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Buying things on the Internet (Corrected essay)

25 Nov 2017

Buying things on the Internet (Corrected essay)

Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more and more popular. Do the advantages of shopping in this way outweigh the disadvantages?

WRITING TASK 2

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic.  

Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more and more popular.
Do the advantages of shopping in this way outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words. 

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Sample essay written by Nguyen Yen

In recent years, there has been a growing trend that people tend to buy things on the Internet. This present both pros and cos, however, in my opinion, its benefits are much more significant than the drawbacks.

On the one hand, shopping online brings consumers some disadvatages. Initially, since people are unable to touch or to see the products they want to buy in reality, it is always hard for them to examine the quality of these products. As a result, they might purchase the items with poor quality. In addition to that, as consumers do not feel happy with the items they had bought online, they tend to abandon these products or don't use them at all. This is definitely a watse of money. Moreover, buyings thing on the Internet often makes people confused since there are a great number of shops on the Internet. To be specific, buyers might see the same products in several shops, but the prices for these items can be very different, ranging from reasonable to prohibitedly expensive price. Consequently, they will not know which products they should purchase.

On the other hand, I am of opinion that shopping online brings people a number of benefits. First, shopping online allows consumers to browse for products and checking prices between these online shops . In this way, people can make a better decision to buy what they like after taking prices, sizes and models into consideration. From my experience, I used to buy an elegant dress at virtual shop, which was cheaper compared to some shops near my houses.

Second, buyings things on the Internet helps people save a great deal of time. That is to say, since people nowadays are often so caught up with work and study, shopping online is a wise choice which doesn't require them to go the the stores . With a click of mouse, they can buy the things they need and the shippers will deliver their products to customers as soon as possible.

Third, since there is a high demand of buying things online, many people can realize their dream of starting up their own business and achieve success in the long rub This can be seen as a positive trend because it creates good job opportunities for people and thereby help people to improve their income and well-being. This also contributes to boosting the economy of a nation in generall.

In conclusion, although buyings things on the Internet exerts some adverse aspects, the advantages can justify these.
 
(Band 6.5)
 
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In recent years, there has been a growing trend that people tend to buy things on the Internet in online shopping. This present both pros and cos cons, however, in my opinion, its benefits are much more significant than the drawbacks.

  • The phrase “buy things on the Internet” is already used in the essay topic. Try to shorten it by using a suitable buzzword, such as “online shopping”

  • Words such as 'people' and 'ideas' have the potential to be vague. So, avoid saying “people tend to” if possible.

  • The second sentence in the introduction has too many commas. Break it into two simple sentences if necessary.


On the one hand, shopping online online shopping brings to the consumers some disadvatages. Initially, since people are unable to touch or to see the products they want to buy in reality, it is always hard for them to examine the quality of these products. As a result, they might purchase the items with poor quality. In addition to that, as the consumers do not feel happy with the items they had bought online, they tend to abandon these products or dont do not use them at all. This is definitely a watse waste of money. Moreover, buyings thing on the Internet often makes people confused since there are a great number of shops on the Internet. To be specific, the buyers might see the same products in several shops, but the prices for these items can be very different, ranging from reasonable to prohibitedly expensive price. Consequently, they will not know which products they should purchase.

  • The second sentence is too wordy, due to the fact that the wordspeople”, “they”, andthemall have been used despite being unnecessary. Since the main focus here is the products, not the people using them, I suggest rewriting the whole sentence into passive voice.

  • Avoid using contraction (“don’t”) in an academic context.

  • The ideas and sentence structures being used here are kinda repetitive. Regarding of online shopping, there are many issues that are worth mentioning (shipment delays, misleading online marketing, annoying advertises, etc)


On the other hand, I am of the opinion that shopping online online shopping brings people a number of benefits. First, shopping online online shopping allows the consumers to browse for products and checking comparing the prices between these online shops. In this way, people can make a better decision to buy what they like after taking prices, sizes and models of the products into consideration. To speak From my experience, I used to buy an elegant dresses at virtual shops, which was cheaper compared to that of some shops near my houses. Second, buyings things on the Internet helps people save a great deal of time. That is to say, since people nowadays are often so caught up with work and study, shopping online online shopping is a wise choice which doesn’t does not require them to go the the stores. With a click of mouse With just a click, they can buy the things they need and the shippers will deliver their products to the customers as soon as possible. Third, since there is a high demand of buying things online, many people can realize their dream of starting up their own business and achieve success in the long rub run. This can be seen as a positive trend because it creates good job opportunities for the people and thereby help people to improve their income and well-being. This also contributes to boosting the economy of a nation in generall.

  • While the second body paragraph is very long (216 words!), its quaility doesn’t appear much better than the first one. Try to write only 70 words, you will definitely see an improvement.

  • Many idioms are introduced in this paragraph: “a great deal of time”, “in the long run”, “to be caught up”, “to take in consideration”, “with just a click”. However, the attempt to use them isn’t really succesful, due to some spelling mistakes.

  • The vocabulary is kinda limitted here. However, there are a variety of connectives (“on the one hand”, , “first”, “in this way”, “thereby”, etc).


In conclusion, although buyings things on the Internet exerts some adverse aspects, the advantages can justify these.

  • Too short and unconvincing. Need to give more emphasis.


Words: 418 words


Overall: 6.5

  • Task Response: 7

✓ addresses all parts of the task (the essay has answer the required question, and write more than 250 words)
✓ presents a clear position throughout the response
✓ presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

  • Coherence and Cohesion: 7

✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

  • Lexical Resource: 6

✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy (the writer uses very few topic-related words. And when they are used, mistakes are presented “shopping online”)
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

  • Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication (lots of the article “the” are missing, so I cannot give a 7 score here)

 

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This essay is corrected by Anh Tran -  Let's Write Something Group.

 

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Other sample essay

 

With the advent of technological advancement, 21st century has witnessed a boom in e-commerce. The number of online shopping websites is increasing exponentially. Shopping online has its upsides and downsides but the positives of this technological blessing far outweighs its negatives.

 

Firstly, online shopping saves one from travel and traffic problems. I live in the outskirts of Karachi and commuting to the city for buying stuff is not an easy task for me. Further, Karachi is an overly-populated city with the worst traffic situation, all this makes it more difficult to travel. This problem is hugely resolved by the e-buying facility. Everything is simply a click away, whether it is groceries, air tickets, clothes or books. Whatever I order is duly received at my doorstep, without my having to embark on long, hectic shopping-trips.

 

Secondly, buying things on the internet provides you with a wide range of options. Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having access to every type of item you can imagine! On the internet there is no physical space limitation, therefore the variety available for a single item is endless. Also, there are countless websites where you can compare product prices, specifications, extra features, deals and a lot more. One such website is Compare.Pk, where you can select an item and compare it with similar items of other brands for specifications and prices. All this not only provides convenience to customers but also exposes them to a very huge market for buying the most appropriate item.

 

In conclusion, it can be unambiguously agreed upon that the advancement in e-buying has resulted in convenience for buyers. One only has to select and order an item and it arrives at his doorstep. Also, the available options for a single commodity are endless, so that a person can compare and buy the best.

 

(Written by Narmeen Habib)

 

 

 

Corrected Essay:

With the advent of technological advancement, 21st century has witnessed a boom in e-commerce the number of online shopping websites is increasing exponentially. Shopping online has its upsides and downsides but the positives of this technological blessing far outweighs its negatives.  The positive impacts on online shopping undermine its negative sides because the advanced technology can save our time and give more options for purchasing.

  • The opening paragraph does not contain a clear thesis statement. It is important to tell what you are going to talk about and where you are positioning on the views.

  • Phrases ‘a boom in e commerce’ and ‘is increasing exponentially’ have similar meaning. It is better to keep it in short, but clear sentence.

 

Firstly, online shopping saves one from travel and traffic problems. Online shopping does not require people to travel. I live in the outskirts of Karachi and commuting to the city for buying stuff is not an easy task for me. Further, Karachi is an overly-populated city with the worst traffic situation, all this makes it more difficult to travel.  As living in Karachi, an over-populated city with its congestion problems, many citizens like me have to overcome difficult situation only for buying stuff in the city centre.  This problem is hugely resolved by the e-buying facility. Everything is simply a click away, whether it is groceries, air tickets, clothes or books. Whatever I order is duly received at my doorstep, without my having to embark on long, hectic shopping-trips.  This platform enables consumers to experience shopping activities in simple ways. Take the biggest e-commerce in the word, eBay which provides wide varieties of products, for example. As a student, I often ordered books, air tickets, and fashion items. Likewise, many housewives in my neighbourhood prefer to purchase groceries through this website. If eBay was never exist before, buyers like us might have to spend longer times taking long trips to get our shopping lists. This example tells about how an effective shopping is advantageous as a time saver.

  • Firstly is ommited as the topic sentence is not too clear enough to represent the main idea.

  • The use of ‘I’ in your example does not cover people’ problems in general, so I have changed ‘I’ into ‘many citizen like me’

  • Everything is simply a click away needs to be elaborated. Please see the changes.

  • You only mention groceries, air tickets, clothes or books without giving explanation. If you want to score higher, it is your task to present your ideas in details. I have made some detailed explanations with this.

 

Secondly, Another benefit is that buying things items on the internet serves unlimited choices provides you with a wide range of options. Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having access to every type of item you can imagine! On the internet there is no physical space limitation, therefore the variety available for a single item is endless. Also, there are countless websites where you can compare product prices, specifications, extra features, and deals and a lot more. One such website is Compare.Pk, where you can select an item and compare it with similar items of other brands for specifications and prices. All this not only provides convenience to customers but also exposes them to a very huge market for buying the most appropriate item.

  • You need to link both main ideas in the first sentence using transitional phrase. But remember, reliance too much on this will score you lower. Use them when necessary.

  • The word things’ is a weak lexical resource. It is better to use some alternative vocabs like stuff, items, daily needs, etc.

  • A wide range of options have been mentioned in the intro, you need to paraphase it. Serves unlimited choices.

  • You do not need to use exclamation mark. Present your sentence in a smooth way.

  • Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having access to every type of item you can imagine!.This sentence also does not make a sense.

  • And a lot more is vague. You’d better omit this phrase.

 

In conclusion, it can be unambiguously agreed upon it is true that the advancement in e-buying has resulted in convenience for buyers. One only has to select and order an item and it arrives at his doorstep. Also, the available options for a single commodity are endless, so that a person can compare and buy the best.

  • You have to summarise your main points and reiterate your opinion. Some ideas presented are sidetrack.

  • Your opinion does not state your opinion clearly.

  • It can be unambiguously agreed upon is counted as 6 words. It is always good to be succinct and keep straight to the point.  

  • Let me give you an example of this: In conclusion, the disadvantages of e-commerce trend are overshadowed by the benefits resulting from modern technology. I am convinced that online shopping is one of great innovations of people doing transaction as it reduces time and provides more options.

 

 

 

Words: 303

 

Overall: 7.0

·        
Task Response: 7

addresses all parts of the task (the author wrote 303 words)

presents a clear position throughout the response (the way you present your idea in the intro is too generic)

presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

 

·        
Coherence and Cohesion: 6

arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression

uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

 uses paragraphing, but not always logically ( missing links between intro and conclusion)

 

Lexical Resource: 7

uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation

may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation


Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

uses a variety of complex structures

has produces frequent error-free sentences

has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors

 

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This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

Every week we will randomly choose 3-4 complete essays from the group members and correct them. So make sure to finish it in time, perhaps you will be the next lucky one!

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