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Essay Evaluation with model answer

4.0
(2 votes )

13717

01 Dec 2018

 

The question as appeared on cue card is given below. Essay Evaluation is also done for the same.

Schools are spending more time teaching traditional subjects such as history. Some people think they should rather spend more time in teaching skills that can help students find a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Here’s an essay provided by the student.

Worldwide the focus on education changes as an individual grows. Schools impart teaching in more of the general subjects whereas the colleges offer education in specialized subjects. People do differ in their opinion when it comes to teaching more of the general subjects at school level. Some assume that the education should be more skill oriented even at school level. This easy will attempt to present the two side of the coin with relevant reasoning.

The people who are in favour of the schools, dealing with traditional subjects such as history believe that the children are oblivious of their career path at tender ages therefore imparting any specific skill or job oriented knowledge may go in vain. Secondly, the general subjects help a child to become informed citizen to tomorrow, help them adjust and contribute better towards the society. For instance history helps mankind to learn from previous mistakes and build the civilisation further from the preserved knowledge. Civics let us understand adjustment to society etc. these contentions gels well to the approach for teaching more of general subjects in school level.

However, the people who are in favour of schools teaching skills oriented programmes disapprove of the passive learning in the school. They argue in favour of developing common sense or life skills more than general subjects for instance what should be done to prevent fire? What to do in the moment of earthquake? How to give better presentation? How to be happy?etc.

Looking at the above contentions it is appears that a balance approach would be even more worthy to be pursued. Schools must include curriculum related to life skills while compromising on length and breadth of some general subjects.

Let us look at the Essay Evaluation now-

Objective: Band 6.0

  • The author has showcased the supporting points for teaching traditional subjects as well as teaching skills.
  • The word count is 302 i.e. it exceeds the word count of 250-270 words.
  •  introduction; two paragraphs each supporting one viewpoint, and final conclusion are parts of Essay.  

Coherence: Band 4.0

  • Two to three sentences are long and incoherent.  

Incorrect: “The people who are in favour of the schools, dealing with traditional subjects such as history believe that the children are oblivious of their career path at tender ages therefore imparting any specific skill or job oriented knowledge may go in vain.”

Correct: “The people who are in favour of the schools dealing with traditional subjects such as history believe that the children are oblivious of their career path at tender ages.  Therefore, imparting any specific skill or job oriented knowledge may go in vain.”

Incorrect: “Some assume that the education should be more skill oriented even at school level.”

Correct: “Some believe that education should be skill oriented even at school level.”

Incorrect: “Civics let us understand adjustment to society etc. these contentions gels well to the approach for teaching more of general subjects in school level.”

Correct: “Civics helps us to understand how to adjust within the society framework etc. Hence, these contentions gel well with the approach of teaching more general subjects at school level.”

Incorrect: They argue in favour of developing common sense or life skills more than general subjects for instance what should be done to prevent fire? What to do in the moment of earthquake? How to give better presentation? How to be happy? Etc. if more of such things are taught then children of today will become more self reliant citizens of tomorrow.

Correct: They argue in favour of developing common sense or life skills more than general subjects.  For instance, what should be done to prevent fire, steps to be taken during earthquake, how to give better presentation, etc. Therefore, if more of such things are taught, then children of today will become better self reliant citizens of tomorrow.”

Grammar: Band 4.0

Appropriate usage of articles, punctuations, preposition

Incorrect: “Schools impart teaching in more of the general subjects whereas the colleges offer education in specialized subjects.”

Correct: “Schools impart teaching in more of general subjects whereas colleges offer education in specialized subjects.”

Incorrect: “The people who are in favour of the schools, dealing with traditional subjects such as history believe that the children are oblivious of their career path at tender ages therefore imparting any specific skill or job oriented knowledge may go in vain.”

Correct: “The people who are in favour of the schools dealing with traditional subjects such as history believe that the children are oblivious of their career path at tender ages.  Therefore, imparting any specific skill or job oriented knowledge may go in vain.”

Incorrect: “Secondly, the general subjects help a child to become informed citizen to tomorrow, help them adjust and contribute better towards the society.”

Correct: “Secondly, the general subjects help a child to become informed citizen of tomorrow, help them adjust and contribute better towards the society.”

Incorrect: “Civics let us understand adjustment to society etc. these contentions gels well to the approach for teaching more of general subjects in school level.”

Correct: “Civics helps us to understand how to adjust within the society framework etc. Hence, these contentions gel well with the approach of teaching more general subjects at school level.”
Vocabulary: 6.0

  • This essay presents a decent range of vocabulary but still better can be done.

Overall Band : 5

Model answer after the Essay Evaluation-

Schools are spending more time teaching traditional subjects such as history. Some people think they should rather spend more time in teaching skills that can help students find a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

While schools have been emphasizing on conventional curriculum, some factions of the population feel that they should be investing time on building skills that increases the employ-ability of an individual.  This essay will examine both the aspects.

Since time immemorial, the school curriculum has continued to incorporate the flavor of all subjects such as history, science, maths, geography etc.   For instance, everybody needs to read the story of the pre historic man to understand early man’s evolution into the current stage. But, the world history to understand what led to the development of certain beliefs and ideologies. Also, the geography to understand the world map, flora, fauna etc.  Knowledge of all subjects also helps the students decide what subjects or allied profession they would like to pursue during their higher studies.

However, some schools of thought feel that since the final aim of completing education is employment. Also, the curriculum should include imparting skills that can increase and improve employ ability. So, that improves their chances of employ ability in research and development, labs, IT sector etc.

While both schools of thought have their own reasons to quote, it might be better to choose a middle path. Especially, of designing a traditional curriculum with lots of skill based training. all round , the individual is made job ready while the personality development can happen.

 

 

 

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