Topic:

 

Some people feel that the government should pay the costs of running universities so that a university education will be free for anyone who wants it.

 

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

 

Original Essay:

 

Nowadays, tuition fees of universities are extremely expensive to be afforded by middle-class parents who wish to send their children to university for education. Hence, some people believe that government should subsidize the universities for the expenses incurred by it, so that universities may offer free education to anyone. I, however, disagree with the view. Being rational, I believe that choosing the view will give birth to certain difficulties such as an increase in taxes, shortage of universities and its resources, and increase in unemployment rate.

 

Firstly, Government expenditures will significantly increase if it starts providing financial grants to universities. This will cause a deficit to the Government’s budget, and to overcome it, the Government will increase taxes which, effectively, will become a direct cost to the general public. Moreover, the Government may also reduce its spending on public development projects which will affect public’s living standard.

 

Secondly, if universities’ education is made available to everyone for free, then everyone, who are eligible, will try to get enroll them with the universities which will eventually lead to scarce of universities and its resources. Presently, universities are not prepared to absorb the impact of a sudden increase in the number of admissions.

 

Last but not the least, making universities’ education available to everyone will escalate the unemployment rate. The number of graduates from universities will considerably increase due to free education. Since, graduates from universities demand jobs specific to their field, such as marketing, finance, management, etc. therefore, this will result in the shortage of manpower for inferior jobs, and surplus of manpower in other field jobs.

 

Education has a great importance in today’s world, and I believe obtaining an education is everyone’s right, but one should struggle to achieve it, instead of relying on the government. Making education free to everyone will create a good impression in the first sight, however, the aftermath of the decision will be dreadful. Thus, I am of the opinion that government should not bear the cost of the education.

(Written by Charles Harris)

 

Corrected Essay:

 

Nowadays, tuition fees of universities University tuition fees are extremely can be much more expensive to be afforded by for middle-class parents who wish to send their children to university for education those wanting to study at higher degree. Hence, some people believe that government should subsidize the universities for the expenses incurred by it, so that universities may offer pay for university for its citizens, so this educational institution  is always  made available for everyone  free education to anyone. I, however, disagree with the view. Being rational, I believe that choosing the view will give birth to certain difficulties such as an However, I disagree with the initiative as this tends to increase in taxes, lead to shortage of universities and its resources, and increase in cause unemployment rate.

 

 

• Nowadays is too generic to use in an IELTS writing context. Try to find another expression.

• afforded by middle-class parents is not the part of the keywords. I think you’d better not to include this one as this may bring the topic little bit sidetrack.

• their children is not appropriate here. Change it.

• A passive form like incurred by it affects the flow of the sentence.

• I strongly suggest merging these two sentences: I, however, disagree with the view. Being rational, I believe, with a subordinating conjunction, or any transitional signal.

• This phrase, the view will give birth, is not appropriate here. Omit it

• Although the author attempts to state his/ her opinion, some errors in sentence structure impede the communication. This needs changing. Please read my suggestion in the last sentence.

 

 

Firstly, Ggovernment’s annual expenditures will significantly increase if it starts providing financial grants to universities. This will cause a budget deficit to the Government’s budget in national income, and therefore to overcome it this deficiency can be alleviated if only, the Government will increase taxes were which, effectively, will become a direct cost to the are levied on general public. Moreover, the Government may also reduce its spending on public development projects which will affect public’s living standard. For example, tertiary education provided by Indonesian government is fully-funded, and therefore this has resulted in a dramatic rise in the number of young people enrolling at university as everybody is free to study. However, the government has raised national taxes on daily products and used the additional revenue to run local universities over the last 5 years.

 

• Pay attention to upper-case letters, as they lower your score if frequently come out in your essay.  

• The second sentence is too way long. You need to break it down into two or three sentences in a row. Remember a short sentence brings clarity.

• The last sentence is little bit off-topic, so I omit and change it into an example, supporting the topic sentence in this paragraph.

• For the body paragraphs, you need to include evidence (examples) to convince your readers why they should agree with your view. A good example is developed from the journalistic questions: What, Why, When, Where, Who and How.

 

 

Secondly, if universities’ education is made available to everyone for offer free study due to government’s funding, then everyone, who are eligible, will try to get enroll them with the universities which will eventually lead to scarce of this will represent huge increase in demand for higher degree while a serious problem of universityies and its resources shortages will soon intensify. Presently, universities are not prepared to absorb the impact of a sudden increase in the number of admissions. This is because student numbers are bound to start to grow towards over decades, while majority areas are facing an educator supply crisis. Not only this, universities will face overcapacity of available places for students.  For the aforementioned reason, I do not support that government should pay for universities.

 

• The topic sentence in the second body paragraph is too lengthy.

• I suggest shortening your sentences as to keep the flow.

• The last argument about the rise in the number of admissions has poor cohesion as it shows circular reasoning.   

 

 

Last but not the least, Finally, making universities’ education available to everyone will escalate the unemployment rate. The number of graduates from universities will considerably increase due to free education. Since, graduates from universities demand jobs specific to their field, such as marketing, finance, and management, etc. therefore, this (STOP HERE) will result in the shortage of manpower shortages for inferior jobs, and while surplus of manpower employee surplus in other field jobs ones.

 

 

• Last but not the least is verbose. Try to use shorter expressions, like finally or lastly.

• Etc is too vague. Do not use it in an IELTS essay.

• The shortage of manpower is counted as 4 words. Simply write manpower shortages.

• To avoid being redundant, you need to change surplus of manpower into employee surplus

• Change field jobs into ones as to avoid repetition

 

 

In conclusion, Education has a great importance in today’s world, and I believe obtaining an education is everyone’s right, but one should struggle to achieve it, instead of relying on the government. Making education free to everyone will create a good an impression in the first sight, however, the aftermath of the decision will be dreadful. Thus, I am of the opinion think that government should not bear the cost of the education.

 

• It is better to put a concluding phrase to show that you want to end the essay.

• You are not allowed to present a new idea in this part. Omit this: Education has a great importance in today’s world

• Good is too commonly used. Find another expression.

• These phrases in the first sight, however, the aftermath of the decision will be dreadful. have nothing to do with the topic. I suggest omitting it.

• am of the opinion is too complicated. Write think is much better.

• Let give you an example how to write a brief conclusion:  

• In conclusion, the idea that government should allocate some funds to university course fees is the most valued, as this helps more students study for free. However, over reliance on this raises serious problems.

 

 

335 Words

 

 

Overall: 5.0

 

●        Task Response: 4

            ✓ responds to the task only in a minimal way or the answer is tangential; the format may be inappropriate

            ✓ presents a position but this is unclear (adding a new idea)

            ✓ presents some main ideas but these are difficult to identify and may be repetitive, irrelevant or not well supported.

 

●        Coherence and Cohesion: 4

            ✓ presents information and ideas but these are not arranged coherently and there is no clear progression in the response

            ✓ uses some basic cohesive devices but these may be inaccurate or repetitive

            ✓ may not write in paragraphs or their use may be confusing

 

●        Lexical Resource: 6

            ✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

            ✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy

            ✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

 

●        Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

            ✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

            ✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication