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In some countries the number of people living alone are increasing

26 Dec 2017

In some countries the number of people living alone are increasing

In some countries the number of people living alone are increasing. Why is this the cause? Is it a positive or negative development of a society?

 

Response

In recent times,the trend of living in loneliness is increasing day by day.The most probable reason behind this seems to be the pursuit of better and secure lifestyle for which majority of people compromise to live in isolation and even away from their families.However,I believe that this is a negative development as those who are living away from their loved ones are more prone to psychiatric illnesses.

It is common to see that the number of people living in solitude is escalating at an alarming rate with the passage of time.The most likely reason behind this seems to be the current global economic recession which has made life difficult for individuals to compete in a society.As a result,they  might have to find a reliable and sufficient source of income to sustain the demands of their families.For this, they may have to work extra hours and or even have to move away from their loved ones.Hence, it is the desire to attain a secure future of their families that make people live alone in most countries .

As the number of people residing alone is increasing, so is the prevalence of mental ailments among the inhabitants of a community.It is because of the inability to share their joys and sorrows with their family members which make them susceptible to psychiatric illnesses.For instance, a study conducted by Royal college of physician highlighted that there is 10 percent increase in the patients suffering from depression and schizophrenia in a last decade or so.The main root cause found all these cases was that most of them were either separated from their families or were living in solitude.From this, it can be concluded that this development has negative ramifications on the society.

In conclusion, the number of people residing alone is increasing in order to sustain the demands of their families in this era of current economic instability by working extra hours.This is a negative trend since it can have detrimental effects on a society as mental health of the people is declining because of this changing deveoplment.

(Written by rehan saeed)

Corrected Essay :

In recent times, the trend of living in loneliness is increasing day by day  gradually. The most probable reason behind this seems to be the pursuit of a better and secure lifestyle life for which the majority of people compromise to live in isolation and even away from their families. However, I believe that In my view, this is a negative development as those who are living away from their loved ones are more prone to psychiatric illnesses disorder.

 

  • The phrase “day by day” has been changed into gradually as the idea of this sentence shows a distance in over a period of the time

  • The introduction of “lifestyle” in the second sentence takes the message away from the topic. For this reason, this phrase needs changing into “life”

  • No contrasting ideas between the second and third sentences here, so “however” cannot be used here.

  • The appropriate noun for psychiatric is disorder. Instead of saying “psychiatric illness”, you’d better say “psychiatric disorder”

 

 

 

It is common to see that Admittedly, the number of people living in solitude is escalating at an alarming rate with the passage of time. The most likely reason behind this seems to be the main cause of this is the current global economic recession which has made life difficult for individuals to compete in a society. As a result, they  might This results in them having have to find a reliable and sufficient source of income to sustain the demands of their families. For this This triggers them they may have to work extra hours and or even have to move away from their loved ones Hence, it is This is the desire to attain a secure future of their families that make people live alone in most countries .

 

  • “It is common to see that” is counted as 6 words. Use admittedly instead.

  • This phrase: “most likely reason behind this seems to be the,” has been used in the previous paragraph. So other expressions are needed here.

  • To avoid being overused in the cohesive devices, use them when necessary.

 

 

As the number of people residing alone is increasing, so is the prevalence of mental ailments among the inhabitants of a community. It is because of the inability to share their joys and sorrows with their family members which make makes them susceptible to psychiatric illnesses disorder. For instance, a study conducted by Royal college of physician highlighted that there is was a 10 percent increase in the patients suffering from depression and schizophrenia in a last decade or so. The main root cause found all these cases was that most of them were either separated from their families or were living in solitude. From this, it can be concluded that this development has negative ramifications on the society.


  • This paragraph is well developed, as the writer attempts to develop his/her argument with a topic and some supporting sentences. However, the end of the sentence, a short concluding paragraph, interrupts the whole idea as this contains the components of a circular argument known as logical fallacy (being repetitive, as it has been mentioned in the first paragraph)

  • There is a minor problem with the mechanics although this does not impede the communication.

 

 

In conclusion, the number of people residing alone is increasing  the growing number of people residing alone occurs in order to due to  sustaining the demands of their families in this era of caused by current economic instability by requiring working to work longer extra hours. This is a negative trend since it can have can lead to detrimental effects on the mental health within society society as  mental health of the people is declining because of this changing deveoplment  .

  • The writer is likely to use more conjunctions in a sentence. This makes the ideas difficult to understand.

  • Some changes have been made to avoid being repetitive. I suggest keeping your message succinct and to the point.

 

 

 

Words: 348

 

Overall: 7.0

 

 

Task Response: 7

addresses all parts of the task (the author has successfully accomplished the essay although the number of words is over 300 .)

presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalize and/or supporting ideas may lack focus (no brief example to support the topic sentence in the first body paragraph.)

·        

Coherence and Cohesion: 6

arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression

uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

 

Lexical Resource: 7

uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation

may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

 

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

uses a variety of complex structures

has produces frequent error-free sentences

has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors

 


 


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This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

Every week we will randomly choose 3-4 complete essays from the group members and correct them. So make sure to finish it in time, perhaps you will be the next lucky one!

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