Let us analyse the IELTS writing task 2 response of a candidate to find out why he was given Band 5 in the mock IELTS exam.
Question:
Being a celebrity can bring benefits and problems at the same time. To what extent do you agree on this statement?
Candidate’s Response:
A famous person or celebrity become popular through media as well as due to people celebrity brings benefits along with problems.
To begin with, there are many benefits of being a celebrity. Firstly, as a celebrity become its own image or dignity. Every one know to famous person. Secondly, every person give regards and respect to the famous person. For example, Amir Khan is famous personality. Most of the people give respect and like his acting, work or physique. Thirdly, famous person have more money, comfort devices and more property. Moreover they can bring what they want.
On the other hand, there are more problems for celebrity. First of all, famous person cannot go anywhere lonely and cannot enjoy freedom with family. Moreover, famous person does not have enough time for their family and persue their hobbies. Furthermore, famous person have to go anywhere with security because of the crowd.
In addition to this, due to popularity media always spread news regarding famous person. Moreover, media create issues regarding personal or families problems.
In conclusion, being a famous film star or sports man take more benefits but, we cannot denied about negative effects.
Now, let us do thorough analysis of this IELTS writing task 2 response as follows:
Introduction: Strength:
The candidate has tried to attempt paraphrasing of question statement but it contains errors and leads to confusion for the reader.
Corrected Errorneous Statement:
“A famous person or celebrity become popular through media as well as due to people celebrity brings benefits along with problems” should be “A famous person or celebrity, who becomes popular through media as well as due to the people who become his crazy fans, enjoys numerous benefits as well as faces a lot of problems in the society”
Body Para 1:
Strength:
Sentence connectors (firstly, second, thirdly etc.) are used, adequate use of vocabulary (regards, respect, famous,comfort, physique etc.) and a lot of ideas are given.
Corrected Errorneous Statement:
“as a celebrity become its own image or dignity” should be “as a celebrity, your gain reputation and have a dignity of your own”, “every one know to famous person” should be “every one knows the famous person”, “every person give regards” should be “every person gives regards”, “Amir Khan is famous personality” should be “Amir Khan is a famous personality”, “famous person have more money” should be “famous person has more money”, “Moreover they” should be “Moreover, they”
Connectors are used excessively, ideas are not fully explained or supported, a lot of errors related to grammar, tense and sentence structures.
Body Para 2:
Strength:
Sentence connectors are used, different problems are given as per the question.
“time for their family and persue their hobbies” should be “time for his family and to persue his hobbies”, “famous person have to go” should be “famous person has to go”
Corrected Errorneous Statement:
Connectors are used excessively, ideas are not fully explained or supported, a lot of errors related to grammar, tense and sentence structures.
Body Para 3:
Strength:
Connectors are used and more ideas are given.
Corrected Errorneous Statement:
“due to popularity media always spread news regarding famous person” should be “due to popularity, media always spreads news about famous persons”, “media create issues regarding personal or families problems” should be “media creates issues regarding personal or family problems”
Connectors are again used excessively, ideas are not fully explained or supported, errors related to subject-verb agreement and punctuation are there, third paragraph can be extended in length.
Conclusion:
Strength:
Conclusion is clear and connectors are used.
Corrected Errorneous Statement:
“sports man take more benefits but, we cannot denied about negative effects” should be “sportsman provides more benefits, but we cannot deny about the negative effects”
Errors related to punctuation, word usage and grammar are there.
Word Length: Firstly, the candidate has written 193 words i.e. less than 250 words and hence the task would be penalized with low band score.
Expected Band Score: Band 5
On the whole, the candidate has tried to answer the question mentioning a lot of reasons and benefits but they are not fully extended and/or supported. There are generally a lot of errors related to grammar, tense and others that lowers the band score. Above all, not meeting the required word lenth of 250 words further penalizes the essay.
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