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Essay Writing Evaluation with model answer for band 8

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21 Aug 2018

 

Here’s a recently asked Essay Writing Question-

Most countries allow 18 year olds to start driving a car.  Some say it is good to allow at this age, while others think that the age to start driving should be at least 25.  Discuss both the views and give your opinion.  

Here’s an answer written by student for it-

Acquiring and assimilating new skills is imperative for everybody as they grow in their life. One such skill is driving a vehicle because it has become indispensable with ever expanding cities and daily commutation has become a compulsion rather than a choice these days. Still, it is a difficult trade off, to prefer one age over the other for driving. This essay will look into the two aspects of behavior at the age of 18 years to arrive at a common ground.

The positive aspect of early learning is that at tender ages the learning is more pronounced. For instance, a child of lower age is comparatively better at learning language than a bit grown up child. At 18, the reflexes are expected to be quicker, so do the inquisitiveness and passion for learning when compared to age of 25 years. Thus imparting a driving training at the age of 18 would yield better results than at 25 after all if a person at the age of 18 can be ascertained as suitable to vote he can also equally start driving.

However, the flip side of starting driving early is that it is more accident prone than at later years. Let us take the case of famous cricketer, Md. Azaruddin, who gifted a costly racing bike to his son on his 18th birthday lead to his son being killed on a speeding binge. It is seen that often the high energy and swift reflexes at tender ages gives the youngster a false confidence. The adolescent is also not able to visualize the probable dangers as a person of grown up age like that old 25 years of age. Thus, learning a driving skill could be dangerous at age 18 when compared to age 25. 

It can be logically concluded following the above contesting arguments that there is certainly a tradeoff between choosing a right age for driving however early age is certainly has an advantage to go with. The government should promulgate strict rules for speeding and rash driving to curtail some of the disadvantages of starting driving at 18.

Essay Writing Evaluation

Objective: Band 4.0

  • The author has showcased the advantages and disadvantages of learning to drive at 18 years instead of throwing light on the advantages of both the ages.
  • The word count is 350 i.e. it exceeds the word count of 250-270 words.
  • The essay has been divided into introduction, two paragraphs on the advantages and disadvantages of the same view, and final conclusion.  
  • Further, the opinion is missing.

Coherence: Band 6.0

  • Two to three sentences are long and incoherent.  

Incorrect: “This essay will look into the two aspects of behavior at the age of 18 years to arrive at a common ground.”

Correct: “This essay will examine ”

Incorrect: “One such skill is driving a vehicle because it has become indispensable with ever expanding cities and daily commutation has become a compulsion rather than a choice these days.”

Correct: “One such skill is driving a vehicle because it has become indispensable with ever expanding city limits.  Moreover, daily commuting has become a compulsion rather than a choice these days.”

In correct: “At 18, the reflexes are expected to be quicker. So,  do the inquisitiveness and passion for learning when compared to age of 25 years. Thus imparting a driving training at the age of 18 would yield better results. Specifically,  than at 25 after all if a person at the age of 18 can be ascertained as suitable to vote. Hence,  he can also equally start driving.”

Correct: “At the age of 18, the reflexes are expected to be quicker, so is the inquisitiveness and passion for learning as compared to the age of 25 years. Hence, learning driving at the age of 18 is expected to yield better results than at 25.  If an 18 year old can be found suitable to vote, he can also be considered apt for picking driving lessons.”

Grammar: Band 4.0

  • Appropriate usage of articles, tense, expression, linking verbs.

Incorrect: “Let us take the case of famous cricketer, Md. Azaruddin, who gifted a costly racing bike to his son on his 18th birthday lead to his son being killed on a speeding binge.”

Incorrect: “Let us take the case of the famous cricketer, Md. Azharuddin, who gifted a costly racing bike to his son on his 18th birthday leading to his son being killed while over speeding.”

 

Vocabulary: 6.0

  • This essay presents a decent range of vocabulary but still better can be done.

Overall Band: 5

A model Answer Writing for it- 

Most countries allow 18 year olds to start driving a car.  Some say it is good to allow at this age. But,  while others think that the age to start driving should be at least 25.  Discuss both the views and give your opinion.  

While some countries allow youngsters to drive at the age of 18, some advocate 25 as the age for it.  This essay will attempt to examine both view points and present an opinion.

Several youngsters begin to learn driving by the time they reach 18 years of age. Especially,  since learning curve is sharp and so are the reflexes.  Given the young age and freedom from other stress and tension, youngsters can completely focus on acquiring the skill.  This can certainly help in avoiding road mishaps . Also, occurs due to rash and negligent driving.  Driving also helps to boost self confidence that helps in overall personality development.  For instance, youngsters multi tasking between studies to attending several courses these days. Also,  need mobility and driving definitely ensures them an independent living.

However, So, in case he/she comes across an episode of road rage or drunken driving etc.  Further, one is able to understand the consequences of rash driving, over speeding. Also, breaking traffic rules and tends to be a law maker rather than a law breaker.  For instance, as per several statistics the episodes of rash, negligent driving and over speeding are dominant. Specifically,  in the below 20 years age category.

I personally feel that age is just a number.  Whether driving lessons start at 18 or 25 years, the rules of the land have to be strict and rigorous

So,  while individuals behind the wheels have to act responsibly in the interest of self and society. So, the government machinery should gear itself up to uphold the laws of the land.

 

 

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