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Essay Writing Evaluation for Band 8 with model answer

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29 Jul 2018

 

here’s one more Essay Writing Evaluation question.The question as appeared on the cue card is

It is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up. Do you agree or disagree.

 Student’s Original Essay before Essay Writing Evaluation

We see the dramatic changes in the service oriented businesses these days. Several coachings in the parental care arena have sprouted up from nowhere and proved to be a successful business model. Parents are both enthusiastic as well as skeptical about its utility. This essay will examine the contesting arguments to arrive at some conclusion.

The foremost reason which goes in favour of these coachings is that the percolation of accrued wisdom and experience about upbringing of children, over to younger generation, is hampered these days as more and more families are becoming nuclear. For example, many high paying jobs and better schools are available in cities only. As a result, many people move to such cities from remote areas to earn their livelihood, while leaving behind their aging parents. As a result the new parents did not get the experience of rearing a child from their elders. This break of flow of experience has compelled the new city dwelling parents to resort to parental coachings. Thus parental coachings are boon for many.

However, many other argue that these institutes provide a rather stereotypical education, a generalized one to all their clients whereas every family has its own idiosyncratic set of beliefs and values. For example the joint families the nannies often engage a child and tell them stories about the values, the family cares most. As such, the child grows up with characteristic behavior which is consistent with the family identity. Thus the parental care coachings are not faourable.

It can be concluded from above discussion that though, nurturing the family characteristics and values are important, but given the compulsions of nuclear family, the role of Parental care coachings cannot be denied. However, these institutes must be regulated by enacting some governing statutory body.

Essay Writing Evaluation and Answer Analysis  

Objective: Band 5.5

  • There are ample ideas showcased in the essay.
  • The word count is 295 i.e. it exceeds the word count of 250-270 words.
  • The essay has been divided into introduction, two paragraphs on both views, and final conclusion.  
  • Further, the opinion is missing.

Coherence: Band 7.0

  • Two to three sentences are long and incoherent.  They can be broken to form simple sentence.

In correct: “The foremost reason which goes in favour of these coachings is that the percolation of accrued wisdom and experience about upbringing of children, over to younger generation, is hampered these days as more and more families are becoming nuclear.”

Correct: “The foremost reason which goes in favor of these coaching’s is the non availability of accrued wisdom and experience regarding upbringing of children to the new age parents.  This is hampered due to emergence of nuclear families.”

Incorrect: “Several coachings in the parental care arena have sprouted up from nowhere and proved to be a successful business model.”

Correct: “Several coaching centres in parental care have mushroomed and proved to be successful business model.”

Grammar: Band 4.0

  • Usage of correct tense.

Incorrect: “As a result the new parents did not get the experience of rearing a child from their elders.”

Correct: “As a result the new parents do not get the experience of rearing a child from their elders.”

  • Usage of correct preposition

Incorrect: “This break of flow of experience has compelled the new city dwelling parents to resort to parental coachings.”

Correct: “This break in flow of experience has compelled the new city dwelling parents to resort to parental coaching.”

  • Appropriate usage of punctuations.

Incorrect: “For example the joint families the nannies often engage a child and tell them stories about the values. So,  the family cares most.”

Correct: “For example. So, in the joint families, the nannies often engage a child and tell them stories about the values the family cares most.”

Incorrect: “As such, the child grows up with characteristic behavior which is consistent with the family identity.”

Correct: “As such the child grows up with characteristic behavior which is consistent with the family identity.”

Vocabulary: 6.0

  • This essay presents a decent range of vocabulary but still better can be done.

Overall Band: 5.5

Sample Essay Writing 

It is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up. Do you agree or disagree.

Recent trends have indicated that young parents are enrolling for parenting courses to help themselves in their kids’ upbringing.  So, This essay will examine both the view points while providing an opinion.

Some sections of the population feel that several new age parents are jumping on this bandwagon of attending parenting classes.Since in the absence of a reliable baby sitter at home they are solely responsible for their kids upbringing.  Since classes should be attended by both the classes. Hence, it results in good bonding and synchronization between the parents who are responsible bringing up their ward. Also,  and goes on to address all areas of child care . So, i.e. pre and post maternity, toddlers, teenagers etc.

However, some strata of the society feel that these courses are a money minting strategy.  They feel that the joint family system not only provides a suitable environment to raise kids. Also, they give platform to young parents to learn the art of bringing up the young ones.  Additionally, the internet is full of literature on child care . Also, several forums are available where the young parents can register. Also, they gain insight from real life experiences of other parents.

Going by the above two view points, a joint family system is the best way to nurture the young ones.  However, nuclear families have to depend on reliable external trainings to ensure they still give their kids the best deal and do not compromise on their upbringing.

Hence, nothing is good or bad. Parents should choose right methods.

 

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