The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)
The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?
This is a two-part question essay. The first one is asking for the cause of overpopulation, the second one is asking for your opinion.
If you want to disagree with the topic question statement, you have to write 3 paragraphs:
Body 1: The cause of overpopulation
Body 2: The effect of overpopulation on human society
Body 3: Over population is not detrimental as, for example, climate change.
If you remove the above Body 2, then the essay’s coherence will be lost. There will be no clear connect between Body 1 and Body 3.
Model Essay
The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.
A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.
To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.
A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.
K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.
Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.
In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.
The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.
The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.
Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).
However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.
Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.
The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.
“From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”
“... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”
Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.
To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.
A simple and concise conclusion. You can end your essay with a 1-sentence conclusion, but 2 is better in this case.
A 269-word essay is enough for Academic Writing Task 2. Going over 300 words means you are unable to concisely express your idea, and that isn’t encouraged in the IELTS exam.
Words: 269.
Task Response: 9
fully addresses all parts of the task
presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas
Coherence and Cohesion: 9
uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention
skilfully manages paragraphing
Lexical Resource: 9
uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9
uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Another sample essay
The problem of ever-growing population has stroked as a global issue encountered by today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of population is the major threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest impact on the environment and the wellbeing of the human beings.
Population growth is reciprocal to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in effectiveness of control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills which are easy to use, but less efficient and that result in increased birth rates and available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase life span.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands for increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to ecosystem.
(Written by Susa Dhakal)
Corrected Essay
The problem of an ever-growing population has stroked raised as a global issue encountered by for today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of the population is the major greatest threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest major impact on the environment and the wellbeing well-being of the human beings.
Avoid overusing passive voice. “An issue for someone” is much natural than “an issue encountered by someone”
Redundant language. If you have used “due to”, then you don’t need to add “the reasons for”.
When being asked “do you agree that it is the GREATEST problem?”, you are required to include a superlative adjective in your answer. So “the major threat” doesn’t work here.
Population growth is reciprocal related to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in the effectiveness of birth control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills, which are easy to use, but less efficient, and that result in increased birth rates. and Furthermore, available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase longer life span spans.
The topic sentence here is not coherent with the main theme of the essay. Since the author has stated in the conclusion that longer life span is a cause of overpopulation, he should include it in the topic sentence of this body paragraph too.
“Reciprocal” means “given, felt, or done in return”. The correct collocation in this case is “to be related to”, not “to be reciprocal to”.
“There are many cases.” Which cases, then? The author are required to provide some examples after using that phrase. I would suggest him delete that sentence completely since his essay is too lengthy.
The last sentence is too lengthy and incohesive. Should have broken it down into two sentences. Not to mention that the author forgot to put a comma after the relative pronoun “which”, which makes it really hard to read.
The author spends most of his Body Paragraph 1 for supporting the argument of “inefficient birth control leads to overpopulation. His other argument about longer life span is nearly overlooked. Poor coherence here.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased increasing population demands demand for increase more housing development, employments, and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery verdant and fertile lands, which turned changes those areas to be industrial areas, that in turn lead leads to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
The author uses each body paragraph to address each topic question. Good thinking.
If the essay question requires you to address if “the problem of X is the most dangerous threat to humanity”, it implies that you should compare the effect of X (overpopulation, in this case) on humanity to that of Y and Z (nuclear war and environmental pollution, for example).
However, the author has not make any comparison. A possible approach is to say that “overpopoulation is the root of other serious issues such as environmental pollution and high unemployment”. The root of other problems is usually the most dangerous one.
“The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities.” But how? The author needs to proof it with evidence.
“In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.” This sentence fails to support the argument in the previous sentence (“An increasing poulation demand for…”) The author could remove it since his essay is pretty lengthy anyway.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to the ecosystem.
This conclusion does not fully address the topic question. The author should have been written that overpopulation is the GREATEST threat, however, he only said that it is a “serious” issue (much weaker).
325 words is too much for an Task 2 essay. If you write less than this, then you will have time to double-check your grammatical mistakes.
(Words: 325)
.
Overall: 6.0
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
----------------------------------------------------------
This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/
Bình luận
https://ieltsonlinetests.com/wot/result/writing-practice-test-3-1203012
Across the globe, many people consider music as a mere amusement tool for individuals while other proponents contend that it plays a pivotal role in our society. However, I firmly assert that music has a significant even irreplaceable role in our daily lives since it has a medical soothing effect on our physical and mental health. However, there are some music that could be considered as only a noise, nothing else.
To begin with, many elderly generations tend to consider modern music as full of noise and anxiety since many latest music producers' masterpieces show fast rhythm and raps. Many adults believe that these types of music only can harm the young generation's mind but obtain nothing good from it. For example, the modern music industry releases much music with there are only a few words, not to mention the content of the text, full of sex exposure and seductive words. Our young generation could be led astray with these kinds of music.
By contrast, music could be extremely peaceful and soothing if it is made by real talented musicians, like, Mozart. According to the research conclusion about some of the classic music, Mozart’s masterpieces may trigger the alfa wave in the human brain and facilitate education and mental healthiness. Besides, some music are good additive for sports, like, elating emotions.
In conclusion, does music plays a great role in our lives depends on the essence of the music itself. I firmly believe that good music may provide us with positive feedback and encourage us to think positively and act efficiently.
It could be considered a band 7.0 sample, checked with Chat GPT and Grammarly.
The flowchart depicts the cheese-producing steps. Overall, there are involved a total of 8 steps in order to produce high-quality cheese. It begins with mixing raw milk with bacteria ending up with processed food delivery.
Firstly, it can be seen that the acidification process begins with mixing raw milk and bacteria in a container, facilitated by the addition of enzymes, resulting in the transformation of the liquid into solid curds. Subsequently, the obtained curds were meticulously sliced into small pieces poured into the pot, and heated the curds before they turned into a dried state. Next, the following step is to pour out the liquefied form of curds into a bowl or other container for adding salts.
In the subsequent stage, the liquid form of curds was cooled down and poured into shape making machine in order to mold them into specific cubic shapes. Moving forward, shaped curds were placed inside the shelf for a two-month fermentation process. Finally, collected fermented cheeses are packaged and then will be delivered to the retailer for sale.
It is a band 6.5 sample, tested with Chat GPT.
Many people consider listening music as one of the best alternative to get relieved from stress and anxiety. Music plays a significant role on the society but some people treat music, just as a form of entertainment.
Firstly, music which reveals family relations and patriotism shows a significant impact on the society and the nation whereas music which completely acts as an antagonist (which affect human relations) may have negative impact on the children and the teen age groups across the world. Melody and romantical songs are always considered as better medicines to anyone who is suffering from depression and stress. Moreover, this type of songs surely relaxes us from various mental tensions and it also merely protects us from being attacked by mental problems but some individuals listen music while driving a motor bike on highways which may pose a dangerous threat to them.
On the other hand, music can also be treated as a simple way of entertainment to the public. Nowadays, some young ones are getting attracted to listening songs while driving a car or when performing physical exercises which shall improve their mood. Whereas, few people listen music to be happier and to improve their sleep quality whilst there are also few people who listen music when they feel bored only for entertainment purpose.
To conclude, in my opinion, music surely plays an important role on the society in both good and bad ways. I'd recommend every individual to consider music as a positive development only, such as to repair ones mood and also for the betterment of the society.
The given diagram illustrates the process of cheese making. This process involves various steps to follow in order to make good quality cheese.
Overall, the main source in cheese production is raw milk, which undergoes several steps after solidifying them to form cheese.
Firstly, raw milk is converted to curd by following a couple of steps such as acidification and adding tenzyme to milk. Then curd formed after this step is converted into solid curd cubes by following solidification process. Then, these cubes are cut into small pieces and are then heated and drained. Next, the liquid formed after heating small curd cubes is taken into a bowl.
Secondly, after heating and draining, salt is added to the liquid, which then undergoes shaping. After shaping, it goes through 2 months of fermentation process. As a result, after 2 months, cheese is formed which is then packed and supplied to various shops.
The diagram illustrates about the process involved in making cheese .
The pivotal point of the whole procedure is producing cheese mainly, these process consists of formation of curd, shaping the curd, fermentation and packaging.
The Raw milk which contains Bacteria in it is known as acidification, by adding tenzyme to this raw milk curd starts producing which is known as solidification then slice the curds into Bits subsequently heating and draining is done to remove the excess amount of water. After heating and draining add salt to the residue, after adding salt to the residue shaping machine provides the structure to the curds.
Fermentation is the most important process for making cheese. In the last stage of these process the structured curds is fermented for 2months where the cheese is formed after the period of 2 months of fermentation, the cheese will parcel to the shops.
https://ieltsonlinetests.com/wot/result/writing-practice-test-3-1183382
The visual representation depicts the intricate manufacturing process of cheese, involving a series of nine significant stages. These stages encompass a variety of methods, such as acidification, solidification, shaping, fermentation, and more, ultimately culminating in the production of the final cheese product ready for sale.
The initial step in this process is "acidification," where raw milk is combined with bacteria in a container to produce enzymes. The subsequent stage involves "solidification," during which the enzymes are transformed into curds. These curds are then meticulously cut into smaller pieces and subsequently subjected to heating over a flame. The resultant mixture is then carefully drained using specialized cooking equipment. Following the solidification phase, salt is introduced to the curd pieces to enhance flavor and preservation.
In the subsequent stage, these seasoned pieces undergo a "shaping" process, where specialized instruments are employed to give the cheese its desired form. Finally, the cheese is subjected to a critical phase, "fermentation," lasting approximately two months. During this period, the cheese matures, developing its distinctive flavor and texture. Upon reaching maturity, the cheese is carefully and meticulously packaged, ensuring it is well-protected for distribution to various retail outlets.
In conclusion, the manufacturing of cheese is a meticulous and multistep process involving acidification, solidification, shaping, and fermentation, among other essential stages. Each stage contributes to the development of the unique characteristics of the final cheese product, which is then thoughtfully packaged and sent to market for consumers to enjoy.
Music is a form of art and expression particularly evolves the organizations of voice over time, it contains a variety of various meanings and roles for community and individual. Some people presume, it is just an entertainment of daily life whereas other ones assume, it holds a vital influence in society. These opinions are acceptable to argue that music has its exclusive determination by the position.
To begin with music has a role more than only entertaining is a form of expressions in that occasionally related to cultural, religious, and identifying significance exclusively. Another word, each Independence Day surely sings a special national song which contains a meaningful role to remember the hero services, patriotism, and nationalism. Consequently, what statement emphasizes it more than just music, they comprehend that comprehensively. In addition to, music additionally brings a certain identification in various culture by virtue of the recognizing voice organization has been able to introduce what it is from. All of these are identity that play essential role in society as well as it provides a wide range of importance of divergent.
On the other hand, music brings different meaning of its connoisseur since they become it part of alternative to bush mood of daily life. For instance, some people will feel easier to study if they play music firstly. As a consequence, it provides a positive effect into where the help of music has mood booster system. Besides, music is a set-off of voice phenomenon that can absorb the negative energy in body and mind especially those who are interested to disconnect from stress and abundance of life process. This presumption definitely generates undoubted pleasure thing as much like other instruments TV or reading book.
Having two essences of view respectively makes music establishing its meaning differently towards citizens’ segmentation. The assumption it is part of fun activity and the opposite one regards more than entertaining having more paramount impact. In my opinion, both are dynamic of condition and situation as a result all individual reserve the right for their position.
https://ieltsonlinetests.com/wot/result/writing-practice-test-4-1175531