The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)
The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?
This is a two-part question essay. The first one is asking for the cause of overpopulation, the second one is asking for your opinion.
If you want to disagree with the topic question statement, you have to write 3 paragraphs:
Body 1: The cause of overpopulation
Body 2: The effect of overpopulation on human society
Body 3: Over population is not detrimental as, for example, climate change.
If you remove the above Body 2, then the essay’s coherence will be lost. There will be no clear connect between Body 1 and Body 3.
Model Essay
The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.
A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.
To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.
A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.
K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.
Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.
In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.
The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.
The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.
Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).
However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.
Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.
The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.
“From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”
“... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”
Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.
To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.
A simple and concise conclusion. You can end your essay with a 1-sentence conclusion, but 2 is better in this case.
A 269-word essay is enough for Academic Writing Task 2. Going over 300 words means you are unable to concisely express your idea, and that isn’t encouraged in the IELTS exam.
Words: 269.
Task Response: 9
fully addresses all parts of the task
presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas
Coherence and Cohesion: 9
uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention
skilfully manages paragraphing
Lexical Resource: 9
uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9
uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’
Another sample essay
The problem of ever-growing population has stroked as a global issue encountered by today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of population is the major threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest impact on the environment and the wellbeing of the human beings.
Population growth is reciprocal to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in effectiveness of control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills which are easy to use, but less efficient and that result in increased birth rates and available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase life span.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands for increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to ecosystem.
(Written by Susa Dhakal)
Corrected Essay
The problem of an ever-growing population has stroked raised as a global issue encountered by for today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of the population is the major greatest threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest major impact on the environment and the wellbeing well-being of the human beings.
Avoid overusing passive voice. “An issue for someone” is much natural than “an issue encountered by someone”
Redundant language. If you have used “due to”, then you don’t need to add “the reasons for”.
When being asked “do you agree that it is the GREATEST problem?”, you are required to include a superlative adjective in your answer. So “the major threat” doesn’t work here.
Population growth is reciprocal related to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in the effectiveness of birth control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates. For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills, which are easy to use, but less efficient, and that result in increased birth rates. and Furthermore, available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase longer life span spans.
The topic sentence here is not coherent with the main theme of the essay. Since the author has stated in the conclusion that longer life span is a cause of overpopulation, he should include it in the topic sentence of this body paragraph too.
“Reciprocal” means “given, felt, or done in return”. The correct collocation in this case is “to be related to”, not “to be reciprocal to”.
“There are many cases.” Which cases, then? The author are required to provide some examples after using that phrase. I would suggest him delete that sentence completely since his essay is too lengthy.
The last sentence is too lengthy and incohesive. Should have broken it down into two sentences. Not to mention that the author forgot to put a comma after the relative pronoun “which”, which makes it really hard to read.
The author spends most of his Body Paragraph 1 for supporting the argument of “inefficient birth control leads to overpopulation. His other argument about longer life span is nearly overlooked. Poor coherence here.
In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased increasing population demands demand for increase more housing development, employments, and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery verdant and fertile lands, which turned changes those areas to be industrial areas, that in turn lead leads to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.
The author uses each body paragraph to address each topic question. Good thinking.
If the essay question requires you to address if “the problem of X is the most dangerous threat to humanity”, it implies that you should compare the effect of X (overpopulation, in this case) on humanity to that of Y and Z (nuclear war and environmental pollution, for example).
However, the author has not make any comparison. A possible approach is to say that “overpopoulation is the root of other serious issues such as environmental pollution and high unemployment”. The root of other problems is usually the most dangerous one.
“The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities.” But how? The author needs to proof it with evidence.
“In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.” This sentence fails to support the argument in the previous sentence (“An increasing poulation demand for…”) The author could remove it since his essay is pretty lengthy anyway.
In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to the ecosystem.
This conclusion does not fully address the topic question. The author should have been written that overpopulation is the GREATEST threat, however, he only said that it is a “serious” issue (much weaker).
325 words is too much for an Task 2 essay. If you write less than this, then you will have time to double-check your grammatical mistakes.
(Words: 325)
.
Overall: 6.0
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
----------------------------------------------------------
This essay is corrected by Anh Tran - Let's Write Something Group.
If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/
Bình luận
Some argue that it is better for student to study at home, while others maintain that traditional schooling is still crucial for students. This essay will essay will provide provocative insight into both views.
On the one hand, people in favour of the view that student should go to school are justified because of communication and gaining information. It is evident that school is a place for children to communicate with each others. Traditional school allows students to make friends and study together which are able to help children to gain interpersonal skills that will help them in professional settings such as teamwork and execute order. Another reason is traditional school are able to provide the validity of information. Students will have opportunity to access to comprehensible education through qualified teachers.
On the other hand, considering the effect on convenient, home studying is thought to be the most effective for children. Evidently, studying at home can save a significant amount of money. When studying at home, parents do not need to pay extra money, like gas or school equipment, and these money can be spent more hiring high qualified tutor for their children. More important, student can choose what subject that are suitable for them when studying at home. Some student might be excel at science so that home study can foster that student more about science and maths instead of studying another subject that are not necessary for them.
In conclusion, both views have their own benefits like traditional school can provide student quality knowledge and interpersonal skills, while home schooling can help saving money and allow optional subjects. In my opinion, I would recommend student to choose traditional studying because of qualified teaching methods but the best choice is the choice that children think most suitable for them.
TASK 1
The given map illustrates the existen ground floor plan and furthermore a proposed plan for some building work. The ground floor consist of two main rooms, stairs and so on.
That is clear to see that the proposed plan of ground floor is a little different from the existing one.
The kichen and the living room in existen ground floor is similar to the ones in proposed plan. The living room has no change whereas the kichen has a little change that it adds some kitchen furniture. In addition, there is no change of two entrance doors .
Although the kitchen, the living room and entrance doors, other things have plenty of changes. The hall is removed in the proposed plan map and an internal door on the right as well. The two internal doors are changed position in proposed plan map , existing ground floor plan's ones are on two side, but in proposed plan map, they are just on the left. Moreover, the stairs in existing ground floor plan and ones
in proposed plan has difference in the structure.
TASK 2
In this age, people are caring more and more about the way to teach children. Therefore, a lot of forums and debates are created to discuss about how to teach children. Someone has belief that teaching children at home is best for a child's development whereas others give thought that it is crucial for children to go to school. The following paragraphs discuss whether teaching children at home or making children go to school is better for a child's development and reach a reasonable conclusion.
On the one hand, teaching children at home is good for children's development because children can study with their parents. Therefore, the children can have more knowledge, they also avoid being bullied and develop their family loving as well. In addition, teaching children at home makes children more comfortable thus they study at home where they grew up. Moreover, the parents are who born them, so when they teach their children, they know what their children need to enhance.
On the other hand, making children go to school is good for a child's growth because they are tough by experienced teachers. Hence, children can have the enhencement of knowledge. Besides, they can make plenty of friends, so they feel happier. In addition, they can learn specialized subjects which are extremly important for their future. Furthermore, they also can learn physical education which is so good for children's health. Moreover, when children go
to school mean they take part in the scociety, so they will be more confident in the future.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that making children go to school is better for a child's development. Because the advantages of teaching children at home are children's safe and the improvement of family loving pale into insignfication comparation to the advantages of making children go to school are the confidence, better future and strong health.
Some argue that it is better for student to study at home, while others maintain that traditional schooling is still crucial for students. This essay will essay will provide provocative insight into both views.
On the one hand, people in favour of the view that student should go to school are justified because of communication and gaining information. It is evident that school is a place for children to communicate with each others. Traditional school allows students to make friends and study together which are able to help children to gain interpersonal skills that will help them in professional settings such as teamwork and execute order. Another reason is traditional school are able to provide the validity of information. Students will have opportunity to access to comprehensible education through qualified teachers.
On the other hand, considering the effect on convenient, home studying is thought to be the most effective for children. Evidently, studying at home can save a significant amount of money. When studying at home, parents do not need to pay extra money, like gas or school equipment, and these money can be spent more hiring high qualified tutor for their children. More important, student can choose what subject that are suitable for them when studying at home. Some student might be excel at science so that home study can foster that student more about science and maths instead of studying another subject that are not necessary for them.
In conclusion, both views have their own benefits like traditional school can provide student quality knowledge and interpersonal skills, while home schooling can help saving money and allow optional subjects. In my opinion, I would recommend student to choose traditional studying because of qualified teaching methods but the best choice is the choice that children think most suitable for them.
We also know that we can't live alone during our life. We need family, friends and social relationship for mental life and for our improvement. So children is the same.
The first advantage of letting children go to school is children need to learn many things from many sources. It must be better than only one source from family. The knowledge is not limited so the source to learn is not limited. Learning at family is limited by some familiar sources like parents, brothers, sisters. Children can not change these sources. However, teachers at school are changes by subjects and class level every years.
The second advantage is that beside knowledge, children can learn how to express their emotion and learn how to receive and deal with emotion from outside their family. This is what family can not do better than school with children's friends, teachers and even other people they will meet everyday such as the cleaners, doorkeepers, drivers.
Finally the third advantage is I am talking about conditions for leaning such as toy, books, music and other new and interesting things. These are easily updated time to time and every year. Family can not buy many things and change so many time or change right after children feel boring. Remember that children need some thing new every day. That is childen's curious instinct. Family find difficult to supply diversity tools for children to learn if we compare school and family.
However, everythings has other side. Bad classmates, bad teachers, violences or other bad matters may occur everywhere. Our mission to the children is that we should know how to protect our children on time.
The proposed changes of a house focus on the stairs and the walk flow from the stairs to kitchen and from the stairs to the living room.
First, we take a look at the new design of the stair. The proposed design changes the shape of the stair from the straight to curve shape. Two internal doors and the storage under stairs are replaced by the larger stairs with curve shape. Insteads, the proposed plan opens a new internal door at the entrance door of living room. It means at the the entrance of the house, people can move to kitchen or living room faster than the existing design.
Second, at the proposed plan, in order to prevent cooking smell from kitchen to travel to the rest area of the house, an internal door is the best solution.
Generally, the new design at the proposed plan is more convinent than the existing design. Morever, the new design is also look more beautiful.
The space of the house is a condition that helps the house become more spacious and airy.
Therefore, to create an airy space for the house, we propose some of changes in the design to help the ground floor become livelier.
First, we will move the internal door to new position. We will install a double door on the left behind of entrance door to come to Kitchen.
Second, we remove the right wall and internal door come to Living Room. This will make the living room space is bigger, it is transparent with the kitchen when the door is open and separate when it closed.
Next, The stairs change to new position, new design to a U-shape to save space, giving the living room an expansion more of the space. No current Hall due to the right wall is removed and Store under stair too
It will help the house have a more living space and modern.
Finally, the kitchen space is improved by adding a kitchen cabinets and furniture, making the kitchen save space and convenient.
We hope, with the proposed design modifications, will make the house modern, and spacious. Help the owner's living space be more satisfied.
Thank you.
The given maps illustrate the current floor design of a house and the suggested modifications for the construction.
Overall, the plan witnesses some radical changes with the most noticeable being the floor center. While the disappearance of the internal wall on the right seems to expand the living room space, the kitchen on the left looks narrowed with the additional furniture.
Looking at the existing plan, the entrance door directs to the central hall of the floor, with the stairs located on the right. In the future, the internal wall between the living room and the main hall will be removed, accompanied by the relocation of the stairs.
Regarding the left of the design, although the kitchen at present connects with the hall through an internal door at the back, there will be a double door on the right of the entrance instead of a single one. Furthermore, a part of the kitchen will be specifically used for additional furniture in the future.
Task 1: Pls
Overall, the plan witnesses some radical changes with the most noticeable being the floor center. While the disappearance of the internal wall on the right seems to expand the living room space, the kitchen on the left looks narrowed with the additional furniture.
Looking at the existing plan, the entrance door directs to the central hall of the floor, with the stairs located on the right. In the future, the internal wall between the living room and the main hall will be removed, accompanied by the relocation of the stairs.
Regarding the left of the design, although the kitchen at present connects with the hall through an internal door at the back, there will be a double door on the right of the entrance instead of a single one. Furthermore, a part of the kitchen will be specifically used for additional furniture in the future.
The diagrams below show the existing ground floor plan of a house and a proposed plan for some building work.
The maps illustrate a proposed change for ground floor work of a house.
First of all, there will be kitchen furniture added in the kitchen on the west wing. There is an internal door on the top right side of the kitchen near the west entrance door, and an internal wall the right which separates the kitchen and the hall. The internal door will be changed to double doors and moved to the bottom right side, near the south entrance door.
Secondly, the stairs in the hall will be altered to spiral stairs which is bigger than the previous one. The storage under the stairs will be removed to free up some space needed for the spiral stairs. The internal wall and the internal door separating the hall and the living room on the right side will be removed. As a result, the hall will be no longer there because it is merged with the living room.
Some argue that it is better for student to study at home, while others maintain that traditional schooling is still crucial for students. This essay will essay will provide provocative insight into both views.
On the one hand, people in favour of the view that student should go to school are justified because of communication and gaining information. It is evident that school is a place for children to communicate with each others. Traditional school allows students to make friends and study together which are able to help children to gain interpersonal skills that will help them in professional settings such as teamwork and execute order. Another reason is traditional school are able to provide the validity of information. Students will have opportunity to access to comprehensible education through qualified teachers.
On the other hand, considering the effect on convenient, home studying is thought to be the most effective for children. Evidently, studying at home can save a significant amount of money. When studying at home, parents do not need to pay extra money, like gas or school equipment, and these money can be spent more hiring high qualified tutor for their children. More important, student can choose what subject that are suitable for them when studying at home. Some student might be excel at science so that home study can foster that student more about science and maths instead of studying another subject that are not necessary for them.
In conclusion, both views have their own benefits like traditional school can provide student quality knowledge and interpersonal skills, while home schooling can help saving money and allow optional subjects. In my opinion, I would recommend student to choose traditional studying because of qualified teaching methods but the best choice is the choice that children think most suitable for them.
Thanks for great essay with lots of terrific words and phrases
There are 2 incorrect words:
This essay will provide (not will essay)
Some student might be excellent (adj)