Para 2
Strength:
There’s an attempt to write the ideas
Corrected Erroneous Statement:
“On the contrary, celebrities are also facing several problems in the society. Being a public figure, they are known to everyone and hence some bad people in the society try to harm them in one or the other way. For example, in a singing show, there have been many incidents when the singer was attacked by somebody from the crowd he is addressing to. Secondly, when a famous celebrity does something wrong, such as smoking in public, not following traffic rules and others, media abruptly spreads the message through all social channels that leads to earning bad reputation.”
Ideas are again not directly relevant with the topic.
Conclusion:
Strength:
Conclusive statement is written and sentence connector is used.
Corrected Erroneous Statement:
“socieity” should be “society” Paraphrasing is missing in the conclusion since question was misunderstood.
Expected Band Score: Band 5
On the whole, the candidate has attempted the essay but the ideas are not exactly relevant. Apart from this, there are errors related to grammar and others.
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