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Working from home (Corrected Essay)

15 Sep 2017

Working from home (Corrected Essay)

Some say that it would be better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of traveling to a workplace every day. Do you think the advantages of working from home outweigh the disadvantages?

 

Office has no longer been the only work place since many people are considering working from home. Some may argue the majority of employees should change their work place from office to home. In my opinion, the benefits of working from home can surely surpass the drawbacks due to the following reasons:


Working from home is a lot more comfortable for lots of people. Employees can save a great deal of time and money since they do not have to travel so often, which means people will have more time for work and for themselves, too. Less travelling will also help reduce traffice jam and pollutants to our environment. Besides, working at home does not mean staying inside all day long, people can choose to work in their garden or backyard, wherever makes them feel convenient to work. Moreover, employees are under less stresses since they get to decide when to work and when to take rest. These things will help giving out better perfomance to tasks.

There are still some disadvantages that home-working could bring. For instance, working from personal space will reduce direct interactions among colleagues. But the problem is solved thanks to the Internet. As for now, people from around the globe can easily contact and work with others from distances. Another drawback is that some people may get distracted from work by external factors. This requires employees to be highly awared of what they should and should not do for their paid jobs.

In conclusion, working from home should be encouraged because the advantages overcome the disadvantages.
(Written by Chloe Đặng)
 
Corrected essay
 

Office has no longer been the only work place since many people are considering working from home. Some may argue the majority of employees should change their work place from office to home. In my opinion, the benefits of working from home can surely surpass offset the drawbacks due to the following reasons: various reasons.

  • The first sentence is not accurate. It implies that people did not work from home in the past; however, throughout history, many people did work from home, for example, the classical novelists and artists.

  • Can surely” is an informal expression and does not contribute anything to the preciseness of your writing.

  • The correct verb to follow the word “benefit” is not “to surpass”, but rather “to offset”, “to outweigh”, or “to exceed”.

  • Do not end your sentence with a colon (“:”), unless you want to provide a list of items immediately after that.


Working from home is a lot more comfortable for lots of people. Employees can save a great deal of time and money since they do not have to travel so often, which means people will have more time for work and for themselves, too. Less travelling will also help reduce traffice traffic jam congestion and pollutants to our environment environmental pollution. Besides, working at home does not mean staying inside all day long, people can choose to work in their garden or backyard, wherever makes them feel convenient to work. Moreover, employees are under less stresses stress since they get to decide when to work and when to take rest with a flexible working schedule. These things will help giving out better perfomance to tasks.

  • Words like “comfortable”, or “convenient” are too generic to use in an IELTS writing context. Generally, it’s better to use other words.

  • Lengthy phrases like “a great deal of time and money” (7 words) are considered as informal and ambiguous. Try to use shorter expressions, for example “time-saving and cost-efficient” (3 words only).

  • In a formal context, “traffic congestion” is more preferrable than “traffic jam”. When being alone, the word “jam” can be understood as a type of food. It’s always better to use a word that only has one meaning, regardless of the context.

  • The third sentence in this body paragraph is an example of poor cohesion. “Traffic jam” is not parallel to “pollutants to our environment”. “Traffic jam” is a condition (abstract), not a physical material (touchable by human) like “pollutants”. Therefore, you need to use another condition that is parallel to “traffic jam” (“environmental pollution”)

  • The fourth sentence (“Besides, working at…”) should be placed in the second body paragraph. The author is tailoring his ideas by providing the advantages of working from home in the first body paragraph, then listing the disadvantages in the second body paragraph while attacking those disadvantages notion at the same time. This kind of idea (“to play the devil’s advocate”) is good, but the execution isn’t. Insufficient coherence like this will hamper your score in Coherence & Cohesion criterion.

  • “Stress” as in “psychological stress” is an uncountable noun.

  • Try to improve the conciseness of your essay by rewritting a sentence clause (S+V) into a noun phrase. For example, “since they get to decide when to work and when to take rest” can be shorten into “with a flexible working schedule”.

  • The last sentence is redundant and ungrammatical.


To be fair, There are still some disadvantages that home-working could bring of teleworking. For instance, working from personal space will reduce direct face-to-face interactions among colleagues. But However, the problem is solved thanks to the Internet. As for now, people from around the globe can easily contact and work with others from distances. Another drawback is that some people may get distracted from work by external factors. This situation requires employees to be highly awared awarded of what they should and should not do for their paid jobs.

  • The accurate way to describe the act of working from home is not “home-working”, but rather “teleworking” or “telecommuting”. The author has miss his chance to improve the Lexical Resource score.

  • Generally, in a writing context, do not start your sentence with a short subordinate conjuction (“and”, “or”, “but”, “for”).

  • The third sentence in this paragraph is very unclear, especially when the followed sentence does not provide a good explanation. The author has to elaborate more on the Internet’s merits (social softwares such as “instant messaging”, “collaborative software”, etc)

  • The author has failed to provide a counter-argument for the notion of “people may get distracted from work by external factors”. Not to mentions he does not elaborate what is the “external factors”. Again, weak cohesion.

  • Do not simply stating “this” as a sentence subject. This type of grammatical mistake is called “unclear antecedent”, or “unclear aphoric noun”, and should be avoid by extending the subject with a word like “condition”, “situation”, “issue”, etc.


In conclusion, working from home should be encouraged because the advantages overcome the disadvantages.

 

  • The conclusion is coherent with the introduction and the two body paragraphs. Though, it is a little bit too short.


(Words: 261)


Overall: 6.0

  • Task Response: 6

✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others (the author has written more than 250 words and addressed the topic question)

✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

  • Coherence and Cohesion: 6

✓ arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression (the ideas in each paragraphs are coherent with eachother)

✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately (the author usually fails at providing good supporting evidence for his argument)

✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (the fourth sentence in Body Paragraph 1 should be placed in Body 2 instead)

  • Lexical Resource: 5

✓ uses a limited range of vocabulary, but this is minimally adequate for the task (all the vocab used in this essay are very generic)
✓ may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader

  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication



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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran -  Let's Write Something Group.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

If you want to correct your Wring Task 2 essay, let's view our free service at this link: http://ieltsonlinetests.com/ielts-tips-and-lessons/free-ielts-writing-correction-service 

Every week we will randomly choose 1-2 complete essays from the group members and correct them. So make sure to finish it in time, perhaps you will be the next lucky one!

 

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