跳转到主要内容

雅思考官写作指导 - Part 2 例题与范文:人类与动物

3.4
(49 votes)

50944

15 Jun 2018

来看看如何批改一篇7分范文

 

下面是最近在雅思写作Part 2中出现的一篇考试作文题目。我们将对一位考生的7分作文进行评估,并列出另外一份范文供同学们自己研究和参考。

 

作文题目:

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people. Hence, that they should have the same rights as humans. So, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs . Hence, including uses of food and research.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

 

越来越多的人认为动物不应该被人类所利用。因此,他们认为动物应该有和人类一样的权利。然而,另一些人则认为人类必须利用动物的各种功能来满足他们的各种需求,其中就包括用于科学研究和当做人类日常的食物。

讨论这两个看法并给出你的观点。

 

以下为一位考生写的7分作文:

 

Today it is almost impossible to see human environment without animals.

There are enormous fields, where humans are dependent on animals. First and foremost is, the milk industry. Milk is known as the complete food for human being, without which there will be deficiency of vitamins in the body and ultimately immunity of human body will be compromised .But, this is like give and take job. Extraction of milk without taking care of animal’s necessities like food, water, vaccination and residence must not be done.

There are fields like medical research, where the experiments of new medicines are performed on animals prior to trying on human volunteers. Without animal experiments advanced medicines cannot be brought to the market. Hence, which are effective in fighting against deadly illnesses. But it does not mean that researched animal should be left neglected. They must be provided basic necessities. Animals like dogs. So specially sniffer dogs can save life of entire community by detecting bombs and other threats. In hilly areas animals remain best mode of transportation where vehicles cannot get proper access.

However, to nurture leather industries and meat industries, massacring animals is abhorring. As desire to saturate hunger. Also, by slaughtering animals and fulfilling dreams of wearing leather garments at the cost of animals’ life . Also, is not the wise way to emply.

 

今天,几乎不可能看到没有动物的人类环境。

而且在当今许多领域,人类都要依赖于动物。首先也是最重要的就是牛奶产业。牛奶被认为是人类不可缺少的食物之一,没有它,人体就会缺乏维生素,最终人体的免疫力也会受到影响。如果不给这些奶牛提供食物、水、疫苗和住所等必需品,人来就不能提取到牛奶。

还有一些领域,比如医学研究,在对人类志愿者进行试药之前,会先对动物进行新药试验。没有动物实验,先进的药物就不能流通进入市场。因此,这对对抗致命疾病是有效的。但这并不意味着被研究的动物应该被忽视。我们人类必须为他们提供基本生活必需品。最典型的动物-狗,特别的嗅探犬可以通过探测炸弹和其他威胁来拯救整个社区的生命。在丘陵地区,动物仍然是最好的交通工具,因为在那里车辆并不能很好的通行。

然而,有些公司为了发展皮革产业和肉制品产业,大规模地饲养动物。这其实是令人憎恶的,因为这就像渴望去充饥一样。同时,通过屠杀动物,实现以牺牲动物生命为代价来穿上皮衣的梦想,这并不是一个明智之举。

 

1.整体客观分:6.0分

(1)单词数量是足够的:本文共259个单词,介于250-270个的标准之间。

(2)考生的观点文中并未提及。

2.写作的连贯性:7.0分

(1)文中仅有两到三个句子过长且连贯性较差。

3.写作的语法使用:4.0分

(1)过度使用标点符号/不使用标点符号。

例如:

错误1: “There are enormous fields, where humans are dependent on animals”

正解1: “There are enormous fields where humans are dependent on animals.”

错误2:”First and foremost is, the milk industry.”

正解2:”First and foremost is the milk industry.”

错误3: “In hilly areas animals remain best mode of transportation where vehicles cannot get proper access.”

正解3: “In hilly areas, animals remain best mode of transportation where vehicles cannot get proper access.”

(2)适当的使用文章。

错误:“Animals like dogs, especially sniffer dogs can save life of entire community by detecting bombs. Also and other threats.” (文章中丢失了entire前的 an)

正解:“Animals like dogs, especially sniffer dogs, can save life of an entire community by detecting bombs . Also, and other threats.”

(3)避免出现语法错误。

4.写作的词汇量:6.0分

(1)这篇作文拥有相当丰富的词汇量,但仍然具有提升的空间。

 

写作总分:7.0分

 

以下为另外一篇范文:

 

The sentiments in favour of and against animal usage for various human needs have always remained in the forefronts of discussion. This write up will attempt to debate both views, thereby arriving at a conclusion.

From time immemorial, early man has been using animals. Especially employing them to satisfy his basic needs of food, clothing, hunting, transportation etc. While cattle rearing for food and diary needs become the next best things known to man. But, after agriculture, he started domesticating animals such as dog for security, donkeys and bulls. So, as beasts of burden, horses and elephants as transportation vehicles etc. As time progressed, man found several other avenues wherein animals could partner with him for progression. Specifically, of the human race such as research, medicine etc.

However, some sections of the society are against the usage of animals for any need, whatsoever. For instance the PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) activists. They hold nationwide protests to create sentiments in favor of animals. The famous Salman Khan’s black buck case booked the actor for harming endangered species. Similarly, Jallikatu protests banned bull race in Tamil Nadu. Also, with the objective of eliminating or minimizing cruelty on bulls.

I personally feel that animals are very much a part and parcel of the human civilization. Also mankind will be incomplete without their association, support, and contribution. Mankind should be benefited by them. But, however, the right checks and balances should be in place to ensure prevention of their exploitation.

 

赞成或者反对将动物用于满足各种人类需求的观点现今始终停留在讨论的层面。这篇文章将试图对两种观点进行辩论,从而得出我的结论。

自古以来,人类就已经开始利用动物。特别是为了满足他们的衣食、狩猎、交通等基本需要。古时,饲养牲畜以获得食物和其他日常需要已成为当时人类所知的最美好的东西。但是,在进入农业社会之后,人类始驯养动物,例如驯养狗以确保驴和牛等动物的安全。后来,作为驮畜,马和大象则成为了一种交通工具。随着时间的推移,人类发现了动物的一些其他使用途径,在这些途径中,动物也能随着人类一起发展。具体来说,是关于人类在医学方面的研究。

然而,有些社会团体反对使用动物来满足任何需要。例如PETA(善待动物组织)的积极分子。他们在全国范围内举行抗议活动,营造出保护动物的大氛围。著名的萨尔曼汗(Salman Khan)的“黑鹿”(black buck)一案令这位演员因伤害濒危物种而被捕。同样地,在泰米尔纳德邦,Jallikatu的抗议禁止了斗牛,目的是消除或减少对牛的虐待。

我个人认为动物在很大程度上是人类文明的一部分。没有动物的协助、支持和贡献,人类也将会是不完整的。人类从中受益良多。但是,我们应采取适当的制衡措施,防止动物被坏人过分利用而灭绝,从而影响整个生态的发展。

有话要说:

Notifications
您的信息