Advertisement

Art is an essential subject for children at school (Corrected Essay)

07 Sep 2017

Art is an essential subject for children at school (Corrected Essay)

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.

Topic:

 

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.


Discuss both views and give your opinion

Sample answer

 

The question whether art education is necessary for children at school has drawn much attention from the public. While some people argue that teaching art subjects is a waste of time, I believe that it is significant for children to learn art-related subjects.

 

At the outset, it is thought by a handful of people that art education at school is a waste of time. There are more important subjects that would benefit children for their future life. Science, technology and mathematics, for example, are of great significant subjects which allows students to find a good job after graduation. On the other hand, studying arts does not lead to a successful career. It is easy to see that those days, most artists have been struggling to make a living from selling their work of art.

 

Despite the above arguments, from my perspective, learning art is necessary for students at school because of some radical reasons. Firstly, art subjects including music, drawing, painting and sculpture allow children to enter a state of relaxation. After concentration on STEM subjects, what learners need is to unwind by usefully physical activities in order to make a balance. For instance, singing a song in the musical class could bring positive emotion to students. Secondly, studying art could improve performance in other subjects. It is true that art enhances fine motor skills, hand-eye coordination and problem-solving skills which may assists children in attaining better learning outcomes.

 

In conclusion, although several individuals claim that it is a waste of time for art education, it seems to me that having access to art classes is essential for children.


(Written by Mason)


Corrected Essay

 

The question whether art education is necessary for children at school has drawn much attention from the public. While some people argue that teaching art subjects is a waste of time, I believe that it is significant necessary for children to learn art-related subjects.

  • The phrase “has drawn much attention from the public” is not only a memorizing answer, but also very dull and off-topic. Please begin your essay with a “hook” sentence - that is, to explain your perspective about the topic (in this case, art).

  • The author has stated his opinion - he is more on the side of “art is essential”.


At the outset, it is thought by a handful of people that art education at school is a waste of time. There are more important subjects that would benefit children for their future life. Science, technology and mathematics, for example, are of great significant important subjects which allows students to find a good job after graduation. On the other hand By contrast, studying arts does not lead to a successful career. It is easy to see that those days, most artists have been struggling to make a living from selling their work of art these days.

  • Don’t begin your sentence with a weasel word like “at the outset” or “nowadays”. They only distract the readers.

  • “Significant” is not interchangeable with “necessary”, “essential”, or “important”.

  • On the other hand” is used when you are talking about the other side of the argument, and it should be followed by “on the one hand”.

  • Either you put the time expression at the beginning of a sentence, or at the end (preferrably). A essential feature of a good writer is the ability to correctly use connectives without attracting any attention.

  • Avoid sounding like you are 100% certain with your argument. “Studying arts does not lead to a successful career” is a very bold saying, and I am sure that numerous people will disagree with that.

  • The author’s vocabulary and argument are very weak. To support the idea of learning natural science subject, he should write more on how these subjects help students in finding a good job (maybe because middle-class jobs like IT specialist or financial analyst require their employees to be good at math, and so on)


Despite the above arguments, from my perspective, learning art is necessary for students at school because of some radical reasons. Firstly, art subjects including music, drawing, painting and sculpture allow children to enter a state of relaxation relax. After concentration concentrating on STEM subjects, what learners need is to unwind by usefully physical activities in order to make a balance balance their mind. For instance, singing a song in the musical class could bring positive emotion to students. Secondly, studying art could improve performance in other subjects. It is true that art enhances fine motor skills, hand-eye coordination, and problem-solving skills which may assists children in attaining to attain better learning outcomes.

  • “Radical” is not a good synonym for “fundamental”. It sounds like “deviating by extremes”, which are reserved for terrorists.

  • To enter a state of relaxation” sounds very wordy and unnatural. Simply using “to relax” is fine, but if that’s too short, you can write something like “to reduce the stress after studying in natural science classes”, and then join two consecutive sentences into one.

  • In order to” is very informal, so don’t use it.

  • The author take 3 long sentences just to express the notion of “art helps you relax”, without providing sufficient example or evidence. He needs to be more concise.


In conclusion, although several individuals claim that it is a waste of time for art education, it seems to me that having access to art classes is essential for children.

  • This conclusion appears very weak. While the author has expressed that he agrees with the side “art is essential”, his argument isn’t sound (okay, you say that “art is essential”, but someone claims the opposite, so which person is right? Or better said, which side has fully supported his idea? The author has failed to address that in his conclusion)

Words: 269

Overall: 6.0

  • Task Response: 6

✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others. (the author has written more than 250 words)

✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

  • Coherence and Cohesion: 6

✓ arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression

✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately (the examples in the essays are mostly a repetition of the original argument, without adding any insight)

uses paragraphing, but not always logically (the author knows how to use paragraphing, but that’s not enough to get a 7 in Coherence and Cohesion)

  • Lexical Resource: 6

✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy (the author has used some good words such as “fine motor skills”, “hand-eye coordination”, and “problem-solving skills”. However, that’s not enough to get a 7 in Lexical Resource due to various mistakes in using phrasal verbs)
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

  • Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6

✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

----------------------------------------------------------

This essay is corrected by Anh Tran -  Let's Write Something Group.

If you want to practice more about writing Task 2, you can join this group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/351029818650829/

If you want to correct your Wring Task 2 essay, let's view our free service at this link: http://ieltsonlinetests.com/ielts-tips-and-lessons/free-ielts-writing-correction-service 

Every week we will randomly choose 3-4 complete essays from the group members and correct them. So make sure to finish it in time, perhaps you will be the next lucky one!

 

Share this article:

Other Articles



Comments

Follow us

Latest information about IELTS

QR Code

Getting Started

More Info