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Water pollution (Corrected Essay)

08 Sep 2017

Water pollution (Corrected Essay)

Pollution of rivers, lakes and seas is a major concern for people who seek to protect the environment. Pollution of rivers, lakes and seas is a major concern for people who seek to protect the environment. What are the possible causes of water pollution, and what effects does this have on animal life and human society?

Topic: Pollution of rivers, lakes and seas is a major concern for people who seek to protect the environment.

 

What are the possible causes of water pollution, and what effects does this have on animal life and human society?


Sample answer:

An essential element of the ecosystem is water. Water pollution occurs when harmful chemicals or microorganisms are released into water bodies, which results in the degradation of animal and human’s life quality.


The most common cause of water pollution is the direct disposal of industrial and human waste into the surface water. Another reason worth mentioning is the oil spill.Since the dawn of industrialization, numerous factories have been discharging toxic chemical compounds such as metallic sulfides or cyanides. When being introduced into lakes, rivers, and seas, these toxic wastes poison freshwater or saltwater animals and plants, subsequently destroy the ecosystem. Even when the industrial waste is buried in the ground, they can still permeate the soil to pollute the underground water, thus begin the process again.


Another cause of water pollution is human waste. Various kinds of pathogenic bacteria live in human feces, and they may cause gastrointestinal infection if they appear in the water supply. Oil spills are also the reason for sea pollution. Most of the marine animals cannot digest oil, or cleanse the spilling oil on their feathers. Therefore, they will die soon unless there are human interventions. The spill also adversely affect seawater, which damages the tourist industry of coastal regions.


To summarize, water pollution is mostly the result of oil spills and industrial or human waste disposal. It severely affects the environment and subsequently the life of animals and human.


(275 words)

 

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Corrected essay


An essential element of the ecosystem is water. Water pollution occurs when harmful chemicals or microorganisms are released into water bodies, which results in the degradation of animal and human’s life quality.

  • An important feature in a cause-effect essay is the lack of the author’s opinion. The causes and the effects of a phenomenon are completely facts - they are not subjected to your perspective. Therefore, completely avoid using “I” or “from my opinion” in this type of essay.

  • The author has successfully written the introduction. He starts the essay with a “hook” sentence (highlighting the relevance of the topic question - water is important, so we must care about water pollution). He also provides an explanation of water pollution, as well as its effects.


The most common cause of water pollution is the direct disposal of industrial into the surface water. Since the dawn of industrialization, numerous factories have been discharging toxic chemical compounds such as metallic sulfides or cyanides. When being introduced into lakes, rivers, and seas, these toxic wastes poison animals and plants, subsequently destroy the ecosystem. Even when the industrial waste is buried in the ground, they can still permeate the soil to pollute the underground water, thus begin the process again.

  • Many grammatical structures are presented in the above paragraph.

  • The author uses the present perfect continous tense to talk about an ongoing trend.

  • The first sentence in this paragraph is a simple sentence. The second and the third are complex sentences. The last is a compound-complex one. Mixing up various sentence types will give you good mark in Grammatical Range & Accuracy.

  • The author has used some connectives: “when”, subsequently”, “even”, “thus”. Using cohesive devices without gaining unwanted attraction will raise your band score in Coherence and Cohesion.


Another cause of water pollution is human waste. Various species of pathogenic bacteria live in human feces, and they will cause gastrointestinal infection if they appear in the water supply. Saltwater fishes may die because of the depletion of oxygen levels in seawater caused by ocean dumping.

  • This body paragraph is kinda underdeveloped. There is only 3 sentences, and the last sentence does not really connect to the idea of “human waste harms the environment”. The author should write more here, since his essay only has 252 words (barely pass the requirement)

  • Still, there are some interesting vocab: pathogenic bacteria, gastrointestinal infection, water supply, the depletion of oxygen levels, ocean dumping.


The oil spill, a disaster happens if crude oil is leaked from a petroleum tanker, is also a reason of sea pollution. Most of the marine animals cannot digest oil, or cleanse the spilling oil on their feathers. Therefore, they will die soon unless there are human interventions. The spill also adversely affect seawater, which damages the tourist industry of coastal regions.

  • Throughout three paragraphs, the author has provided the effect of water pollution on both animal and human life.

  • Words like “petroleum tanker”, “marine animal”, and “human intervention” are advance enough for the IELTS exam. You don’t have to use words that are too rare or archaic.

  • Always try to shorten a clause into a phrasal noun. If the author had written like this: “Therefore, they will die soon unless the government intervenes in oil spills”, then his writing would have been less concise.


To summarize, water pollution is mostly the result of oil spills and industrial or human waste disposal. It severely affects the environment and subsequently the life of animals and human.

  • A short but adequate conclusion. Don’t spend too much time to write the introduction and/or the conclusion.


Words: 252


Overall: 9.0

  • Task Response: 8

✓ sufficiently addresses all parts of the task (the author uses an appropriate writing style for this essay, but he needs to write slightly more).
✓ presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas

  • Coherence and Cohesion: 9

✓ uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention
✓ skilfully manages paragraphing (the author follows the standard format of a 5-paragraphs essay, with ideas are coherently presented)

  • Lexical Resource: 9

✓ uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’

  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9

✓ uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’ (there is no grammatical errors)


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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran -  Let's Write Something Group.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

If you want to correct your Wring Task 2 essay, let's view our free service at this link: http://ieltsonlinetests.com/ielts-tips-and-lessons/free-ielts-writing-correction-service

Every week we will randomly choose 3-4 complete essays from the group members and correct them. So make sure to finish it in time, perhaps you will be the next lucky one!

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