Are famous people treated unfairly by the media?
Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private life? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Original Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
Firstly, it should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about a Pakistani actress wearing western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Concluding, I want to say that line must be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
(Written by Narmeen Habib)
Corrected Essay:
Different people hold different point of view regarding the way media treat famous personalities, specifically in terms of coverage of their private lives. I strongly believe that the media should refrain itself from breaching the privacy of notable personalities & I will provide suitable reasoning to support my stand. To further strengthen my position, light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults.
The first sentence, Different people hold different point of view regarding, is too generic, as majority students use this phrase in their introduction paragraph.
Also, the reason(s) to support your stand and position is little totally unclear. This is supposed to be specific. Do not leave any vague statement like light on the other view point will also be shed along with discussing its faults as this will score you lower.
Instead of using “&” to link the ideas, it is much better if you use “and” or any other cohesive devices.
Overall, the introduction should give readers a quick sampling of some features in the following body paragraphs. Avoid unnecessary phrases (see the second bullet) that bring the rest of the essay vaguely repetitive.
Firstly, it It should be noted that privacy is equally needed by everyone. For me privacy is our right & cannot be compromised in any way. In my opinion, media nowadays fail to draw line between private & social life. It greatly thoroughly confuses the two and the result is obnoxious, unethical, spiced up news. Taking the example of the latest news hype about around a Pakistani actress wearing in western clothes & smoking with an Indian star; the act itself is very personal but media of both countries didn’t fail to fully cover it and make a fuss out of it. It can be easily estimated that 40% of news influx is related to private matters of celebrities (a comma) and this needs to change. They use it to increase their channel rankings & get maximum viewership.
The topic sentence in this paragraph is too general. It is suggested including the keywords from the prompt.
Nowadays is commonly used in an IELTS writing context. Try to find another expression.
Punctuation like semi-colon is too vague. It is always better if you could change this punctuation with an appropriate cohesive device.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes that fame comes for a certain price & that is to sacrifice your privacy. They are comfortable with media breaching privacy of celebrities as they are of the opinion that claim that a celebrity becomes a national asset & is the bearer of national culture. I again, condemn this thought & believes that it is unethical to poke around into private matters of anyone.
Try not to start with there is, as this phrase shows a weak sentence
The use of pronoun in this phrase Your privacy is lack of reference
they are of the opinion is counted as 5 words. Write they argue/ claim. Keep your sentence succinct and to the point
They lacks referencing in the second sentence
The third sentence, I … believes, shows a minor problem with subject-and-verb agreement
No evidence to support your claim is seen from this paragraph.
Concluding, In conclusion, I want to say that line must be is bound to be drawn between a celebrity’s private & social life & media should avoid invading their lives, as privacy is our psychological need. It is not an acceptable a major trend to use such news for increased channel ratings.
Change concluding to In conclusion
Change must be to is bound to be as one of hedging phrases as to reduce the certainty of statement.
You are not allowed to present a new idea: privacy is our psychological need. Simply restate your main ideas. Showing a new one will lower your score.
The conclusion does not simply restate the main ideas of the thesis, but it should draw the implication and significance of the issue. Thus, leaving your personal view, like judgment or prediction, is needed
Words: 319
Overall: 6.5
● Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/ unclear
● Coherence and Cohesion: 6
× arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (lack of good supporting evidence for the argument)
● Lexical Resource: 7
✓ uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
✓ uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
✓ may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
● Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
✓ uses a variety of complex structures (avoid + Ving: avoid invading)
✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences
✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib - IELTS Teacher at English Studio Kampung Inggris
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Across the globe, many people consider music as a mere amusement tool for individuals while other proponents contend that it plays a pivotal role in our society. However, I firmly assert that music has a significant even irreplaceable role in our daily lives since it has a medical soothing effect on our physical and mental health. However, there are some music that could be considered as only a noise, nothing else.
To begin with, many elderly generations tend to consider modern music as full of noise and anxiety since many latest music producers' masterpieces show fast rhythm and raps. Many adults believe that these types of music only can harm the young generation's mind but obtain nothing good from it. For example, the modern music industry releases much music with there are only a few words, not to mention the content of the text, full of sex exposure and seductive words. Our young generation could be led astray with these kinds of music.
By contrast, music could be extremely peaceful and soothing if it is made by real talented musicians, like, Mozart. According to the research conclusion about some of the classic music, Mozart’s masterpieces may trigger the alfa wave in the human brain and facilitate education and mental healthiness. Besides, some music are good additive for sports, like, elating emotions.
In conclusion, does music plays a great role in our lives depends on the essence of the music itself. I firmly believe that good music may provide us with positive feedback and encourage us to think positively and act efficiently.
It could be considered a band 7.0 sample, checked with Chat GPT and Grammarly.
The flowchart depicts the cheese-producing steps. Overall, there are involved a total of 8 steps in order to produce high-quality cheese. It begins with mixing raw milk with bacteria ending up with processed food delivery.
Firstly, it can be seen that the acidification process begins with mixing raw milk and bacteria in a container, facilitated by the addition of enzymes, resulting in the transformation of the liquid into solid curds. Subsequently, the obtained curds were meticulously sliced into small pieces poured into the pot, and heated the curds before they turned into a dried state. Next, the following step is to pour out the liquefied form of curds into a bowl or other container for adding salts.
In the subsequent stage, the liquid form of curds was cooled down and poured into shape making machine in order to mold them into specific cubic shapes. Moving forward, shaped curds were placed inside the shelf for a two-month fermentation process. Finally, collected fermented cheeses are packaged and then will be delivered to the retailer for sale.
It is a band 6.5 sample, tested with Chat GPT.
Many people consider listening music as one of the best alternative to get relieved from stress and anxiety. Music plays a significant role on the society but some people treat music, just as a form of entertainment.
Firstly, music which reveals family relations and patriotism shows a significant impact on the society and the nation whereas music which completely acts as an antagonist (which affect human relations) may have negative impact on the children and the teen age groups across the world. Melody and romantical songs are always considered as better medicines to anyone who is suffering from depression and stress. Moreover, this type of songs surely relaxes us from various mental tensions and it also merely protects us from being attacked by mental problems but some individuals listen music while driving a motor bike on highways which may pose a dangerous threat to them.
On the other hand, music can also be treated as a simple way of entertainment to the public. Nowadays, some young ones are getting attracted to listening songs while driving a car or when performing physical exercises which shall improve their mood. Whereas, few people listen music to be happier and to improve their sleep quality whilst there are also few people who listen music when they feel bored only for entertainment purpose.
To conclude, in my opinion, music surely plays an important role on the society in both good and bad ways. I'd recommend every individual to consider music as a positive development only, such as to repair ones mood and also for the betterment of the society.
The given diagram illustrates the process of cheese making. This process involves various steps to follow in order to make good quality cheese.
Overall, the main source in cheese production is raw milk, which undergoes several steps after solidifying them to form cheese.
Firstly, raw milk is converted to curd by following a couple of steps such as acidification and adding tenzyme to milk. Then curd formed after this step is converted into solid curd cubes by following solidification process. Then, these cubes are cut into small pieces and are then heated and drained. Next, the liquid formed after heating small curd cubes is taken into a bowl.
Secondly, after heating and draining, salt is added to the liquid, which then undergoes shaping. After shaping, it goes through 2 months of fermentation process. As a result, after 2 months, cheese is formed which is then packed and supplied to various shops.
The diagram illustrates about the process involved in making cheese .
The pivotal point of the whole procedure is producing cheese mainly, these process consists of formation of curd, shaping the curd, fermentation and packaging.
The Raw milk which contains Bacteria in it is known as acidification, by adding tenzyme to this raw milk curd starts producing which is known as solidification then slice the curds into Bits subsequently heating and draining is done to remove the excess amount of water. After heating and draining add salt to the residue, after adding salt to the residue shaping machine provides the structure to the curds.
Fermentation is the most important process for making cheese. In the last stage of these process the structured curds is fermented for 2months where the cheese is formed after the period of 2 months of fermentation, the cheese will parcel to the shops.
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The visual representation depicts the intricate manufacturing process of cheese, involving a series of nine significant stages. These stages encompass a variety of methods, such as acidification, solidification, shaping, fermentation, and more, ultimately culminating in the production of the final cheese product ready for sale.
The initial step in this process is "acidification," where raw milk is combined with bacteria in a container to produce enzymes. The subsequent stage involves "solidification," during which the enzymes are transformed into curds. These curds are then meticulously cut into smaller pieces and subsequently subjected to heating over a flame. The resultant mixture is then carefully drained using specialized cooking equipment. Following the solidification phase, salt is introduced to the curd pieces to enhance flavor and preservation.
In the subsequent stage, these seasoned pieces undergo a "shaping" process, where specialized instruments are employed to give the cheese its desired form. Finally, the cheese is subjected to a critical phase, "fermentation," lasting approximately two months. During this period, the cheese matures, developing its distinctive flavor and texture. Upon reaching maturity, the cheese is carefully and meticulously packaged, ensuring it is well-protected for distribution to various retail outlets.
In conclusion, the manufacturing of cheese is a meticulous and multistep process involving acidification, solidification, shaping, and fermentation, among other essential stages. Each stage contributes to the development of the unique characteristics of the final cheese product, which is then thoughtfully packaged and sent to market for consumers to enjoy.
Music is a form of art and expression particularly evolves the organizations of voice over time, it contains a variety of various meanings and roles for community and individual. Some people presume, it is just an entertainment of daily life whereas other ones assume, it holds a vital influence in society. These opinions are acceptable to argue that music has its exclusive determination by the position.
To begin with music has a role more than only entertaining is a form of expressions in that occasionally related to cultural, religious, and identifying significance exclusively. Another word, each Independence Day surely sings a special national song which contains a meaningful role to remember the hero services, patriotism, and nationalism. Consequently, what statement emphasizes it more than just music, they comprehend that comprehensively. In addition to, music additionally brings a certain identification in various culture by virtue of the recognizing voice organization has been able to introduce what it is from. All of these are identity that play essential role in society as well as it provides a wide range of importance of divergent.
On the other hand, music brings different meaning of its connoisseur since they become it part of alternative to bush mood of daily life. For instance, some people will feel easier to study if they play music firstly. As a consequence, it provides a positive effect into where the help of music has mood booster system. Besides, music is a set-off of voice phenomenon that can absorb the negative energy in body and mind especially those who are interested to disconnect from stress and abundance of life process. This presumption definitely generates undoubted pleasure thing as much like other instruments TV or reading book.
Having two essences of view respectively makes music establishing its meaning differently towards citizens’ segmentation. The assumption it is part of fun activity and the opposite one regards more than entertaining having more paramount impact. In my opinion, both are dynamic of condition and situation as a result all individual reserve the right for their position.
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