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The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)

15 Oct 2017

The continued rise in the world’s population (Corrected Essay)

The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

  • This is a two-part question essay. The first one is asking for the cause of overpopulation, the second one is asking for your opinion.

  • If you want to disagree with the topic question statement, you have to write 3 paragraphs:

    • Body 1: The cause of overpopulation

    • Body 2: The effect of overpopulation on human society

    • Body 3: Over population is not detrimental as, for example, climate change.

  • If you remove the above Body 2, then the essay’s coherence will be lost. There will be no clear connect between Body 1 and Body 3.

Model Essay

The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.

  • A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.

  • To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.


A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.

  • K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.

  • Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.

  • In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.


The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.

  • The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.

  • Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.

  • Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).


However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.

  • Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.

  • The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.

    • “From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”

    • “... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”

  • Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.


To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.

  • A simple and concise conclusion. You can end your essay with a 1-sentence conclusion, but 2 is better in this case.

  • A 269-word essay is enough for Academic Writing Task 2. Going over 300 words means you are unable to concisely express your idea, and that isn’t encouraged in the IELTS exam.

 

Words: 269.

 
Overall : 9.0
  • Task Response: 9

    • fully addresses all parts of the task

    • presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas

  • Coherence and Cohesion: 9

    • uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention

    • skilfully manages paragraphing

  • Lexical Resource: 9

    • uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’

  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 9

    • uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’

(Written by Anh Tran)
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Another sample essay

The problem of ever-growing population has stroked as a global issue encountered by today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of population is the major threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest impact on the environment and the wellbeing of the human beings.

Population growth is reciprocal to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in effectiveness of control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates.  For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills which are easy to use, but less efficient and that result in increased birth rates and available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase life span.

In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased population demands for increase housing, employments and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery and fertile lands turned to be industrial areas that in turn lead to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.

In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to ecosystem.

(Written by Susa Dhakal)

Corrected Essay

The problem of an ever-growing population has stroked raised as a global issue encountered by for today’s generation. The main reasons for this rapid growth are mainly due to an ineffective population control measures and advancement in the healthcare system. This essay agrees that the steady rise of the population is the major greatest threat to mankind in this era because of its greatest major impact on the environment and the wellbeing well-being of the human beings.

  • Avoid overusing passive voice. “An issue for someone” is much natural than “an issue encountered by someone

  • Redundant language. If you have used “due to”, then you don’t need to add “the reasons for”.

  • When being asked “do you agree that it is the GREATEST problem?”, you are required to include a superlative adjective in your answer. So “the major threat” doesn’t work here.


Population growth is reciprocal related to the effectiveness of birth control methods like family planning and adequate knowledge on reproductive health. An increase in the effectiveness of birth control measures lowers the birth rates. There are many cases of failure of such measures leading to unwanted pregnancies resulted from improper usage. In addition, newly invented technologies in the healthcare system have increased the life span of human beings resulting in decrease birth rates.  For instance, many women prefer to use temporary birth control measures like birth control pills, which are easy to use, but less efficient, and that result in increased birth rates. and Furthermore, available treatments for many fatal diseases like cancer, myocardial infraction results in increase longer life span spans.

  • The topic sentence here is not coherent with the main theme of the essay. Since the author has stated in the conclusion that longer life span is a cause of overpopulation, he should include it in the topic sentence of this body paragraph too.

  • “Reciprocal” means “given, felt, or done in return”. The correct collocation in this case is “to be related to”, not “to be reciprocal to”.

  • There are many cases.” Which cases, then? The author are required to provide some examples after using that phrase. I would suggest him delete that sentence completely since his essay is too lengthy.

  • The last sentence is too lengthy and incohesive. Should have broken it down into two sentences. Not to mention that the author forgot to put a comma after the relative pronoun “which”, which makes it really hard to read.

  • The author spends most of his Body Paragraph 1 for supporting the argument of “inefficient birth control leads to overpopulation. His other argument about longer life span is nearly overlooked. Poor coherence here.


In recent times, the greatest issue for humankind is the detrimental effect of rapid population growth on the environment and health. The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities. An increased increasing population demands demand for increase more housing development, employments, and productions that resulted in the destruction of greenery verdant and fertile lands, which turned changes those areas to be industrial areas, that in turn lead leads to pollutions and various health issues. In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.

  • The author uses each body paragraph to address each topic question. Good thinking.

  • If the essay question requires you to address if “the problem of X is the most dangerous threat to humanity”, it implies that you should compare the effect of X (overpopulation, in this case) on humanity to that of Y and Z (nuclear war and environmental pollution, for example).

  • However, the author has not make any comparison. A possible approach is to say that “overpopoulation is the root of other serious issues such as environmental pollution and high unemployment”. The root of other problems is usually the most dangerous one.

  • The environment is greatly destroyed by the human activities.” But how? The author needs to proof it with evidence.

  • In particular, air pollution is the most common problems caused by human activities that lead to many respiratory problems of mankind.” This sentence fails to support the argument in the previous sentence (“An increasing poulation demand for…”) The author could remove it since his essay is pretty lengthy anyway.


In conclusion, a rapid population growth is a serious problem resulted from inefficient population control measures and limited knowledge on controlling as well as improvements in healthcare facility leading to a longer life span. The subsequent impacts of this rapid growth on human beings are becoming serious due to irreversible damage to the ecosystem.

  • This conclusion does not fully address the topic question. The author should have been written that overpopulation is the GREATEST threat, however, he only said that it is a “serious” issue (much weaker).

  • 325 words is too much for an Task 2 essay. If you write less than this, then you will have time to double-check your grammatical mistakes.

 

(Words: 325)

.

Overall: 6.0

  • Task Response: 6

addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others

presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

  • Coherence and Cohesion: 7

logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout

uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use

presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

  • Lexical Resource: 6

uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy

makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication



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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran -  Let's Write Something Group.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

If you want to correct your Wring Task 2 essay, let's view our free service at this link: http://ieltsonlinetests.com/ielts-tips-and-lessons/free-ielts-writing-correction-service 

Every week we will randomly choose 1-2 complete essays from the group members and correct them. So make sure to finish it in time, perhaps you will be the next lucky one!

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