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Tourism is one of the fastest growing industries

28 Dec 2017

Tourism is one of the fastest growing industries

Tourism is one of the fastest growing industries and contributes a great deal to economies around the world. However, the damage tourism can cause to local cultures and the environment is often ignored.

Tourism is one of the fastest growing industries and contributes a great deal to economies around the world. However, the damage tourism can cause to local cultures and the environment is often ignored.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The global economy is increasingly being benefited by the rapidly growing tourism industries, however, the potential impact to the local traditions and the environment seem to be often neglected. This essay agrees that tourism accelerate the destruction to the local traditions and the ecosystem, due to establishment of customer oriented infrastructures and increased level of pollution damaging the environment.

There are an increase number of constructions of buildings and other infrastructures to facilitate the customers in order to satisfy their expectations. These activities shades the local traditions with an increase use of advanced technologies and encourage the adaptation of new culture. For instance, building star hotels in the areas of tourist attraction and making food available as customer choice rather than local cuisine lowers the value of local cultural beliefs.

Furthermore, the environment is being damaged by an increasing number of visitors due to increase demand of food as well as other facilities such as hotels, shops, roads, cars and so on. This leads to more constructive and developmental works, which leads to excessive use of natural resources. As a result, pollution and then destruction to the environment occurs, leading to imbalance ecosystem. For example, water sources such as lakes, rivers in most tourist attractions are greatly polluted and that threatens the water creatures including fish and other amphibians.

In conclusion, in spite of consequences on traditions and environment, the tourism industry is becoming increasingly popular with relatively high economic growth. However, I believe, such practices can only make money but fails to preserve the local cultural value and may lead to extinction of cultures. Hence, the negligence on its substantial impact may further aggravate damage to environment and cultures, and potentially threaten the lives of mankind.

 (Written by mimica)
 

Corrected Essay :

The global economy is increasingly being benefited by the rapidly growing tourism industries, however, but the potential impact to  on the local traditions native cultures and the environment  the natural surroundings seem seems to be often neglected. This essay agrees that tourism accelerate brings the destruction to the local traditions and the ecosystem, due to the establishment of new customer-oriented infrastructures and increased  the increasing  level of pollution damaging the environment.

  • Overall, the intro is good as the writer attempts to paraphrase the question and develops a thesis statement.

  • Some grammatical errors appear. The writer has to find other expressions for local traditions and the environment (not just grasp from the topic question)


There are an increase There is a massive rise in number of constructions of buildings building constructions and other infrastructures to facilitate the customers in order to satisfy their expectations fulfill visitors’ expectations. These activities shades  This development forces  the local traditions with an increase use of to harness more advanced technologies and encourage the adaptation of to adapt new cultures. For instance, building star constructing five-star hotels in the areas of tourist attractions and making international food available as customer choice rather than local cuisine may lower the value of local cultural beliefs.

  • The topic sentence is not directly linked with the question as the author writes ‘ to satisfy their expectations’. A hasty generalization is presented here. By satisfying their expectations, it does not mean that it will always damage local cultures.

  • he author has strived to give an example to support his/ her ideas, but it needs to be specific as much as he/ she can. The easiest way to make a clear example is to answer journalistic questions, known as 5W+1H ( what, where, when, who, why, how). Here is my sample of this: To illustrate this, in Denpasar, as a center of tourism in Bali, the Hard Rock Cafe has been expanding in this city since 2000s, with offering Western Pop culture shows every night attracting too much natives’ attention. Traditional performances, such as Kecak Dance have shifted onto music concerts as the main enjoyment.

 

Furthermore, the environment is being damaged by an increasing number the wave of visitors. due to increase demand of food as well as other facilities such as hotels, shops, roads, cars and so on. They have a high-demand for accommodation, food, and transportation. This leads to more constructive and developmental works, which leads to excessive use of natural resources. As a result, pollution and then destruction to the environment occurs raise, leading to imbalance ecosystem. For example, water sources such as lakes, rivers in most tourist attractions are greatly polluted and that threatens the water creatures including fish and other amphibians.

  • From the second paragraph, the author makes some repetitions like over using increase, leads, construction etc. It is better to find other lexical resources.

  • The conjunction ‘due to’ is not suitable here.

  • A common mistake with the use of as well as comes around. It is often used as synonym for and, which is actually not.

  • The expression preceding as well as carries a stronger emphasis than the expression following it. Pay particular attention to such conjunction.

  • It does not make senses when the author mentioned ‘food’ then ‘ hotels, shops, road, etc’

  • This fails to build a strong correlation between the demand for food and the environment. The author needs to clarify this.

  • The presented example is weak because it does not support his/ her previous claim.



In conclusion, in spite of consequences on traditions and environment, the tourism industry is becoming increasingly popular with relatively high economic growth. However, I believe, such practices can only make money but fails to preserve the local cultural value and may lead to extinction of cultures. the advancement of facilities in tourism has been resulting in a massive impact on global economic. However, the modernization in types of pleasure activities and tourist overcrowding have replaced the importance of cultural traditions and natures. Hence, the negligence on its substantial impact may further aggravate damage to environment and cultures, and potentially threaten the lives of mankind.

  • This essay has a conclusion, but the ideas tend to be sidetrack.

  • The author leaves a final impression towards the issue. This is a good point in this paragraph.


 

Words: 287

 

Overall: 6.0

 

Task Response: 5

✓ addresses the task only partially; the format may be inappropriate in places

✓ expresses a position but the development is not always clear and there may be no conclusions drawn (some part of the conclusion is inconsistent with the rest of the essay)

✓ presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed; there may be irrelevant detail (the first example in the second body paragraph is confusing)

 

 

Coherence and Cohesion: 6

✓ arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression

✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical (the author knows how to compose paragraphs, but various aforementioned flaws lead to score lower)

✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately.

 

 

Lexical Resource: 6

✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy (the writer uses very few topic-related words.)

✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication.

 

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms.

✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication.


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This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

Every week we will randomly choose 3-4 complete essays from the group members and correct them. So make sure to finish it in time, perhaps you will be the next lucky one!

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