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THE CHARACTERISTICS WE ARE BORN (Corrected Essay)

THE CHARACTERISTICS WE ARE BORN (Corrected Essay)

5.0
(1 votes)

46,110

04/12/2018

Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life. Which do you consider to be the major influence?

Original Essay:

It is an undeniable fact that some people are god gifted and possess skills which sometime become hard for us to acquire . Even experts have proven that traits which we inherit from our ancestors are more powerful in developing our personality however ,I believe that experience is more powerful in moulding us at different phases of life than the traits which we get from our ancestors .in this essay ,I will discuss the major impact experience put on our outlook.

There are manifold reasons to support my viewpoint.first and foremost,with experience we learn varied aspects of life as a result we get to know how to survive in this complicated world.For instance,when a students go to abroad,they encountered with different situations and have many sweet and bitter experiences ,which teach them a lot of life lessons .They learn how to communicate and adjust with people of diverse culture and tradition in other nation.

Secondly, when we go through any hardship of life then we know about our strengths and weeknesses and become good decision maker. To examplify, a 23 years old blind boy who was rejected for enrollment by IIT and even many times from other institutes ,then he took wise decision and with his intellectual skills he opened his own big firm and become CEO of 25crore firm.

Finally, experience also make us perfect in particular field which sometime seems to us impossible .To cite an example, when we work as a naïve in any sector that time we make lot of mistakes but later on with practical work we become more efficient and perform task frequently which we find very hard in our initial days at workplace .

After analyzing aforesaid viewpoints ,it has been proven experience plays vital role in our lifetime .we become more mature and more understandable with practical things only

(Written by Preet Kaur)

Corrected Essay

It is an undeniable fact that Undoubtedly some people people’s characteristics are god God gifted and possess skills which sometime become hard for us to acquire .Even. Even some experts have proven that traits which we inherit from our ancestors inherited traits are more powerful in developing our personality. however ,. However, I believe that experience is more powerful in moulding us character building at different phases of life than the traits which we get from our ancestors .in . In this essay, I will discuss the major impact of experience for developing our personality. put on our outlook.

  • The first sentence is unclear when the writer only put some people are God gifted, try to mention the specific one such people’s features, another reason is that because we focus on the discussion about characteristics/personality.

  • The phrase It is an undeniable fact that is counted as 6 words. You’d better use Undoubtedly. Succinct and keep to the point.

  • The sentence: “and possess skills which sometime….acquire” I omit as this has nothing to do with the previous one.

  • Some punctuation errors, such as ( Even, however, in)

  • The phrase of traits which we inherit from our ancestors is too long. We can cut it down into only two words (inherited traits)

  • Moulding is inappropriate word in this topic, so it is better to put character building.

  • A strong thesis statement includes the topic of the essay and your claim towards the issue.

  • The phrase “put on our outlook” is omitted as it does not have any contribution to the thesis statement.

There are mManifold reasons to support my viewpoint.first viewpoint will be discussed. and foremost,with, Firstly, with experience (a comma) we learn varied aspects of life as a result. As a result, we get to know how to survive in this complicated world.For instance,. For instance, when a students students go to abroad abroad, they encountered with in different situations and have many sweet and bitter experiences, which teach them a lot of many life lessons (??????).They. They learn how to communicate and adjust with people of diverse culture and tradition in other nations.

  • The words aspects & situations in the second and fourth sentences are too vague. You need to narrow them by giving detailed explanations

  • Some punctuation errors

  • The writer use article “a” in plural noun a students.

  • The given example is not too details. You mention about a lot of life lessons without any detailed examples about life lessons.

  • A lot of can be narrow down to many

  • Abroad is adverb, so no need preposition “students go to abroad”.

  • Encountered with is inappropriate collocation – encountered in

  • Experience is uncountable noun

Secondly, when we go through any hardship of life then, we can know about our strengths and weeknesses weaknesses and will become good great decision maker .To examplify ,. To illustrate, a 23 years old blind boy who was rejected for enrollment by IIT and even many times from other institutes a 23-year blind boy was rejected on enrollment by IIT and other institutions. then He then took wise decision and with his intellectual skills he opened to open his own big firm and become became CEO of 25crore firm.

  • Need to use a comma between dependent clause and independent clause, for example “when we go through any hardship of life, we can know about our strengths and weaknesses and will become great decision maker”.

  • Other errors are also detected in this previous edited sentence, such misspelling “weeknesses” and less meaning vocabulary “good”

  • It is better to use “to illustrate”

  • This sentence “a 23 years old blind boy who was rejected for enrollment by IIT and even many times from other institutes” is called fragment sentence.

  • Inconsistent tenses, such as took - become

Finally, experience also make us perfect in particular field which sometime seems impossible to us impossible .To cite an example, For example, when we work as a naïve?? in any sector that time we make lot of mistakes but later on with practical work, we perform in inefficient time and some mistakes we make. However, by practical work, we become more efficient and perform task frequently which we find very hard in our initial days at workplace.

  • Some punctuation are errors and underdeveloped complex sentences appear in the second sentence.

After analyzing aforesaid viewpoints, In conclusion, it has been proven experience plays vital role in our lifetime.we We become more mature and merely more understandable with practical things only in practical ways.

  • In conclusion as the concluding signal is brief and keeps to the point than the one you state

  • A minor error in the upper-case letter

  • Things is too vague. It is better to use a specific word.

  • The summary point of the main ideas from each paragraph is not fully covered.

Overall: 5.5

  • Task Response : 5

Addresses the task only partially; the format may be inappropriate in places (the author has written more than 250 words and provided some relevant ideas. However, there is one idea paragraph which is well undeveloped)

Presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive (writer position is clear in introductory paragraph, but concluding paragraph did not fully cover all ideas)

Presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear (some paragraphs have unclear explanation and example)

  • Coherence and cohesion : 5

Presents information with some organization but there may be a lack of overall progression

Makes inadequate, inaccurate or over-use of cohesive devices

May be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution

May not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate

  • Lexical Resource : 6

Uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

Makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy : 5

Attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences.

May make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.


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This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib - IELTS Teacher at English Studio Kampung Inggris

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